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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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Reged: 09/16/07
Posts: 2
Loc: Brooklyn, New York
One Month Later...
      09/16/07 08:03 PM

It's a month since I tested positive.

Being a naturally optimistic person has helped during this first rough month. I'm also lucky since my early test results (good CD4 count and low viral load) suggest I won't need to start treatment yet, and the doctor says I'm in tiptop health. I'm reading a very helpful book (HIV, the First Year). The two close friends I have told also are very supportive.

But it's also been very very difficult on several levels:

1. I don't know anyone who's positive (even though I'm an out gay man). I'm desperate for someone to talk to - someone who can relate and who knows what I am going through.

The process of finding "community and support" also isn't straightforward. Many HIV groups have a great hotline (they were a big help on Day One) but require you to sign up, register to become a "client" etc before you can join a support group. I already have doubts about the support group setting (I just find it hard to talk about myself, especially in a room of strangers), and the requirements, tight office hours etc just make it even harder for me.

2. My boyfriend is negative. The relationship is fairly new (less than a year) but we are very much in love. I first assumed we'd break up, since I can't possibly put him at risk. But he's been very loving and all-round great. As a result, there are a lot of complicated emotions here (gratitude, love, relief, worry...)

But the very first time we worked up to having "big sex" since the news, the condom broke. We stopped immediately. But this "freak" incident (first time in either of our lives that's happened) made us realize even "safer sex" may not be as easy as we hoped. It has cast a pall on our relationship, and I can tell he is stressed, tentative, and seems to have withdrawn a little.

3. For the first time in my life I feel unsure and weak. I've always eaten healthily, worked out regularly, don't smoke or do drugs. But lately I feel tired often, sleep poorly, with not much of an appetite. I know some of it is psychological, my body reacting to the shock, but suddenly there's no end to things I have to worry about.

Should I cut out all the little things that aren't great for your body but which make life bearable (caffeine, the occasional drink, dessert)? Is that slight numbness in my fingers last night just bad circulation - or something more? Dare I even invest in anything medium- to long-term anymore?

I realize some of these are banal and trivial. But thanks for letting me get some of this off my chest.

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Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* One Month Later... callmeBjorn 09/16/07 08:03 PM
. * Re: One Month Later... vokz   09/16/07 09:01 PM
. * Re: One Month Later... callmeBjorn   09/17/07 01:51 AM
. * Re: One Month Later... vokz   09/17/07 08:24 AM
. * Re: One Month Later... oldwoman   09/17/07 01:59 PM
. * Re: One Month Later... movingon   09/17/07 03:02 AM

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