I found this website today, and although it has kept me reading for most of the day and given me some enlightenment from the comments you all have made I cannot stop feeling these incredible emotions. I know it is normal to feel overwhelmed when you first discover that you are positive but it seem to be getting actually harder each day instead of better. I have a very very bad year in 2007 starting with losing my job, foreclosure on my condo, catching syphillis, my appendix rupturing, having to leave Washington DC and move back into my parents home in South Carolina and now not being able to find a job. The crowning achievement was the phone call during my lunch break at the school I am substituting at where my doctor in Washington DC tells me that my HIV test came back positive. Last week after the initial shock day, I think I dealt fairly well. I went back to Washington this weekend to see my doctor there and have the initial blood work done. While in DC Saturday through Tuesday morning, I started feeling bad about myself and returned to old habits of sleeping around and doing crystal meth. I was kept from thinking about the HIV diagnosis by doing this. Then on Monday I went to my doctor and when they drew vial after vial of blood until my hand went numb the true nature of what has happened set it. Since then I have been an emotional wreck, I sleep only when I take the anxiety medicine my doctor gave me. When I am awake I cry or drift off into thoughts about my situation. I am supposed to be teaching 3 classes of high school students, but when I am there I am thinking of other things and resentful when I look at the health 14-16 year olds sitting in front of me. I want to leave the position but cant because I feel I should be there, even though I know I am a horrible teacher to the students right now.
I have begun reading all of these numbers and statistics online and I have no idea what I am reading and get confused and frustrated and then cry more.
Being in SC I have no one to talk to about what is going on, im afraid and really dont want anyone, not even my mother to hug or touch me.
I fear that I wasnt able to find somoene to even date before I was positive and now I can officially give up hope on that making feel even more lonely and isolated.
I just dont know what to do anymore...I feel I should try everything to move back to DC to be close to my doctor so that when I get sick he can treat me and so that I can find people that are positive who can be supportive, because here in SC that isnt going to happen.
I have noticed that some on here truly are friendly and helpful and I guess that is why I am writing this, I need help from people who know what I am going through. As I sit here crying and writing this I am begging for someone to talk to, if you have some advice please let me know. I wont get my T cell count and viral load count back until Friday, but I feel so helpless and alone.
Sorry this was so long, but I have so many emotions and expressing them seems impossible right now.