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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

Anonymous
Unregistered

Is anything next?
      01/18/07 06:19 PM

I'm pretty certain I am postive. Home Access said I was. I finally went to my doctor for the final test. I'm sure it will be positive. I convinced him that all he needed to do was call me when the results came it. He bought me request.

At 39, it seems like I have just wasted or thrown away my life. I've alwasy done the right thing, was never a partier, worked hard at my job, and I was rewarded. HIV has taken nearly all of my drive.

Now, I come home from work and sit in a dark basement cruising gay sex sites. I really don't want to have sex, I don't want to do anything. It just numbs, it seems right.

I've never been a drug user, ever. Not in 39 years. Now, the only thing I can seem to do is sit in my dark basement using coke. Somehow it's comforting. It's also friegthening.

Is this what I have been reduced to? There is so much I want to still do. Now, all I can think of is shame, stupidity and when will I get sick. I don't even really like coke, but it makes me numb, too.

So what's next? How do you live in a world that labels you an infected leach. A modern-day leeper. I've told know one I am infected. I can't, and I don't want to. I'm not totally suicidal, but I can't see anything good left know that I have let down everyone, including myself.

I think I am trying to kill myself with coke. How pathetic. I've decided coke probably won't kill you quickly. Either will HIV.

How many good years do I have? Can I let go of my shame and guilt. Can I be part of the human race with diginity?

I have insurance, but I read where HIV treatment costs $25,000 a year. Will I simply have a life with with HIV or will I live to have HIV and it's treatment.

Another night in the basement. More coke. I don't have a clue what I am to do.

Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Is anything next? Anonymous 01/18/07 06:19 PM
. * Re: Is anything next? Anonymous   01/18/07 06:58 PM
. * Re: Is anything next? Anonymous   01/18/07 07:55 PM
. * Re: Is anything next? Anonymous   01/18/07 08:34 PM
. * Re: Is anything next? AIDS2HIV   01/19/07 04:35 PM
. * Re: Is anything next? Anonymous   01/20/07 02:29 PM
. * Re: Is anything next? scubabum   02/01/07 12:33 PM
. * Re: Is anything next? PositiveInPVD   01/21/07 12:06 PM

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