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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive


Reged: 03/27/06
Posts: 247
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
How many sleeping pills...?
      04/12/06 11:08 PM

It is finally sinking in that I have HIV and I don't like that feeling. I am scared of the realization that I will be with this virus forever, however long that means for me now. I assumed I would live until I was an old man but now I feel like I've been forced to see my own mortality. What a crappy feeling. I know what you could be struck by a car tomorrow but those are the risks you are willing to accept. HIV isn't among those.

Everything in my life is perfect but it all seems to have been undone by this diagnosis. When I went in to the doctor for my blood tests, my blood pressure was so high, he didn't want to tell me what it was. I am now on anti-anxiety pills. No event in my life has prepared me for this. I have never been seriously ill, never had the flu, and only had surgery once and that was out patient in like an hour.

I don't feel strong enough to deal with this forever, always being worried every time I go to the doctor about what my CD4 and viral load counts are. What the big drop in CD4 or big increase in viral load means? What the side effects of medication are. Even if I don't need meds now, I'll be just be a helpless bystander while each passing blood test shows my immune system slowly being destroyed until I need meds.

I am very lucky to have the support of my family, friends, to have a pretty good job, to have a insurance, to have had so many positive people on this site write me and tell me wonderful things but somehow at least at this begninning phase nothing is enough. I just want to be told this isn't true, that God is giving me one more chance.

Going from being carefree and worryfree to being diagnosed with a disease that if I don't treat will kill me is traumatic, more so then I feel I can handle. All the high expectations I have of myself have come crashing down. I don't like myself anymore. All I ever wanted to do to surprise my parents at how far I would go and to make them very proud and to give them grandchildren and now I don't know if that's possible anymore.

Where is the light at the end of this tunnel?

With that said, I'm 5'11 and 185 pounds. Does anyone know roughly how many sleeping pills I would have to ingest to take myself out the first time. I know I saw a box of 100 at WalMart. Is that enough?

If I did it, I figure I'd wear a nice suit and my new brown leather shoes. I've only worn those once. And I'd be holding a picture of my mother and something of my dad's, don't know what yet. I haven't gotten that far.

Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* How many sleeping pills...? SA_Intellect 04/12/06 11:08 PM
. * Re: How many sleeping pills...? Bear60   04/15/06 07:14 PM
. * Re: How many sleeping pills...? ai77   04/13/06 07:41 AM
. * Re: How many sleeping pills...? littleprince   04/13/06 03:32 AM
. * Re: How many sleeping pills...? SA_Intellect   04/13/06 01:52 AM
. * Post deleted by Becky AIDS2HIV   04/13/06 02:45 AM
. * Re: How many sleeping pills...? Survivor   04/13/06 03:05 AM
. * Re: How many sleeping pills...? Survivor   04/13/06 12:25 AM
. * Re: How many sleeping pills...? Anonymous   04/13/06 12:19 AM

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