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Reged: 02/28/13
Posts: 5
My Partner Hid His Poz Status for Our Entire Relationship, now what?
      06/07/13 07:10 PM

I am writing to see if anyone else out there has gone through something similar...maybe you have your own story to share or some did you move did you feel...

About three months ago, only two weeks after our wedding, the most wonderful day of my life, I found out that my now husband was HIV+. My heart sinks now just writing it.
It seems the CDC is seeking out people who they have a record of as being diagnosed positive but show no record of any treatment. They are doing this to "map" the virus. Due to the search the Health department from our state had two women come to our house and hand deliver a letter. Having worked for an HIV/AIDS organization I knew intrinsically what the letter was.
I brought the letter to him and simply, calmly asked him if he was HIV+. His first response was no. I asked again. He said "I do not know". I asked again, He said yes. I nearly collapsed. I asked him how long he has been positive and he told me, finally after some side stepping, that he has been poz since 2004 with no medical care. This is a few years BEFORE we met in 2007.

I was on fire with anger. Our entire relationship went flying by my face. Some peculiarities about our life, some of his "closed off-ness", his unwillingness to worry about or plan for the future all fell into place in my head.

Since he was hiding and ignoring his status he never suggested we use condoms. I thought it was not needed as we were in a committed, monogamous relationship. So for many years we had unprotected sex.

I was convinced I was positive. I thought of some times when i had been very ill and he never worried enough to tell me about his status. What if I were sero-converting and he was just watching it happen?

It was painful, sad, and scary. I mean in some aspects it still is.

Now I am in this place where I am married to a man I love whole-heartedly but I do not trust him in the least. I worry about what other ways he has deceived me, especially since he fabricated many lies to cover his diagnosis. He has been healthy so I would never have know if that letter did not show up at our house. He still would not have told me, which is a hard pill to swallow.

He is now in treatment, is going to a support group and going to a therapist, as am I. The issue is he refuses to go into couple's therapy. Well, more he makes excuses as to why it is not happening etc. This might be passable if he was someone who would discuss what has gone down.

We spend our days trying to pretend everything is fine but sometimes it just is to much for me to bear and I break down. He hates it when i cry and gets very uncomfortable and agitated.

I do love him more then I can ever explain. Anyone who sees us together can easily see the love between us, it is tangible. I do not want to lose this love. He is my partner, he is my friend, he is my family. I just fear that if I want a life with him I will need to "shut up and put up". I will have to just come to a realization that I will not get him to talk but is that fair?

I know that this is hard for him as well. I know he feels guilty. I know this is the first time he is actually acknowledging his illness but when will we touch on the hurt he has caused me? When will we deal with how we are going to rebuild trust?

He also does not want me to tell anyone, nor will he tell anyone. It makes seeing mutual friends impossible because our life has been revolving around his HIV care since I found out and we are supposed to pretend all is well in the world. I am to honest for that. It hurts to much to pretend and then I end up looking like I am just oddly upset or "off" for no reason.

My heart breaks when i look at him. I see him looking at me, seeing me being committed to staying with him, working to navigate this new world of HIV, be informed, show him love etc but he also sees I am suffering and does not feel he needs to push him self to help me heal.

Has anyone dealt with anything like this? Did you stay? How did you move forward?


Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* My Partner Hid His Poz Status for Our Entire Relationship, now what? hurtingheart 06/07/13 07:10 PM
. * Re: My Partner Hid His Poz Status for Our Entire Relationship, now what? kicker   06/07/13 09:08 PM
. * Re: My Partner Hid His Poz Status for Our Entire Relationship, now what? Hopefulheart   12/26/13 03:40 PM
. * Re: My Partner Hid His Poz Status for Our Entire Relationship, now what? Andersan   11/19/14 02:59 AM
. * Re: My Partner Hid His Poz Status for Our Entire Relationship, now what? hurtingheart   06/08/13 12:57 PM
. * Re: My Partner Hid His Poz Status for Our Entire Relationship, now what? kicker   06/08/13 01:17 PM

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