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Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: so confused - grieving in many ways
      02/16/13 11:02 PM

So to start with I'm not the sugar coating, hand holding, compassionate type. If you continue reading please don't imply anything outside of I'm giving you a perspective of what might be going on from an outside view that isn't filled with heartfelt gestures or references. If you get upset your own fault cause their is my disclaimer. I have absolutely no emotional involvement with this. Like a therapist would.

Everyone I know including myself tries to put HIV in its place. As a cold. No body wants to have it shown under a microscope, cause its hard enough to forget the fact to begin with and view it as a cold.

You may very well be the first person he has told in such an intimate setting. People tend not to tell others things that are major till they think they are ready for the emotional impact it will have to them. The problem is he probably didn't have a handle on it himself and was just in a sort of denial. (If I don't talk about it and no one knows then it isn't there.)

That said when he told you it was put back on the front burner so to speak and getting attention. When you insisted that you needed to talk to someone you took it from the front burner and jammed it under a microscope. Rather than taking the information and asking questions like, does he want to talk about it, what does it mean to him as far as the relationship is concerned, how does he view it, etc.

That said you have turned a mountain out of a mole hill in his perspective. Concerned about you and your feelings about it rather than how he feels. Thus making it even more difficult for him to deal with the fact he isn't comfortable about being HIV+ into an omg I now have someone else that is overreacting to contend with as well.

He is probably still talking to you just to have some sense of control. Figure if he can keep you appeased as long as possible there is less chance you will blurt it out to someone he doesn't want to know yet. I mean you took HIS problem to your therapist after he asked you not to. How is he suppose to feel?

If you actually want things to work out then I would realize that it's not about you, it's about him. You wouldn't go and tell your therapist if he had a peptic ulcer or eczema would you? Both can be debilitating and major problems as well.

Look at how you reacted. It's a big deal to you. So to say it isn't a problem for you I certainly beg to differ. Telling him its not a big deal and then asking him if you can talk to others about it puts his feelings, worries, and fears in the trash. It would be like you telling him you have a huge hairy mole or some other deformity that you are able to hide and are self conscious about and him asking you till you cave if its ok to tell others about it. (Guys can be such pigs, right?)

Here's your best bet. Stop. Think. Put the shoe on the other foot and react how you would want someone to react to you. If you have some emotional issue where you can't get it out of your head then it's never going to work between you two. Cause you will see the HIV and not the man and he will see you looking at the HIV and not him.

Sometimes we want to be the open minded people we want to be, but lets face it if you need to talk to someone about something that hasn't had a direct affect on you yet well then it's time to admit you're not as open minded as you thought.

Again just my personal opinion from the information you gave. Another example would be would you react the same way if a child you knew had cancer that was life threatening? Would you ask the child to give you permission to talk to your therapist about it and how it affects you? Why not? Would you bring it up as often as you could to the child that they are sick? Why not? (Btw if you would then I would suggest working on your interpersonal skills and boundaries with your therapist, cause that is just awful for the kid).

I am in no way saying that you shouldn't feel something. I'm saying that you need to dig deep and find out why you have such a strong reaction to it and why you felt the need to ignore what he feels.

Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* so confused - grieving in many ways Clementine 02/16/13 05:57 PM
. * Re: so confused - grieving in many ways Clementine   02/17/13 05:32 AM
. * Re: so confused - grieving in many ways kicker   02/16/13 11:02 PM
. * Re: so confused - grieving in many ways kicker   02/16/13 11:20 PM
. * Re: so confused - grieving in many ways Clementine   02/17/13 05:25 AM

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