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Reged: 02/16/13
Posts: 4
so confused - grieving in many ways
      02/16/13 05:57 PM

I have been seeing a guy for two months and becoming more and more interested. We had an instant connection on so many levels. Last week, When we finally made out and talked deeply about our feelings for each other, I was so ecstatic! Two days later, he told me he is hiv positive and doesn't think it is wise for him to pursue me romantically.

I felt like I'd been slammed into a brick wall. My whole heart and all my hormones were going full-speed-ahead for this man, and suddenly he wanted to stop it. That kind of thing is painful enough, even without the hiv aspect of the situation! Plus, I was heartbroken for him and the life-changing things he has to deal with, being positive.

I know so much about hiv/aids and was not at all freaked out when he told me. When he talked about antiretrovirals and viral loads and his very low levels of symptoms, I understood exactly what he was talking about.

But I'm still going through a grieving process, both for him and for the end of a romance that had just started. He wants to stay friends, and it's obvious that he's still interested in me romantically despite his decision not to pursue a relationship. Plus, we have many friends in common! It is all so confusing! The mixed signals are really overwhelming to me, in addition to my grieving. And I know that it must be really confusing and painful to him, too.

We have continued to spend time together, text, and email. Here's one of the hardest things for me, he gets angry when I'm sad or when I cry. He says its too much of a burden for him, and that I don't have a right to be sad because its his issue, not mine. I explained that everyone has a right to their emotions and I can't help feeling sad. I told him I would try to work through it on my own so it wasn't a burden to him. A couple days later, I asked him if I could talk to any of his friends or family who knew, to help me cope with my feelings. Then he got really angry and said he didn't want me to talk to anybody, join any groups, or even talk to my own therapist about my feelings, even if his identity was totally secret from them. I can totally understand his fears, and I know that anger and fear are just two sides of the same coin. So I've been trying really hard not to take his anger personally. But I can't keep all these feelings bottled up, so I found this website and joined this group. I did talk to my therapist about it. I told him I absolutely had to talk to her, and he begrudgingly accepted it. It helped me a lot to talk to her, but I still really need to get support from people who are in a similar situation. I know he'd be so angry if he knew I was on here, but ultimately it seems like its actually easier for me to protect his privacy here than at a real-life group. I just had to find some support from people who would understand what I'm going through. Most of the time I feel fine, like I'm handling everything ok, but there are times when I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'd really really appreciate some kind words, and any advice anyone has to offer.

Love to you all,


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Subject Posted by Posted on
* so confused - grieving in many ways Clementine 02/16/13 05:57 PM
. * Re: so confused - grieving in many ways Clementine   02/17/13 05:32 AM
. * Re: so confused - grieving in many ways kicker   02/16/13 11:02 PM
. * Re: so confused - grieving in many ways kicker   02/16/13 11:20 PM
. * Re: so confused - grieving in many ways Clementine   02/17/13 05:25 AM

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