My partner and I have been together for over 12 years. I knew he was HIV pos going into it-I didn't care. I love him. Lately, its becoming hard to do so. I'm HIV negative, btw.
For years I begged him to see a doctor, he never did. That is, until he became symptomatic approx 1.5 years ago. Since that time he's been in and out of hospitals. By the time he started treatment his counts put him in the "aids" category. Now, with meds, his viral load is undectable. His CD4s could be better, but they are rising-slowly, but rising.
My concern/issue is of the emotional nature. I'm not even sure where to start so if I ramble, please forgive me.
He blames me for everything. He's verbally abusive, emotionally distant, and has been physical with me a time or two. I put up with it because I can't imagine what he's going through. I try to tell myself that I'm strong for standing by his side, and tell myself that the reason for his behavior is his inability to cope. No one knows his status but me, I bear the brunt of it all. When I mention this, I'm accused of being selfish. My life concerns are meaningless; when I have a bad day and try to talk about it, the response I get is usually, "Well at least you're not dying". He says he doesn't resent me, but I don't believe it. I have stood by him for years-at home, in the hospital, in the ER, at doctor's visits--and yet he thinks I'm selfish.
He's becoming a bit of a hypochondriac, at least I think so. Examples: a stomach ache means he's in liver failure from his meds. A headache means he has a brain tumor. Rosacea and acne mean that he has kaposi's sarcoma. Ankle pain is bone cancer. A cold sore is Steven Johnson's syndrome (recently started lamictal)-I'm exhausted. I love him, but no matter what I do or say, its never right.
I'm a nurse. He asks my opinion, and when I give it he never believes me. If I try to be objective he thinks I don't care and am belittling his opinion. If I try to be caring/affectionate it scares him. I can't win for losing. When I don't say anything at all, knowing what will happen if I do, then that means I don't care.
Approx 1.5 weeks ago he had a psych eval, was diagnosed with OCD and bipolar. She started him on lamictal. He's been taking it for just over a week. He was told to be aware of any rashes that may develop as a side effect. As a nurse, I knew that he was referring to Steven Johnson syndrome (rare but possibly fatal). So the watch for rashes began. This morning we both woke up with cold sores--cold sores. I told him, its a cold sore, I have one too! No big deal. His response was to call his doctor, freaking out, thinking he had SJ syndrome. He wouldn't believe me. They told him what else to look for, so now we'll be on SJ watch for weeks.
He's hit me, cheated on me, called me a studpid effing bit**, thrown me out. I've stood by it, trying to rationalize his actions, thinking they were due to his disease. For 12 years. I'm tired. So tired. Sometimes I want to leave, but that would make me insensitive, and fulfill his prophecy.
Am I really being selfish?
Thanks for letting me vent