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Reged: 05/03/11
Posts: 1
My ex-bf has not told me he is positive
      05/03/11 07:40 PM

In 2007 I decided I was not happy with my relationship. Since then I had intermittent sex with my partner but hardly any. I realized he must be having sex with someone and I decided not to continue having sex because I didnt feel safe. In 2009 he came down with shingles and was in bed for nearly a month. I became so worried and was beginning to think he had HIV. He kept talking about his shingles diagnosis (he is 46 yo). Anyhow, he got well (09/2009) and we decided it was best for us to live apart. We separated and about a year and a half went by, we visited eachother but I never wanted to have sex with him. he gave me oral I think 2 times. Anyhow, Jan 2011 he couldnt get a job, nothing going, and asked to come home. I agreed because I miss him but still did not want to be with him. Things seemed fine, till I was cleaning and came across a bottle of pills. I googled the pills...It was HIV medication. I was wrecked but had enough time to get my emotions in check. I never said anything. The following Monday, I went to the doctor and explained the situation, got an HIV test and I am negative. I was already putting pressure on my friend to find a job and move out...But now, I finally understand why he has been depressed and hopeless. Now I am so sad. Ive been googling all sorts of HIV stuff and reading a million things. I love him like my brother and I dont know what to do. I just keep giving him kisses, snuggling with him and doing what I can to make him feel loved. All this while I have not shared with him that I know his circumstances. Prior to his return to my house, I was so geared up on some personal projects and I was very excited about my single life that had started about a year and half earlier. Now I am getting depressed, smoking a lot of pot and finding it hard to communicate. My frustrations lead to outbursts, then apologies. My friend must feel so lost but he still has not told me anything, and I have not told him I know. I tell myself that I dont tell him, because I don't want his HIV status to be the reason we are not together. I had already made up my mind that he was not for me....Now what? Im so confused, scared, sad. I feel a heavy burden and have not come in contact with anyone that I can talk to about this. To make matters worse, I am not openly gay -which was always the struggle of our relationship. I feel like my closet gay status has led to his infection because he sought more than what I was giving him. He sought more in risky situations. I love him and Im so sad.... As I read about the disease it makes me scared. Now I watch what he eats, and notice when he is tired, I notice when he sneaks off before bed to take a pill, and I notice he eats very little at dinner, I notice that he cries when he thinks I am asleep, He asks me to scratch his back and I wonder if that is safe for me, when i hug him I feel like I write this it makes me cry...Im at work, but this is all I can think about.

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* My ex-bf has not told me he is positive CaliforniaFriend 05/03/11 07:40 PM

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