Anal Sex w/ my HIV+ Boyfriend - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

Shortly after I met my partner we found he was HIV+. I have continued to test negative. When we met he said he was versatile, to me this is very important as I do occasionally like to receive. I understand the need to be safe, but he was not interested in being a top due to putting me at risk. I left this off the table as I felt okay this will pass as he deals the the illness and our love grows. I got this from other friends with HIV as well as a few counslers. I have brought the subject up several times and it has always been no. It has begun to affect me as receiving anal sex is a very intimate thing that I share only with people I truly love and care about. He dislikes condoms as do I but we know they are a must for him to penetrate me. It finally came out as an emphatic NO.

I finally broke down and told him exactly how I feel about being a bottom and why it is a big deal for me. I was told when he first test + that it is natural for me to want to get infected so he was not alone etc., I thought they were crazy, now much later it is crossing my mind so I can feel truly close. I have also thought about just hooking up with someone and getting my fix. Problem is I cannot do that with just anyone, nor do I ever want to hurt or harm him in any way. He is not the first person I have been with in the last few years who called me and said they tested + and I am worried how many more chances will I get. So even leaving him and starting a new relationship is hard to think about. I understand the risks of being with him, and honestly if it does happen I know he will be there, someone else may leave. I cried and cried as he has no understanding of how my mind could work that way and it has lead to arguments. Finally this last conversation when I poured my heart out he said okay. As long as it's not all the time, as long as it's safe, and could you let me know in advance so I can be emotionally ready.

You think I would be happy, sadly after all that no. The point of my outpouring was not to change his mind. I told him I understood his views and that he would not change his mind. I have to respect it, I have no other choice.

Now here I sit him being willing to compromise but me unwilling to go forward and say I want it because I am still thinking about him and that he is doing it only for me and because I want it. Why am I having such a hard time being selfish.

I have given up swallowing as he is worried of the risk, as well I rarely even get to rim him anymore. So now that is is willing why can't I do it, there are times when we have sex, I want it, but worry that he will not be enjoying it.

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