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Reged: 12/28/10
Posts: 1
Sometimes lost and confused
      12/28/10 11:11 AM

So I met a wonderful man after a horrible break up from my ex of 2 years. We met weeks after the break up and had an instant spark. We began seeing one another exclusively and began dating about 5 months later. This was October 2009 when we met and March 2010 when we began officially dating. We were falling for one another quickly. It was a relationship of honesty, communication, and all out committment. It was nothing I have ever experienced before.

My partner, 35, had started having allergic reactions to food such as egg and corn and couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I, being in the medical field, couldn't help but try and find a reason as to where this was coming from. We tried everything and went to every doctor. I one day proposed an HIV test but he said he had got a test done in August with no call back to say he was positive to he assumed negative. Well two days before my 22nd birthday a lab was done at the cancer center and they requested he be in ASAP. I got off work in the morning and walked over to the cancer center from my hospital and met him to await the results. He seemed more nervous and I couldn't help but keep asking questions as to if it could be cancer, or this or that. He wanted me to come back with him so I did as he asked. The doctor made me leave after coming in and then reintroduced me after breaking the news to me. I'll never forget this damn day. He looked me directly in the eyes, his own welling up with tears, and there it was. "I have HIV." I was supposed to head back into work that night but couldn't...I couldn't even make it through the rest of the visit. I left quickly with him to get a test done for myself. I came back negative. This was the beginning of June.

Since then we are still going strong. But the lost and confused part of the title is that he doesn't talk to me about it. I went to the first and second HIV doctor appointment and now he wants to go alone. He takes his meds everyday, takes care of himself, but nobody knows except me. I unfortunately could not keep going alone and had told my best friend who has helped me considerably. A coworker, very close friend though, was there the morning I had to go find out the results. She called when I didn't show up the next night and quietly asked me if he was positive. She has since given me great talks and has calmed me down from leaving the relationship. I have these two very great people in my life to talk about the good and the bad but I don't have him. I feel like our talks in 2 am have ended and that he will never truly feel comfortable with his status. I feel like I am sacrificing too much somedays to stay with him. I truly love him but I don't know what to do. Part of me says I am being selfish and part of me says I'm being selfless.

I do not know what I want from him. Do I want him to disclose his status to his friends so I don't feel alone in this? I want him to talk to me more about his status? Yes, but he says he internalizes everything and that's how he deals with things. I find that to be a little selfish. I truly do not know what to do.

To make matters worse we are taking our relationship to the next level by moving in together next month. I don't know if this is going to make or break us. I don't want it to break us...I really don't!

If anyone could help sort things out or give me a ear to chat off I would be truly grateful. I just feel alone in the HIV world when I know I am not. I'm negative, he's positive, and we are in love....if only it was as easy as typing that.

Thank you all!

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* Sometimes lost and confused NegPosCouple 12/28/10 11:11 AM
. * Re: Sometimes lost and confused bartlebyAdministrator   01/05/11 07:02 PM

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