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Reged: 12/18/10
Posts: 1
Hiding behind HIV
      12/18/10 11:12 PM

I write this question in the hope of gaining insight from both HIV positive gay men as well negative men in "magnetic partnerships".

I only now discovered this term "magnetic", as it relates to my life! It can no longer be a twist of fate that my last 6 relationships were with HIV + men. Not a conscious choice, it simply became part of my dating routine, waiting for, and then receiving, the disclosure. I have become expert at making it as comfortable as possible for them. But perhaps not for me.

I have scouted the internet, looking for information on the impact of HIV on a sero-discordant couple, and find mostly issues relating to exposure to, and prevention of, HIV transmission.

I have more need for insight into me and partners' emotional responses to each other. All, except two, have resorted to admissions of intense shame and suicidality in the past. And have (my current boyfriend especially) brought these feelings into the present when the going gets a little tough. A pattern has emerged of intense self-pity, which allows them to retreat into their own world, in which "no one understands them". I used to have sympathy for this, even empathy. I am now simply frustrated. In my opinion, my current boyfriend (likely to become an ex), is more likely to die from shame-based behaviour (coke, alcohol and skipped meds) than his usually highly manageable virus! He has recently taken to blocking out all support, all rest and indeed, all love. I am seeing another repetition of yet another HIV+ boyfriend. When I am able to put down my ego and my anger, I love him....but right now, must preserve myself and my sanity. But I need perspective from others.

What is this syndrome I have described? (I cannot believe I am the only one to have seen it)
Has anyone been through it and come out the other side?
If so, how?
Is there something I am not understanding?
Why do these same men boast about how well they are doing, when inside, they admit to be dying (not of HIV, but shame)
Why do they feel an exclusive copyright on suffering?

I must deal with my issues too. I do not want to make them about HIV + partners. I don't believe they are. I explained to my current boyfriend that HIV as a virus is not the problem for me. It's how my partner orientates himself to life that matters. The virus, whilst I am respectful of it, does not scare me. There are many physical and mental challenges that are as, if not more, potentially debilitating.

And yet, here I am again, with a partner who is using HIV and a mega-dose of self-pity, to avoid the relationship issues that really matter.


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Subject Posted by Posted on
* Hiding behind HIV Magnet 12/18/10 11:12 PM
. * Re: Hiding behind HIV gotit   01/03/11 04:46 PM
. * Re: Hiding behind HIV bartlebyAdministrator   12/22/10 07:50 PM
. * Re: Hiding behind HIV iam1   12/22/10 04:58 AM
. * Re: Hiding behind HIV jd10   12/22/10 08:35 PM
. * Re: Hiding behind HIV trulife   12/22/10 03:57 AM

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