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Reged: 07/03/08
Posts: 2
A year has gone by...will it get better?
      08/04/08 06:55 PM

Even as i type this, there's something on the back of my mind that feels way too tired to even do it. Partly because I know that its so many things id like to say that it would end up being a terribly long post...and partly because i really don't know what difference posting could make.

Yet here i am...

Im new to the forums but have been visiting thebody for a long time. so here's my story.

A little over a year ago i met this most wonderful guy. We chatted online for a couple of months... found out we had tons of similarities, and when we eventually met, we hit it off. Dated for about 2 months after that before we decided to start a relationship.

Just before i popped the question, I found out that someone he had been with in the past, had just been diagnosed HIV + . I panicked, granted, but back then had made up my mind that this was such a wonderful guy that even *if* he turned out to be positive i'd stick by him...hey we've all heard it through the grapevine ... HIV is like "diabetes" now isn't it?

i was almost sure he was positive because about a month after i met him he had one of those intense "flu cold sweat" weekends that i would come to know afterward as Acute Retro viral Syndrome.

To make a long story short, we started our relationship and both went to get tested. I came out negative and he was positive.

I must say we were both devastated. Tried to take comfort in the fact that we detected it as early as possible and started to find out info about treatment.

A year has gone by. We're both going to individual therapy, it has helped a bit.


I am very very inquisitive. Soon as i suspected that my babe was poz, i dived into the net, reading everything and everything i could read about HIV. Most of the stuff i read, was promising in the sense that this was not a death sentence, he could probably lead a fulfilled life. and all of that. He, on the other hand, did not take it upon himself to research at all...stating that anything he reads might affect him cuz he describes himself as a hypochondriac.

That is when i came across the theories of the HIV denialists. Something that definitely sounds unreasonable and crazy, until you delve deeper and deeper into it...

I have no medical authority or i guess it would be easy to convince me of anything...

However, that, plus the fact that sometimes one wants to hold on even to a fool's hope, gave me the impression that some of their claims sounded perfectly logical.

I am not saying i believe the claims of these groups...this is a life or death game. I decided to explore every possible viewpoint so that i knew what i could expect in the future, if our relationship was going to last that long...I wanted to know that my boy was going to be fine.

Truth of the matter is that now i have information overload.

At first i was panicked that my guy would have to start treatment, because of everything i had read, but eventually made my peace with it.

I've become obsessive though. He hasnt started treatment yet, but i have made sort of a table detailling every possible side effect that the different drugs could give, so when the time comes hell know what to expect or what drugs hed like to try.

I am still terrified whenever i think about treatment. were still very young, me being the oldest one at 30, he is 25.

I think about the future...sometimes afraid of making long term plans...sometimes i see myself alone and missing him by the time im forty something or fifty....

just thinking about having to go through a period of watching him waste away and die, brings tears to my eyes. constantly.

We live in a place where HIV is still very "taboo" and u dont really get to know about anybody that has it so I have no basis of comparison. I can't say "well look at this guy, hes poz and has been on treatment for years and is just fine and dandy" .

With everything i 've read. I am still clueless. Severely depressed. Can't think about future plans. Afraid to watch someone i love die...and yes, i know that you could cross the street tomorrow and get killed by a car...but that is not the same as knowing that your loved one *already* has a condition that will probably kill him in the future, unless that car, or something else, happens to him.

maybe im not making much sense. it's only been a year... but i feel like if id just found out about this yesterday...i felt so much stronger when i already knew he could be positivie and decided to be with him anyway...

but after reading so much stuff.. about side effects, about how every new lead into finding a cure that looks promising is another big let down... i can just say i am mortified.

I dont even know what to believe...should i believe the medical industry? the denialists? even if i dont know what to believe i support him getting treatment... i just dont know if that is the right decision or not...but its the one ill support, regardless.

and i LOVE him... i love him so much. he is a wonderful man.

I guess, by posting here..i'm just looking to hear from people's experiences.... experiences with their loved one's treatment... how is it going? is it going well? bad? are the side effects unbeareable? am i looking at being with him 30 years or less (provided we didnt split up for other reasons of course, but were ever the romantics wanting to believe in ever after) ?

what are we really facing here?

sorry for the long post. it was going to be longer and possibly more detailed, but . oh well.

Thanks for reading . Big medal to you guys for doing it.

and a big hug to all of those who are going through the same thing.

Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* A year has gone by...will it get better? negativewithpoz 08/04/08 06:55 PM
. * Re: A year has gone by...will it get better? Bear60   08/05/08 05:37 PM
. * Re: A year has gone by...will it get better? Billy_G   08/06/08 07:05 AM

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