Very empty inside - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

Hi All, just needed to let some feelings out, if this HIV don't kill me first my feelings will. I was just diagnosed positive about a month and a half ago, I have been in a relationship with my fiance' for almost two years, her test came back negative which (and i am thankful for) i don't understand how though if we have been having unprotected sex since day 1. Since finding out we have not had NO form of intimacy at all, If i did not give her a kiss i don't think there would be even that. I MISS HER SO MUCH I FEEL TOTALLY EMPTY INSIDE I KNOW SEX IS WHAT GOT US IN THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE. AM I WRONG FOR STILL WANTING HER, NEEDING HER, LUSTING FOR HER IN A INTIMATE WAY? SHE SAY'S THE THOUGHT MAKES HER SICK TO HER STOMACHE, I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO "US". I AM THE SAME PERSON I ALWAYS WAS. I AM AFRAID THAT IF HER TESTS IN 6 MONTHS COME BACK NEGATIVE AGAIN SHE WILL LEAVE ME FOR SOMEONE THAT CAN GIVE HER WHAT SHE DESIRES .....A BABY. SHE SAY'S SHE LOVES ME AND THAT "WE" WILL DO THIS TOGETHER BUT I DON'T KNOW, I AM SO EMPTY INSIDE LIKE SOMEONE RIPPED EVERY PIECE OF ME OUT. SO NOT ONLY AM I CONFUSED ABOUT ALL THIS HIV TALK BUT I AM VERY VERY LONELY. I TELL HER I MISS HER AT LEAST TWICE A DAY SO SHE KNOWS I STILL NEED HER AND WANT HER. OK MAYBE I'M RAMBLING ON I AM SORRY I JUST NEEDED TO LET OUT SOME HURTING FEELINGS. SHE DON'T KNOW BUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT I GO IN OUR BATHROOM AND CRY IT JUST HURTS. I FEEL VERY GUILTY THIS IS ALL MY FAULT, I NEVER DID DRUGS,NEVER SLEPT WITH A MAN, I AM AN ALL AROUND DECENT HARDWORKING GUY WHO SLEPT WITH A FEW WOMEN AND BANG MY WHOLE DREAM WORLD I HAVE BEEN LIVING IN SINCE WE GOT TOGETHER HAS TURNED INTO A DEEP DARK HOLE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO JUST FEEL LIKE I WANNA DIE NOW. SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON THANKS FOR LISTENING.

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