This is my first post, and until two days ago, I never even knew this website existed or that I would have a reason to come here. I have been dating a 29 year old man (I am 28) for the past six months and two days ago he told me that he tested positive and year and a half ago. I know that I should be angrier than I am, but the truth is, I'm not really that angry. I am more frightened than anything else. Although we've always practiced safe sex, there have been many times when the condoms have broken. Fortunately, we both realized it and new condoms were used. But, condoms are not 100% safe, and being gay men, my boyfriend and I have had a lot of unsafe oral sex.
I never actually thought that my boyfriend was the kind of person that would or could do something like this to someone. While I am able to understand the fear of rejection and the possibility that telling the wrong person could mean everyone knowing, I cannot understand why he would put me at risk. I moved in with my boyfriend two weeks ago, and I cannot help but feel that he purposely waited - until he knew I loved him, after I moved in with him, and after six months of having sex with me - before telling me. I asked him last night why he didn't tell me in the beginning and he said that he didn't know. He said that the longer he waited to tell me, the harder it became to actually do so. What angers me the most is the fact that most of his friends know - friends that I have spent a great deal of time with - and none of them tried to tell me, while only two of them continuously urged him to be honest with me. I know that it wasn't their responsibility to tell me, but they knew that he continued to put me at risk, and no one said anything to me. I guess it angers me because had he have been honest in the beginning I know that I wouldn't have left him.
So, now I have to make a very critical decision - a decision that has loomed overhead for the past two days. Should I stay or should I go? I know in my heart that I am in love with this man, but the fact that he's deceived me and possilby exposed me to the virus constantly consume my thoughts. I keep thinking that if he told me he had cancer or some other life-threatening illness, that I'd never leave him, and his HIV status isn't a deciding factor. I just cannot get over the fact that he would lie to me for so long. But, as hurt as I am, I still cannot imagine leaving him. I know that he loves me, and I'm sure that the more his love for me grew, the harder it was for him to keep this secret. I think back to two or three months ago and I realize that there were times when he almost told me. I try to imagine being positive and how frightening it would be to finally meet someone that I really cared about, and having to tell them. I cannot say that I would've handeled the situation any differently than my boyfriend did, because as far as I know, I am still negative. However, I don't think that I would've waited for six months.
I did take the time to read a lot of threads and while many of them were helpful, only a few related to my situation. So I guess the reason I decided to post is this... I know that love between a positive and negative person is possible. I know that there are many happy +/- couples in this world. I know that if my boyfriend was honest from the beginning I'd still be here. I know that love is hard to find and when we find it we should hold on to it as tightly as possible. I know that far-too-often people give up too easily and let a good thing go, but I also know that he lied to me. I need your advice, guys.