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Past Forums (read only) >> HIV/AIDS in the Military


      02/05/06 10:48 AM

I don't know, ever since I've been infected I just keep wanting to die. I joined the service a decade ago to fight, now I have the chance, and with orders to the Sandbox in hand I pop HIV+. It doesn't make sence, I am in such a low risk group but that's another story. So here I am, a officer stuck on a base in the states, not leading men, just trying to keep it together till retirement so I'll be able to pay medical bills, not for love of service which it used to be why I was in. I'm fraud and waste of government funds. I used to always have something to look forward to weather it be a weekend with a girlfriend, or going out with the crew the gym, whatever. All I look forward to now is laying on my couch. I hate leaving it. The loneliness sucks, I got a pet and he helps me out A WHOLE LOT (I DEFINETLY would not be here if it wasn't for him), I love him, he is my best friend and my world, but I don't know. I am a problem solver but there is no solution to HIV, I can't get myself out of this one. I stare down the muzzle of my Auto/revolver/rifle/shotgun on weekends a lot, (too much of a puss to do any thing) while I hear people out my window having fun at all the bars on my block. I play russian roulet (Like in The Dear Hunter) but stop at cocking the hammer, don't actually have the balls to put the gun to my head yet, I spin it, and look down the barrel to see if my number would have been up, maybe looking for a sign or something. But its not so much I want to kill myself but I'm always dreaming up these elaborate ways to die a hero. I want to go to heaven. If they sent me to war I wouldn't let anyone in my unit get so much as a scratch I'd be jumping in front or every bullet and looking for a grenade/IED to dive on to save my boys. My greatest wish right now is that on my way home from work, there will be a car accident, I'll run over, rescue a child, and as I run from the burning wreakage the car blows up, kills me but I save the child. Or something like that. One way ticket to the Clouds. I just feel like I am a liability to the Military and my live is meaningless, I don't do anyone any good. I'm a oxygen thieft. I used to be king of the hill, I had it all. From that to nothing in a snap. I can't sit in on weekends anymore and looking for a Hetero mate on those HIV+ DATING websites is useless unless you want some rediculously over-weight or ugly girl or a gay guy. I don't know, my future looks bleak. This couldn't suck more and to think I thought Boot Camp was the end of the world.

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Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* HIV+/Military/Suicide Anonymous 02/05/06 10:48 AM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide Anonymous   07/17/06 11:58 AM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide jenn   05/14/06 01:10 AM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide still_here   02/25/06 07:02 PM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide psuguy   02/23/06 09:14 AM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide LIVE LIFE   02/14/06 07:32 PM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide Anonymous   02/13/06 04:43 AM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide Anonymous   02/06/06 12:58 AM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide daisey6205   02/06/06 04:35 AM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide ang89   02/14/06 10:00 PM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide Stand together   03/16/06 01:07 AM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide rain05   03/17/06 03:46 AM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide Anonymous   03/17/06 11:02 PM
. * Re: HIV+/Military/Suicide uoarmyduck   04/17/06 10:27 PM

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