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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

kicker
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Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Just my thought for today
      08/20/13 02:39 PM

I sat in a doctors office this morning. After 4 days with this cold I figured I should have it checked out. I wasn't able to see my normal dr so I was stuck going someplace else. Something that I would never do if I wasn't feeling as crappy as I do.

The wait was longer than I had hoped and I just wanted the poking and prodding to get done and over with. I always feel so awkward and scared to go especially to someone I haven't seen before and knows I'm just a little odd.

So after my 4th panic attack (never fun when you are under the weather) The first one was with the secretary filling out the forms, the second was when I sitting in the exam room and the nurse charged in and took my vitals like I was a stock car stopping off for a quick tire change in a pit. My third was during the X-rays (I've had several this year) and the final one when the dr started his poking.

I am always afraid of saying something when I feel that way, it comes out so odd to everyone else verbally. It always seems to insult them when I ask what it is they are doing or thinking. I just start throwing out every fact I can think of. It's kind of funny if you know what I'm doing and why, but everyone takes it as an insult to their intelligence.

Anyway I got off course a little. Another thing I am learning to accept but that's another story. To handle my panic attacks I usually find something to focus on. Usually I focus on an instrument in the office and how I could make it better. Sounds totally nerdy and geeky but I really love doing it.

Today though the nurse actually said something that I got focused on. "So it says here you're infected with HIV?" The question wasn't odd it was the wording. Infected. I'm quite literal, but knowing that she didn't know that I made the adjustments to her sentence and grasped the idea that she was really asking because it made her nervous.

I smiled and responded "yes, but all the numbers are good and my regular Doc thinks I'm doing so well that he only wants to see me once every six months." I'm not sure if she found that comforting or not but she sighed so I'm guessing whatever she needed was met.

It did however give me a thought. I remembered all the times people on here freak out over the wording. I've gotten so use to being literal that I know I should think really hard about other interiptations of a word. Especially in a situation like that. After all I'm sick and I really didn't want the people trying to help me to get frustrated with me.

But I did think about why she used the word infected why we use it here. Infected to me is a festering wound oozing and smelly. That's the idea that comes to mind first. Then the next thought for that word is to infect which is like someone in the act of doing. Like I infected him with laughter.

My thoughts on the word made me rethink my response. I could say that I "have" HIV, but that has been done before to not so great reactions. I concluded that my response was about as appropriate as it gets at least for now. I thought putting her at ease was better.

But I really wanted to correct her, it was a poor choice in wording, (this is what lead to the panic attack for the X-ray.) it's the only one I can clearly zero in on the cause. I started "fighting" with myself, because what she said was ugly, but not horrible. Wasn't like she came in and asked if I was pond scum.

So now I'm home and thinking about this surrounded by mountains of tissue amongst a plain of sheets. I realize now with a tickle of self gratification that I am wiser and smarter than she was. Doesn't mean I am better just further along with acceptance than she is. Shes still afraid of everything having to do with hiv. That's the wise part the smart part was I knew the definition of the word and knew that she probably didn't. My infected part with HIV happened about 3 years ago not today. I was infected. Now I just have. Like this crappy head cold.

Just something to think about I guess, now hopefully I can get some rest, I had a "traumatic" experience at the Drs. with a mean nurse.



Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Just my thought for today kicker 08/20/13 02:39 PM
. * Re: Just my thought for today riverprincessModerator   08/21/13 04:02 PM
. * Re: Just my thought for today iam1   08/21/13 01:50 PM
. * Re: Just my thought for today lilfshrmn   08/20/13 09:46 PM
. * Re: Just my thought for today notinterested   08/20/13 11:40 PM
. * Re: Just my thought for today kicker   08/21/13 11:48 AM

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