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HIV Life >> Living With HIV


Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Talking about stigma
      06/29/13 07:56 PM

Just so some facts are being put on the table to clear up some misconceptions about me, I'm going to talk a little about me and how I view things. The reason is because I am tired of being bombarded with angry responses and insults to my intent.

First and foremost I never wanted to be moderator. I didn't ask for it I have actually asked several times to be removed from the boards completely. I knew making me moderator with the way people view me constantly was a mistake. It has only made things worse in my opinion. So the next time you want to complain remember that.

I am not angry I have HIV. I may be fairly young, but I have the wisdom to know that I was going to die anyway, not that I even think HIV will kill me, something will old age, heart attack, etc, hell maybe even HIV I don't know never did never will till it happens. To be angry over it is just a waste of my time in my book. It's a virus, I can't get angry at birds chirping and doing what comes naturally to them so how can I for a virus doing the same.

I don't think of myself as better than anyone or even pretend to be a dr. I am a very detailed person. I was presented with a fact that has a lot of details behind it. I am quite literal so when I was told I should learn everything I can about HIV I did. I can not help it if my abilities (some say deficits) allow me to dive into the details on the same level as you would perceive a dr as having. In my opinion I feel like I've only scratched the surface. I try not to even show how much I do know, because I know people tend to feel like I am being condescending or arrogant when I do. I honestly don't know how to bring it to a simple level without feeling like I left you with nothing to build off of to make your own conclusions that are fact based rather than fear based.

If someone told me hey you might have such and such and left it at that it would only make me ask why they believe it is that and not what I thought. Then I would have to learn as much as I could to feel comfortable with the answer. Especially if they filled it with a bunch of emotional keywords that I don't understand why they are having those emotions for something that doesn't affect them directly. Or even if it does it doesn't match up with my feelings on it.

Which brings me to my last fact before I continue. I have aspergers. Don't know what it is look it up. Then everything else should make sense at least a little better.

Now with all that said I came to this board when I was diagnosed. I was looking for information mostly. I saw what I thought was a close knit community and felt maybe they would be accepting of my differences and since the site is fact based I could relate better.

See I've been dealing with stigma a lot longer than even the long term guys have. 34 years worth. I've known that I don't "feel" like other people "feel" for others. I don't communicate or express myself the same as the overwhelming majority does. In fact I am completely uncomfortable and awkward around people, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that without fail people will think the worse of me because of my differences.

Hell even after explaining that I have aspergers people think I don't try hard enough. Again nothing could be further from the truth. Every time someone attacks me or says something that they believe was by intent to start it, I spend days even weeks sometimes thinking about how I went wrong. It consumes my every waking moment sometimes I even dream about it if I can't come to some compromise with my head before I fall asleep.

I try to stay away from anything that even sounds remotely emotional because I know it will be awkward for me and it will show how I just don't empathize. Doesn't mean I don't care that you are suffering just I get into less trouble with not trying. When I do try someone always takes it as an insult even though all I want is for them to feel better. I am extremely compassionate to a fault. If I don't understand I ask others to explain it to me in hopes that I will and can respond correctly. If I can't I try to stay away from the topic so as to not make them feel worse. That's why I mainly deal with worried wells and try to stay out of the other topics as much as I do. Plus I also saw that no one really cared to get involved with the worried wells.

Now I'm sure people will say "oh I've had to deal with being misunderstood or being stigmatized against because of something." Unless it has been your entire life and you have been told constisently on a daily basis how horrible you are for it please don't bother doesn't even scratch the surface. For as long as I can remember I've been punished or penalized for having my difference and its blatantly obvious I can only hide it for short short short talks. All you need to do is be around me for five minutes and you know there is something off. Not like being gay (which I am also) or having HIV. Those you can choose to be around people like you/willing to accept or not tell anyone and they would never know.

It's increditably isolating and I didn't have the support for it as I do now growing up so I had to find ways of dealing with the constant set backs on my own. They may seem odd or wrong to you but they work for me.

I don't normally tell people I have aspergers, I feel if anyone is going to accept me I shouldn't have to tell them that. Doing so only makes me wonder if they are my friend because they feel sorry or if they truly want to be. Horrible at decyphering intentions. I am die hard loyal to those who at least try without being told.

The reason for that is I feel that people should be allowed to make up their own minds without being lead there by pity or sympathy or anything other than facts. It's the fairest way to deal with most issues that come up. It puts me and the other person on an even playing field. And I get to protect myself from feeling like I failed once again to convey my desire to be part of something.

I've gotten that feeling a few times when I have been thanked, but that isn't the case anymore. Seems like the more I let my guard down and try to be myself and join in, the worse the perception is of me. Overwhelmingly tired of it. I don't blame anyone I just wish it wasn't the case.

Anyway my final thought, I'm not looking for anything from anyone except the common courtesy of being left out of your witch hunts. You don't like the answer, fine, no need to get pissed at me I tried. You don't like how I talk or respond, fine, keep it to yourself. You want to think whatever, great think whatever, stop making it a mission to insult me, because it isn't my mission to insult you.

Take from it what u will. Just realize I am disappointed would be the most accurate way to describe how I feel.

Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Talking about stigma kicker 06/29/13 07:56 PM
. * Re: Talking about stigma riverprincessModerator   06/30/13 02:07 PM
. * Re: Talking about stigma anotherday   06/30/13 02:41 PM
. * Re: Talking about stigma riverprincessModerator   06/30/13 08:42 PM
. * Re: Talking about stigma kicker   06/30/13 05:25 PM

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