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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

Cruhaven
Member

Reged: 11/22/11
Posts: 10
Can't Sleep Tonight
      12/15/11 12:15 AM

I have been tossing and turning in bed all evening, unable to sleep at all. I am physically exhausted but sleep will not come. Perhaps it the racing thoughts in my head about mortality, what lays after this life and how are my kids going to cope with out their father. I am at stage 4 of this disease and am unable to affords meds of any sort. i am waiting on the state to see what they do, but it wil take 6-8 weeks to get a determination. So I am here wondering what happens in stage 4 and nothing is pretty.

Any OI can take me out in a flash. A cold, bacterium, even a freaking fungi infection can kill me now. So much for being invincible for my kids. They turn 12 next week, twin girls. I love them a lot. And now I need to explain to them that their Father has AIDS and is dying. Though not officially terminal, the prognosis for me is bleak. How do you explain this to 12 year olds? Hard enough for me at 45.

And so I find myself here, typing away late into the evening. I wonder where I will be in 1 year. Should I make a bucket list? Should I tell my mother? I have no one really to talk to, except my sister in law. My wife is still in shock and is not ready to deal with death, mortality, disability, or me for that matter.

I even had a dream the other night where I was picking out my own suit for the funeral. Odd. Strangely calming though. Reminded me from a month ago when my heart stopped beating for about 30 seconds. I remember how calm it was, almost a feeling euphoria and then I heard a clear, constant note; so pure and lovely....then I regained consciousness and was looking at a paramedic or police officer.

Went to the hospital and suddenly everything came crashing down. Diagnosed with HIV, had to tell the wife, then determined that I had AIDS due to CD4 counts being extremely low and having pneumonia at the time. And it is not even Christmas yet. Lovely gifts I am getting my family. Huge doctor bills, no insurance. No way to pay for meds. Bleak.

I think I need to make a good cup of joe and watch info-mercials all night long.

You can get a lot for only 19.99 plus shipping and handling!

Love you all

Cru



Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Can't Sleep Tonight Cruhaven 12/15/11 12:15 AM
. * Re: Can't Sleep Tonight riverprincessModerator   12/29/11 11:54 AM
. * Re: Can't Sleep Tonight Pos_in_Thailand   12/27/11 09:38 AM
. * Re: Can't Sleep Tonight hondadude   12/17/11 11:05 PM
. * Re: Can't Sleep Tonight GirBot   12/16/11 05:19 PM

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