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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

polymath
Newbie

Reged: 10/21/09
Posts: 4
Forgiving myself and moving on...
      10/21/09 12:39 AM

I've been positive 9 years this November. On a day to day basis, I don't even really think about the illness much. In fact, I've tried very hard to not let it define who I am and how I live my life.

However, lately, I've been struggling tremendously with the subject of forgiving myself. I can't seem to find it inside TO forgive myself and move on with my life.

I keep telling myself that I'll be able to forgive myself once I am settled in to a solid loving relationship. Once someone else sees me for who I am totally, accepts my illness and loves me for me as a whole, then *I* can forgive myself.

When I tell those closest to me this, they don't buy it. They think I should just stop regretting and start living.

The HIV prevents me from even TRYING to have a romantic relationship because I just feel like when someone begins to get close to me and it's time to disclose, they will look at me as some sort of lying fraud.

I feel like I'm dragging a ball and chain that I can conveniently hide behind me when a person first sees me, but eventually it's going to be seen and the person will decide 'better' and run off.

There's been one man in my life who's accepting of my illness and I've been clinging to the hopes that we can one day have a loving relationship. I've been waiting for this man for 5 years. I've waited through a marriage of his, and his last relationship (which ended several months ago). He is my best friend in the world, we talk every day, have been intimate already, and has finally expressed a vague interest in possibly pursuing a deeper relationship with me. But, the whole thing is only an 'if' right now.

But, if this relationship doesn't come to pass, I feel like I need to just give up because there isn't an understanding man that will spark my interest and that I'll really click with out there. I don't want to be pigeonholed into dating another person who's "like me" and has HIV because that's what people want of me. I want to be free to choose who *I* will love.

My last relationship ended 4 and a half years ago, and it was with the man who infected me. He has since passed away 3 years ago. I've met a few guys and most of them are scared of my situation, even to the point of telling me they weren't strong enough to handle it. And, I tell myself that there is no one else I even remotely want but my best friend.

So, in conclusion, how do I begin to forgive myself without using a man's love to do it?

It's getting extremely painful to keep holding this in inside. And as I sit here trying to wrap things up, I find tears just streaming down my face and just feel such pain, shame and embarrassment.

I just need some advice.

Thanks for listening.

Polymath



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Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Forgiving myself and moving on... polymath 10/21/09 12:39 AM
. * Re: Forgiving myself and moving on... jmiami   11/23/09 07:50 PM
. * Re: Forgiving myself and moving on... ausguy   11/01/09 09:16 PM
. * Re: Forgiving myself and moving on... polymath   11/07/09 01:57 AM
. * Re: Forgiving myself and moving on... OobiemoObie   11/02/09 01:11 AM
. * Re: Forgiving myself and moving on... Christa1   10/28/09 01:43 AM
. * Re: Forgiving myself and moving on... Angel_Ronnie   10/28/09 07:56 AM
. * Re: Forgiving myself and moving on... rm8471   10/26/09 02:56 PM
. * Re: Forgiving myself and moving on... OobiemoObie   10/24/09 11:17 PM
. * Re: Forgiving myself and moving on... polymath   11/07/09 01:54 AM
. * Re: Forgiving myself and moving on... Christa1   11/07/09 07:46 AM

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