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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

J.P.
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Re: "The Lazarus Syndrome"
      04/04/00 09:46 PM

Hello- I hesitate to even relply cause this is an old subject and the questions are too vauge (excuse my spelling)

the Lazarus syndrome to the other jp is the coming back from the dead. The protease inhibiter intervention was the first hope for many but the ultimate salvage therapy at the time. People whom had zero t counts and had sold the life insurance to take on trip to the caman islands before they died found themselfs not dying.

your questions peter:\

I didn't experience the intensity that other did as i was med therapy free holding out for a treatment option that wouldn't kill me , hoping i could maintain with out any. the other shoe dropped and i found myself with 3 t cells and a half mill or more viral load.
I started the med reigiem and it didn't work for me initially. 9 months of therapy didn't give me the promiced undetectable level in 2 weeks the pharmisutical companies tourted. i went of meds for a year and them crashed again only to go on a new set of meds. these worked more effectivly but not like other's sucess stories. Having been in hospice now for a second time i went to a few more funerals however other stopped dying. I was the first to walk out of our hospice. 9 others have followed in the last 2 years.
How does it feel to "come back from the dead" you ask.
You can't caputre it in words but good luck to you trying.
First
one has to know what it feel like to know your going to die in 6 months or less. And not a pretty death. Wasting, suffering, fever, fatigue, vomiting and diarrea till your 80 lbs and being spoon fed mush and even a tv in an unwelcome intrution on your private peace making state of being. Dependent on someone to wipe your butt. Then the mortality of being human sets in and one tries to find meaning and peace. A power greater, God, Goddess , Creater call it what you will. the 5 stages of grief pass through you this whole time. In a daze of mental abiration distorted from disease and sideeffects of toxic cures. Demetia kicks in. I really am going to die i think and it real and its me!!! Well after the denial and shock and anger and guilt and confusion pass I ask myself WHY? Aids , homeless, war, rape, predujuse and all the horrors of life dark disparing. What kind of creater makes this ( of course he/she doesn't make it but allows it) and hoefully a peace find one and an aceptance if not forgiveness at these/ this state comes.
The religios charlitans tring to save your "soul" at the last minute like a game show running up on the buzzer is the second from the last insult.
The last insult is the family and friends who weren't there for you in life crowded in your room mute and feeling stupid at the awkward feebleness of their awakening to this reality.

Then Arives the Protease inhibitor.

False Alarm . I'm not coming Home yet is the sigh of relief that only someone who has seen the nearing of death can understand in its experience. There is disbelif and distrust and fear that I will have to go though it again. Is THIS real or a false hope i wonder.Emotions I didn't expect to feel till I was 85 went through me and physical experiece and suffering i never immagined. Not necessarily as intense as induring as I did cross that like of admiting being beat. Releif, joy hope wonder appreciation. Life looks a little different to day. How long i don't know. Other (non aids) people have expereinced and other near death people. I understand now. I know myself better. I know my belief better. I know my concenpt of my creater better. I know love better. Those whom didn't make it and thoes who where there for me. the hospice staff. Volunteers. Nurses and doctors. Other patients whom became my extended family. I can love better now. Not nearly as well as i perhaps "should" though but life is growing.
11+ years of this i still get sick and depressed and in the hole but i do have 'hope after hope' ran out and 'time after time' ran out is what i have to draw from. That is how the lazarus syndrome feels to me.
Others have felt differnt and more or less.
It's personal.
I hope I helped you.
Feel free to e-Mail me.



Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* "The Lazarus Syndrome" Peter 04/04/00 09:43 PM
. * Re: "The Lazarus Syndrome" Windwalker911   03/05/02 09:57 PM
. * Re: "The Lazarus Syndrome" J.P.   04/04/00 09:46 PM
. * Re: "The Lazarus Syndrome" nancilee   04/04/00 09:45 PM
. * Re: "The Lazarus Syndrome" JP.   04/04/00 09:44 PM

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