It has been a long time for me, sometimes i believe way too long. I forgot that i was HIV Positive. So much so that i wonder as i sat on my chair watching time passing me by. I get it, i get that while i'm here thinking about where i go, and what i'm going to do, people are living, people are getting married, having children, going to school, working on a big project and all that, their life just keep going. Sometimes i tell myself that for once i would like people that believe themselves to be NORMAL to once, just once STOP and LOOK and focus on me.
Way too much to ask i suppose. I forgot that i was HIV Positive, so much so that i wanted to find a man and get married. I wanted to have another baby, I wanted to have sex without a condom, hell i wanted to eat anything, I also wanted to just live. Sometimes people will look at me and tell me that I seem so happy all the time, and i say to them yes you are right i do SEEM happy but that's because i am seemly happy.
I hide the truth in my heart, in my body, this blood that runs inside of me, is dirty and stained with sin. A sin that wasn't caused by me. How do i ask for forgiveness from this sin that i did not put upon myself? People don't know that i laugh all day, but when i go home and put my head on my pillow, i cry, i scream, i clinch myself in a ball and bawl. I don't know when i am done. I don't know because i fall asleep. And in my sleep i am happy again, joyful. I don't want to wake up. I hope it is like that when i die, if it is then i don't want to come out of my sleep anymore.
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Barbara A
Secretary
Belize City Belize
Central America
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I forgot that i was HIV Positive
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