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HIV Life >> Living With HIV

taurusthecat
Regular

Reged: 11/02/06
Posts: 131
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now
      09/24/07 08:42 AM

I'm not happy. I have been asking my doctor for ages if I can go on some kind of HIV drug therapy and I keep getting stalled. I've been pos for 8 years and over time my energy levels have gone down and down, my body is just fighting this virus as it would any other virus, but it seems that my blood counts are still in the 'normal' range, but they keep referring to the numbers like it's a bible or something. "Oh, you're fine right now, your CD4 counts are so and so and your viral load is so and so...... you're fine, let's just wait and see." Yeah right. Let's just wait and see me fall apart and get really sick, and THEN you might start acting on it and giving me something to fight this infection. Look. I've always had a robust immune system. I fight this fight really well, and my body copes with the onslaught. But it gets TIRED. Freaking tired. I'm at the stage now where I'm getting up out of bed and then after a few hours I just collapse immediately and have to go back to sleep. My life is on hold. I can't work. I'm getting old before my time. Just because my blood levels stay at an acceptable level does that mean that this disease is not taking it's toll on me? All it means is that while my body is effectively warding off this infection, other things it should be doing are being ignored. My blood counts might be nice, but the way I feel is definitely not nice. Like my normal healing and my normal energy levels. I scratch myself and the mark on my skin stays for weeks now. It used to be days. I get colds at the drop of a hat where I never was sick before. I feel weak and old every single day and I can't work or do anything. And I go to the doctor for help and all they do is take my blood and tell me to come back in three months. My body is doing the best it can and because it is doing an OK job, the doctor tells me that no medication is necessary. Well today I quit. Today I made a decision. I'm taking my health back into my own hands.
Just like if I had the flu, or a cold, or any other infection, I'm hitting it on the head and stamping it out. I don't have to be nearly half dead to deserve something to get rid of it. I don't have to be falling apart and have my immune system destroyed beyond repair for me to be able to ask politely "please can I have something to make me well again?" My "numbers" might look normal, but I've been in this body for 44 years and I know how I fight a fight. I go and go and go and go and go, and I show amazing strength and tenacity, and then after ages and ages of punching and fighting and not giving in, I suddenly collapse. I can't go on anymore and I fall down. Well myself and my body are one and the same thing. Why should the way I fight infection be any different from the way I fight a fight? My immune system is simply an aspect of myself. It's one and the same as far as I am concerned. And I can see it now. I'm alive, I'm existing, I'm fighting. Then all of a sudden "boom". My body gives up and I go downhill VERY FAST. No. Give me drugs now, let me hit it on the head and get rid of it while I'm still alive. Give my body a rest and some breathing space. It's no different in my mind to any other infection I might have. If I had the flu or a cold, I would ask for something to get rid of it and let me heal. Why is this any different? The way this clinic is letting me suffer the virus and not do anything to stop it makes me feel like I'm in some kind of 'control group', letting it go it's natural course to see how it goes compared to others who are on meds. All that matters in my mind is that there are medical capabilities out there which enable me to deal with this infection and I'm not being offered them. Isn't that malpractice? If I had tetanus in my foot surely they wouldn't just observe it to see if it 'went away' or 'stabalised'. I'm given constant drugs to keep my herpes at bay FFS, THAT won't kill me, but the HIV will. Why are they so slow to knock THIS virus on it's head? Research?!?

I am going to MAKE my doctor give me something to kill off this virus. I don't care if he thinks my "numbers" are fine or not, I want my energy back, I want my life back, I want my vitality back, I want to do things, to go places, to be able to get up out of bed and know without doubt that I will be able to commit to being up for more than 8 hours and not collapse in a heap afterwards. And if he doesn't help me I'll report him and go somewhere else. I tried for 8 years to follow protocol and trust in what very respected Melbourne clinics had to tell me. I have decided that they don't know squat. They have their "recipe", but they really don't know what to think at the end of the day. Only I know my own body and how it feels, and only I know what I should do for it's survival now.

--------------------
I'm like fake fruit...... I don't bruise that easy.

Edited by taurusthecat (09/24/07 09:23 AM)

Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now taurusthecat 09/24/07 08:42 AM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now taurusthecat   11/06/07 05:08 AM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now oldwoman   09/24/07 09:25 PM
. * Post deleted by Becky AIDS2HIV   09/26/07 10:27 AM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now vokz   09/26/07 01:48 PM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now taurusthecat   09/27/07 07:14 AM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now wdhjlr   09/24/07 11:18 AM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now Survivor   09/24/07 08:22 PM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now taurusthecat   09/27/07 01:29 AM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now vokz   09/24/07 10:31 AM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now Florida69   09/24/07 10:34 AM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now Florida69   09/24/07 09:55 AM
. * Re: I'm taking my treatment into my own hands now TRex   09/28/07 10:53 PM

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