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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

Anonymous
Unregistered

Waiting...an eternity
      03/30/00 10:01 PM

Waiting...each second that i wait passes like an eternity. tears
rush to my eyes in regret of my past actions. my heart stops
beating for a second or two when i dwell on the strong
possibility of a positive outcome. i cannot stand this torture of
waiting. i took a home hiv test two days ago and sent the blood
sample via fedex yesterday. when i placed my package in the fedex
drop, i wanted to break the container and throw my blood sample.
why would i want to confirm my worst fears, i thought? well,
living each day with the fear of hiv has wrought havoc in my day
to day existence. i shed tears at unexpected moments, lose my
appetite some days, binge on other days, etc... fear of the
worst, the worst case scenario. well...there were a few more
reasons why i began to panic...i found out that the boy i had
slept with (one night stand) was possibly bisexual...a rumor
only, but rumors have to start somewhere don't they??? then one
night at a club, i saw the guy that i had a sexual relationship
with for a few months...there were about 3 or his ex-girlfriends
there...all beautiful. and i am sure that he had sex with every
one of them and who knows who they had sex with, too. i took my
first test several years ago at a clinic. my results were
negative. i was ecstatic, knowing that God had given me a second
chance and forgiven all my past offenses. i was reckless those
years; having unprotected sex with many men. i was "good"
(practiced safe sex, limited my sexual partners to just a few)
until last year...i was depressed after graduating from school,
ending a relationship with my first love, not knowing what i
wanted from the future...i allowed myself to have a one night
stand. supposedly, he didn't "ejaculate" in me, but that does not
matter. we had intercourse, and that is that. i never though much
about it...several months passed and i became involved with
another man...someone i really desired and wanted to be with. we
had a sexual relationship...at first, we were cautious, but then
became reckless. we ended several months later. then, i found the
man of my dreams, quite unexpectedly. someone who i wanted to
share the rest of my life with. after six months had passed, i
began to take a look back on my past sexual activities, fearing
that they might come to haunt me. things were soooo extremely
fantastic with my current love that i knew something had to go
wrong. so i began to worry...i would call hotlines, one after the
next...postponing a test date because of my "busy" schedule and
the inconvenience of going to some of the anonymous testing
sites. so i finally ordered a home test over the telephone to be
delivered to me at work. i wanted to make sure that no one at
work would know what the package was, and the test company did a
fairly good job of protecting the source of the package and
whatnot. so i took the test...after waiting several days...i was
scared, frightened beyond belief....my poor love was frazzled by
my behaviour...extreme fits of moodiness...tears one minute,
laughter the next. i would cling to him, saying how much i loved
him and wanted to be with him. we had previously talked about our
future...getting married, possibly...our future lives
together...we were planning to live together in a few months. so
here i wait...the test results will not be available for another
few days. i prefer the option of calling in and being at my own
home when i receive the results. of course, i have concluded that
i am hiv+ though i will not be sure for the next few days. i only
do this to soften the blow when it is dealt. i just cannot
believe that i can be lucky twice. i don't know what to do...each
day is a living nightmare. my reality has split into two parallel
dimensions,one being life as hiv+ while the other dreaming of the
possibilities of a family and kids. last night, i tried to tell
my lover that i had taken the test, but i could not. i just
looked at him as he went to sleep, tears rolling down my face. i
can live with the fact that i am hiv+, but i do not know how to
begin to tell my family and my love, the most. my mother is a
die-hard christian who has always believed that i will return to
the "faith" one day. i was the responsible one in my family:
attended a top university, worked and paid for college, got a
good job, lived a "clean" life, etc. my mom just recently lost
her own mother, and i don't know what to do when i tell her that
i might die before she does. and for my lover...what do i tell
him? we have had a sexual relationship, safe and unsafe at
times...what if i infected him? i know many might think i am
jumping the gun, but this fear does not stem from a lack of
reason, but based on completely plausible risk factors. when i
read about AIDS fear, i knew that i was under its influence. i
began to read document after document about hiv+ symptons.
nothing can be certain, but i recall becoming very ill after my
one night stand last year. i had a fever and body aches (flu-like
symptons) for two days. i was bedridden, thinking that i got sick
from being out in the rain all day and catching a chill (which is
still probable), but i had never gotten as sick as that in
years...i can't even recall when i was that sick. i even lost my
appetite, which i never do. so, here i am...waiting with fear and
trepidation. i love my life, my dreams, my man, my
family...things don't have to end when i know the results, but
why do i think that they will? i'm scared beyond belief. i have a
large lump in my throat every day and my eyes are always teary.
just a few days...




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Subject Posted by Posted on
* Waiting...an eternity Anonymous 03/30/00 10:01 PM
. * Re: Waiting...an eternity verrucktpj   10/26/07 10:13 PM

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