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HIV Transmission and Education >> Am I Infected?

Anonymous
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My story
      03/30/00 10:00 PM

my story is like this: i went through years of always wondering
whether or not i had the hiv virus....one night stands with
condoms, but sometimes they broke. othertimes, i felt longterm
boyfriends were cheating on me. other times i had oral sex , and
the list goes on. everytime i seemed to be in the clear, i did
something else stupid, again!!!! well. exactly a year and 2
months ago, i decided to not screw around with guys so casually.
i have since not had sex, not even kissing anyone. i miss kissing
very much, though. my point is, by taking a hiatus [sp?] from all
sexual activity, not only have a had a year free of worrying
about hiv infection, but i have realized i was addicted to sex.
among other things. and i realized that i had absolutely no
f****ng self esteem...at All. in realizing this, i feel more
assured in myself that i will not just sleep with someone just to
do it. every one is still suseptible to this disease through
unprotected sex, however, if you have a sexual addiction, or very
low self esteem , working on those problems may be vital to your
very life. if i had not taken time out from sex, and realized how
my bad self esteem caused me to practice unsafe sex, i may be
infected today. infact, i almost know it. now at least, i believe
i will make better decisions , because now, i believe i AM worth
something. ANd so are you. i have learned to read erotic
literature, go dancing, explore my sexual self in my dreams and
waking fantiasies to help me through not having sex. i totally do
not miss having sex because #1 i know i will enjoy it more
waiting for someone i love #2 it feels soooo good to not be in a
constant state of worry. [and i must say, even though i am so
happy i dont have hiv, i realize, i may get it next year through
a loving boyfriend, who knows. there is no guarantee. but my wish
is for other people, including myself, to abstain until they can
start thinking with selfworth instead of self hatred. P.S.S. i
didnt know i hated myself at the time, i just knew my life was
out of control. }




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