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HIV Life >> Gay Men

mr. ed
Unregistered

releasing a twenty year anger over my infecter
      06/08/04 10:40 PM

Hey i'm in theropy again and just finnally after almost twenty years mad as hell and need to vent . Back in 1985 I fell inlove with what I thought was the perfect person for me . I was living in houston and it was a geographical change to get away from aids . Instead I got involved with some one I fell head over heals for and got infected.
I had worked with some one involve with the national gay task force so early on when they first started getting information out as grid I turned my sex habits around and started practicing safe sex . But not to long after I moved to texas I met and fell in love with Lou he was from flushings new york and just a year and a half out of a 20 some odd year relationship. We were both healthy or so i thought so early on he convinced me that we could just keep things betwen us and I let my guard and we began having unprotected sex. He had told me he ad been safe since the end of his relationship so we settled into our routine and went with our lives.
A year and a half later he got sick and died in two weeks time . He had aids related lymphoma in the bone marrow . So at that time I had to come out for him to his sisters and also tell them he was dieing. I was only twenty six and absolutly beside myself. his sister came down and we went through the process together we bonded and became close.
Gilda Lou's sister kept repeat all the time I can't believe my brother did this to you and I would not hear of it . This was my first relationship were I thought the love was not one sided and more or less made a saint out of him. But a saint he wasn't his closest freinds all asked if wwe had been practicing safe sex because they told me between his last relationship and us he had just about lived in the bathes in new york or were ever he went and had hepitisus during that period . They also came up with a list of people he had dated that had disappaer from the sence not to be seen again.
In the back of my head I would not let this sink in and would not let go of image of him or even think that he would do this to me. that would have been letting go of the perfect lover till he died image and letting the liar and betrayer he turned out to be in. I don't know why maybe self defense but I have held onto this for almost twenty years.
Well the last 9 years i have been in a relationship with a partner that is not posative . The virus has always been an issue and it should be . But the past year or so this broke down and we are now in couple counciling . I was told to write a letter to the virus and let out my feelings and the top of that list was my betrayel by my dead lover. I can not tell you what has finnally come out I wrote a letter to him and wished he was here so i could have shoved it up his ass with a stick ot two of tnt . I am overwelmed with anger at this point and need to vent the counciler sugested post something on a bulletin board so here i am . I'm interested in hear from other and their experiences . Also I have been very lucky In nearly twenty years have had no magor health problems other than reaction to meds am currently on a cocktail I tolerate well have a count just under 500 and a viral load just above 1000 . I do need to have my gall bladder out wich the doctor is surpized I have hung onto for so long . So there it is even if no one has I response I have gotten it out and hopefully am on my way back to my normal life thanks mr. ed

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Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* releasing a twenty year anger over my infecter mr. ed 06/08/04 10:40 PM
. * Re: releasing a twenty year anger over my infecter EDDIE__VASQUEZ   10/30/04 11:11 PM
. * Re: releasing a twenty year anger over my infecte Anonymous   07/07/04 12:32 PM
. * Re: releasing a twenty year anger over my infecter Anonymous   06/15/04 01:50 AM
. * Re: releasing a twenty year anger over my infecter Anonymous   06/14/04 11:52 PM
. * Re: releasing a twenty year anger over my infecte Anonymous   06/09/04 02:12 AM
. * Re: releasing a twenty year anger over my infecte Anonymous   06/09/04 07:26 PM
. * Re: releasing a twenty year anger over my infecte Anonymous   06/29/04 04:34 PM
. * Re: releasing a twenty year anger over my infecte EDDIE__VASQUEZ   10/30/04 11:18 PM

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