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willybgood
Newbie

Reged: 11/21/12
Posts: 3
Loc: CT
HIV as a Sanskara
      12/31/12 07:46 PM

impression; under the impulse of previous
impressions) are the imprints left on the subconscious mind by experience in this or previous lives, which then color all of life, one's nature, responses, states of mind, etc."
 
So, I drafted a list of list of them and I selected one as a stem for a writing exercise and said this. I have to say, I had no problem coming up with a list and thought to myself.
I was an impressionable youth, but unfortunately the environment and the people had there own unresolved sanskaras, Thus, it left their stories a bit too black and white for my colorful soul.
So, I chose one that was less directly influenced by them and acquired as an adult Proof possible, of my naive ways at 23.
My relationship to HIV, as a sanskara.
I admit, it is a kind of a lie I told myself cop out , a reason not to. All excuses for procrastination. One does odd things to survive. A long time ago, I made a deal , with my God.
The deal being, that I would care for the others , if he would be kind enough to spare me. Over the 27 years I have sparred with my God about this deal. Waiting for the axe to fall,
checking the mirrors for specs that could become , it. It being KS. " No, not my face place, anywhere else , not my face, please, please God." " I will attend another funeral in order to not die."
The paranoia of the times. An AIDS victim. the doomed life of the second son to die. Live, abuse, be reckless and die. This lie some of my associates never corrected.
I have sunk to the bottom of despair and thought it a raw deal. The inadequate bids to end it. Like clouds in the storms, it all passes with time , if one can just endure. I had
convinced myself of another ending to this distorted tale. I had work to be done and more to do. Even the cancer has been conquered for today.
Yet, I ask, in review is this contract still valid? Are their consequences for my new methods of caring? The contour of the road has changed over time.
The cost alone is heading towards a million dollars for my lifetime. A million dollar man by the end.
Certainly, I cannot question my worth in dollars and I am fortunate to be aware that my self has no price tag, even in its worthless moments. My doubts and fears.
Even 27 years later, one cannot really escape the indelible mark of HIV on a life, a soul, a society, our humanity. I have overcome many things and have worn many clothes.
How do I wear my status into the future? Most of the time I am gratefully unaware of its cloak. With gratitude and respect I hope to have maintained my end of the deal.
I am just in my prime of repaying my God. I was in a unique position. This is my dharma. This is my goal, to reach out to many and it may be with words, intentions and guidance , instead of hands on.
Still in service, just using a broader brush for now .Forever the artist and the nurse. The caregiver and the healer. The beginning and the end. Present. To Live, to love and to survive.
 


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* HIV as a Sanskara willybgood 12/31/12 07:46 PM
. * Re: HIV as a Sanskara riverprincessModerator   01/01/13 09:12 AM

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