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HIV Life >> Gay Men

xxaustin
Newbie

Reged: 06/02/09
Posts: 2
Up Date 3yrs on ''23 and just got tested''
      06/02/09 04:55 PM

Hi everyone,
Not sure what made me come back or decide to do this, guess an update - at a low point again - help again!

When I was first diagnosed over 3yrs ago I was at a low point in my life and was not sure what to do or what was going to happen or had any one to talk to! I was so over whelmed by the reply’s I got and to find people out there in the same situation that I have decided to come back for more help guidance etc...

Original post
‘23 and just got tested + not sure what life has’

“Hey, I am 23 and just found out i have HIV and sure to start treament soon(cd4 197 -VL19.000). I keep asking my self and god, why start, what can life have to offer me now with this virus, I have so many desisions to make i just cant decide what is the right one, also being at uni and the start of adulthood what is the point!. I have kept this secret to myself and not sure who to trust with this problem and who to put it on (which is eating me up and on my mind every second of the day),,, not sure if best not to start treament and letting life go, will i ever beable to be truthful to the people i love (family-friends) telling people i was gay was bad enough now hiv! dont think i can cope living with what are ment to be the best years of my life with this dark cloud over me.....and how will i ever meet some one i can love and love me bak now!!!!! feel like running away! but where to? hate feeling sorry for my self but how do i get my self out of it...
Any Helpful Words or some direction......Thanks”

LINK / http://www.thebody.com/cgi-bin/bbs/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=gaymen&Number=218937&page=19&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=all&vc=1 /

Anyway, how has life actually changed? Well I can say I have managed to get through the last 3yrs, decided to get on meds and start to fight the virus, I have an undetectable viral load and cd4 at current 480! I finished university and have started my own women’s clothing label with my sister, which is the hardest work I have yet to do, I could say harder than living with HIV at times and of course at this time and in the current financial climate is being effected and may have some effect to how am feeling.

Enough about the history! Where am I now? Still living alone with this virus – still not built the courage to tell family or friends and still feel such alone in the world (why haven’t I told family and friends you may be asking? scared /ashamed / feel silly for what I have let happen, not sure y because after all I know they would be there for me – but then don’t want to put this on them I guess and as before) Still feel like I have wasted my life and have not much to look forward to! Still I feel like running away and cutting all ties with anyone, I sometimes get envious of my friends who are moving on with their lives, meeting people moving, going travelling - which I feel I have no option of now - but what will that do!

I guess also am unhappy about the doctors I see. If I bump in to old friend or people from the past I get a lot oww no how skinny have u gone how much weight have u lost – which deep down inside eats me up and has started to effect the way i am socialising i refuse to get pics of myself took due to looking like I do on them.

When I go to the doctors they say I am still around the same weight as before ‘ I have high cheek bones I should be happy’ when I try to explain that when I come /found out I was already sick and had lost so much weight, they don’t listen they refer back to the first weight took and reel of as before, I have tried to change docs and seem to get no were – they tell me the meds am on does not affect/or have them side effects (sustiva and kivexa) I explain I understand that – I did see an improvement when I first started, my energy levels and weight did seem to improve slightly but the main place is my face that never changes (the rest is coved by clothes and not like anyone is going to get to see it) and if I get sick every now and again is prone to lose weight and never able to regain! So the last time I actually attended a clinic was back in October 2008 due to getting no help with the issues I was having, so I just go to the blood clinic get my bloods took and get prescriptions of them.

Also due to no one knowing about me – the last time I was admitted to hospitable I attended with my mum and as the doc was seeing me she was in the room so I was unable to actually say and guess didn’t want to say I had HIV, and had to have an operation due to having a peri-anal abscess and now feel so bad for not saying to the doctors and feel like I could have put myself in danger and the doctors.
Also I find it hard to attend the clinics as well in case I actually bumped in to some one I knew, which scares me and with the no help I get don’t see the point, I guess all the problems above are down to my own silly fault of not getting the courage to tell people – but I just can find the right time/person/ right words or courage to say – am HIV poz 
So I guess I have managed to get through the 3yrs but still not managed to deal with the issues that were affecting me in the first place.

Feel like I am lost again, the 1st yr of treatment was really good I could see improvements and feel back to normal and did manage to block most of the above problems out – but I have started to feel like I am falling back down a slippery slope and don’t know how or where to get out or what’s ahead of me. I wish I could meet someone in the same situation but how is that going to happen if no one knows about me and not prepared to disclose it! I guess after all that rambling I still don’t know what to do or want to find out – just life’s really tough at the moment and any help or actual contact with someone else in the same situation would be really nice / even better a big hug from my mum to say every think is going to ok ..:-( I guess I should stop before I make myself more upset thanks and bye x A


Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Up Date 3yrs on ''23 and just got tested'' xxaustin 06/02/09 04:55 PM
. * Re: Up Date 3yrs on ''23 and just got tested'' psycolily   07/28/09 07:48 PM
. * Re: Up Date 3yrs on ''23 and just got tested'' Dreamer76   06/03/09 02:35 PM
. * Re: Up Date 3yrs on ''23 and just got tested'' hopefulone   06/07/09 12:13 PM

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