I guess I need to spill my guts on this situation and overcome my fear. If I don't, it will be my undoing.
I was diagnosed HIV+ on December 1, 2003 at the age of 31. I was not entirely shocked, but at the same time, not looking forward to what lie ahead. I contracted the virus from my partner, whom I had been with for almost five years. I knew he was positive when we met.
Six weeks after I was diagnosed HIV+, my partner had an unexpected heart attack, one week after his 42nd birthday and passed away. He died in my arms before the paramedics could save him. I have never experienced such grief or loss before in my entire life.
Two years have passed since that tragic time. Since the end of March 2004, I have not been with any other man in a true sexual way; fully involved intercourse.
At this time, the thought of being with another man is completely vulgar to me. Some how, I have gotten into my mind that the next person I have sex with, will die. Not only that, I am a walking toxic plague. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror because I carry this disease. I have never felt so disgusting in my entire life. I donít know how to approach it, get help resolving these issues, talk openly with other gay men who are positive, even the thought of being intimate with another man, let alone another human being.
I used to attend a newly diagnosed group, but it did not last. Iím working with my physician to find a good therapist who deals mostly with this issue. Iím doing the best that I can, but it just seems hopeless.
I have never been down this road of self hate, for so long, or so deep.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I want to love myself. I want to love someone else again and be comfortable with me being HIV+.
Any help, wisdom, word of encouragement would be forever grateful.