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HIV Life >> Gay Men

mikey334
Newbie

Reged: 07/24/05
Posts: 2
Encouragement Needed!
      07/27/05 08:13 PM

Hi all! I'm new here on the boards and I need a little encouragement. Unfortunately about six months ago I just got sick and tired of the whole treatment thing. From the bureaucarcy to a doctor that wouldn't listen to me I just decided that it wasn't worth the trouble and, needless to say, I kicked all my meds to the curb and just stopped with my care altogether. That was a huge mistake as I wasn't in such good shape to begin with. Couple that with a straight roommate that has his own issues and it's a recipe for disaster.

During the six months that I was off meds the opportunistic infections started kicking, most notably thrush. There were times that it was just too painful to eat and, as a result my weight plummeted down to about 95 pounds. I'm a small-framed man at 5'5" tall and I know that I'll never be a big guy but I was looking like a walking skeleton. Literally! My face was hollow and it basically looked like a skull with skin.

In the middle of May I decided that I had a choice. I could either die like this or I could take my life back. I chose the latter. I have since gotten a new doctor that I like and who seems to be doing all the right things as far as getting me on the right track. I have referrals coming out the ying yang as far as doctor and dental treatment go. I'm also considering therapy because I know I will repeat the same thing all over again if I don't seek counseling.

The thing is that when I got my first lab results back after more than six months of not having labs done they showed that I had a CD4 count of 6. 6! My doctor told me that he couldn't give me an accurate viral load as the test can't measure past 750,000 per cubic milliliter. Why am I still alive? By all accounts I should be dead. People just don't live with 6 CD4 cells!

My doctor is great. He doesn't preach to me like my old doctor did and he has this "I know things look bad but we're going to change it" attitude which is really refreshing considering my last doctor wouldn't listen to a word that I said. I have a great case manager that's helping me get back into the system which, as some of you probably know, can be a nightmare. I honestly think that all the paperwork and bureaucracy makes people sicker than than they would be if they didn't have to jump through all the hoops to get meds and medical attention but it's got to be done.

When I look at my numbers and see just how low they are I get depressed because even though I'm now doing the right thing and I'm back on meds I can't help but wonder if I can regain my health. I often feel that the damage has been done and there is no turning back now but I'm not going to lay around and wait to die like I was before. I'm back at work and although I suffer from a great deal of fatigue it's better than laying around the house watching TV or playing on my computer. I have to do something to keep my mind off of my condition.

Since I've been back on my meds things are starting to improve. My energy levels are up and physically I'm feeling better than I have in a long time but it's just this feeling that I have that the end is near that's bothering me.

As far as friends and family go I shut them out a long time ago. I guess that I didn't want them to go through this with me that I did that. Truth be told I don't even know my parent's phone number anymore. That's how long I've been out of their lives. With my friends, it seems as though I've just let them fall by the wayside and now I feel like I have absolutely no support system left and it's now that I think that I need a support system more than I ever have.

'd like to hear from those who have been in my position. I'm wondering how those whose numbers have been so low can bounce back from the living dead. Any advice you guys could give me would be great!

Thanks, Mike



Post Extras: Remind Me!     Notify Moderator

Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* Encouragement Needed! mikey334 07/27/05 08:13 PM
. * Re: Encouragement Needed! Anonymous   08/05/05 03:44 AM
. * Re: Encouragement Needed! Happycamper   08/03/05 06:55 PM
. * Re: Encouragement Needed! Dan   07/28/05 09:40 PM
. * Re: Encouragement Needed! deeLL   07/28/05 03:36 PM
. * Re: Encouragement Needed! Basquo   07/28/05 03:27 PM
. * Re: Encouragement Needed! catchingstars   07/28/05 12:56 PM
. * Re: Encouragement Needed! TennJack   07/28/05 12:29 AM
. * Re: Encouragement Needed! mikey334   07/28/05 09:18 AM
. * Re: Encouragement Needed! Anonymous   08/04/05 03:06 AM
. * Re: Encouragement Needed! TennJack   08/03/05 11:04 PM
. * oligar stefsorg   07/28/05 01:08 PM

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