dead man, dead man walking - TheBody.com's Bulletin Boards

i keep reading odds and stats and all of the one time insertive vaginal sex stuff. i'm wondering if my constant depression, well worthlessness, my infidelity, how i let down my wife and family. if that's really whats still eating me alive from the inside out, i constantly have headaches, which i'm figuring are from my stress since they stem from my neck. at the one time the odds and stats relaxed me, and now they don't, i'll either have it or not, one time sex and i'll get it.
i'm being entirely anal about me, i just wait for something to happen for ARS and it doesn't i'm out to 65 days or something since possible exposure. i want everything to just stop, but i can't control any of it. i feel like i'll never be happy again and it's so overwhelming. i'm a terrible rotten person, plain and simple i cheated on my wife, and i'm going to have to pay for that for the rest of my life. literally i'm sliding through existance, yeah i should have counseling but i don't wanna. it seems the more i suffer the more of gods forgivness i will have. i'm constantly praying for help from god, and even deceased family members, to no avail...well not that i notice, then again, would i notice? maybe i had this emotional mental issue and this was the icing on the cake? either way i have myself condemned to this hell, yes it is hell and i created it. i don't deserve anything my wife is still with me, but seemingly less interested in anything with me. i'm so sincerely disgusted in myself words alone cannot express my feelings. this sounds like a suicide letter i know, but it's not...i have to wait, and that alone is killing me, i have to test first at 3 months which is the 26th, then who knows how long to find out. i honestly feel that taking my life after a poz result is best really, no one will change that notion. i will not exist another 20 or 30 years having the guilt of unfaithfullness eating away at me. it would be selfish for me to stay with my wife, taking away her chance of living a happy wonderful life because of her hiv husband. she deserves better than me. well thats my story........perhaps i won't recover???? my deceased family members are preparing my place.

Post Extras: Remind Me!