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Taking Jess' advice and trying to help others
      08/01/04 11:41 PM

I chronicaled my personal desent into hell as a response to help someone who posted. My story may help others, it may not. However, I am starting to pull myself out of my mental tailspin. If my story helps others, than it has served it's purpose:u

Hey Anonymous,

I am in the same boat as you, married with kids and I did something with someone that I should not have. I tested negative after 6 weeks with ELISA and 8 weeks and finally 82 days. When I explained the situation to my doctor, he told me that I was fine, that was after one week. I came back and tested after 6. As he said, it would be negative. It was. I would not be discouraged though. I got on the internet and researched the symptoms of HIV. VERY BIG MISTAKE! I screwed with my head to the point where one day I sat on my bed sobbing. Sound familiar. Oh, I have been in combat before and never once worried about getting shot. There was no dishonor in dying this way. I did not want to get HIV and go out that way, because I would have gotten it from somebody I should not have been with. I found that very dishonorable. Anyway, to make matters worse, there was a throat thing going around the office. Needless to say, I got it. Even more worse, my wife got it. Swollen lymphs, hard to swallow, etc. When I told her that I had a swore throat, she called me a hypocondriac. (I told her about my encounter and that I was worried about HIV. She is a health care worker and new after my first test came back negative that I was physically ok.)

Anyway with her having a swore throat and hard to swallow, that was all I could take. The thought of giving her HIV was more than I could stand. I went out that day and bought a Home Access Test. The result was negative. However, since I was still within the 90 days that the CDC recommended, there was still a question. I continued to be "afraid of my own shadow." I three weeks ago, I looked down at my bicep at work, saw a petechiea and went out at lunch and bought another Home Access test and took it. As you can expect the result was negative. This was at the 82 day mark. I figured that Dr. Bob and company were real big on the theory of 12 weeks which equal 84 days. I figured 82 days was close enough. Well, for about two weeks I was good to go, but never really let go of the thought having HIV. Well a few days ago, my skin started tingling and itching so naturally the though of HIV kick in. Dr. Bob referred to a question I wrote in an kind of put it in perspective for me. Basically he told me that I had to get used to the fact that I did not have HIV and to move on.

I will tell you that my worry over HIV has caused my wife to disrespect me more than the act that caused the worry. I have also in all likelihood given myself or reaggravated an ulcer. I have had those before and KNOW what they feel like.

I guess the whole point of my rablings here is that you have to forgive yourself and accept the test results. I bet you got it in your mind that you are going to die. been there and done that. Still getting over it. It will take some time, but both of us will eventually get over it. I personally have turned the bible. It does help, but you have to forgive yourself. Just as I have to do also.

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Subject Posted by Posted on
* Taking Jess' advice and trying to help others Anonymous 08/01/04 11:41 PM
. * Re: Taking Jess' advice and trying to help others Anonymous   08/03/04 02:43 AM
. * Re: Taking Jess' advice and trying to help others Anonymous   08/03/04 03:00 PM

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