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HIV Life >> Gay Men

brian patrick
Unregistered

i am 23 and i just tested HIV+
      04/03/00 10:47 AM


I just turned 23 and I just found out I have been infected with the HIV virus. It will be three
months on December 17th that I have known and it never gets easier. I am on triple
therapy Crixivan/Zerit/Epivir and my viral load has declined from 35,800 to under 200. It is
strange that the fact that my numbers look good isn't bringing me a huge sense of relief or
anything akin to happiness. I feel like I am lost, alone and dying. I know it sounds dramatic
and maybe it is, but I can't shake the feeling that I am a freak, a disease carrier. I am now
seeing a psychatrist to help me sort out these issues and I'm really not sure what I am
saying here. I AM ANGRY AT THIS DISEASE!!!!!! I am angry that I have to take 10
pills a day (not including vitamins)! I am angry that I made stupid, careless mistakes that
will eventually cost me my life!! I am angry that my lover will have to go through the pain
of losing me and I will have to go through the pain of losing him!! I have never experienced
such a torrent of emotions. Everyday I am reminded that I have a virus replicating inside
my body. Not by taking the pills, but just by living. Sitting in a public place or watching TV.
Every baby, child, mother, family I see reminds me of what I have inside of me. I sit in a
cafe at lunch and look around wondering if I am the only person there that understands the
rage I feel inside. Will this ever get any easier to deal with? Do I want it to is really the
question I should ask. Will I ever want to reach the point where being HIV+ is something I
am comfortable with or something I just don't think about anymore. I will fight this virus
until I draw my final breath and I am hopeful that I will overcome, but I have so much rage.
Do any of you relate to this? How have you dealt with the rage? How have you dealt with
mixed status relationships? Any thoughts would really help me. Sorry I kind of went off a
little, but it felt good to vent!



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Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* i am 23 and i just tested HIV+ brian patrick 04/03/00 10:47 AM
. * Re: i am 23 and i just tested HIV+ Anonymous   04/03/00 10:48 AM
. * Re: i am 23 and i just tested HIV+ Anonymous   04/03/00 10:48 AM
. * Re: i am 23 and i just tested HIV+ brian patrick   04/03/00 10:53 AM
. * Re: i am 23 and i just tested HIV+ freddy   04/03/00 10:52 AM
. * Re: i am 23 and i just tested HIV+ tracy   04/03/00 10:52 AM
. * Re: i am 23 and i just tested HIV+ david   04/03/00 10:51 AM
. * Re: i am 23 and i just tested HIV+ dwight   04/03/00 10:51 AM
. * Re: i am 23 and i just tested HIV+ j.w.   04/03/00 10:50 AM

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