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HIV Life >> Gay Men

Anonymous
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My first gay experience scared me so much!
      04/03/05 02:42 PM

I recently met a "nice guy" and although i know i'm gay i had never experienced any type of gay intercourse. well, we both talked about our pasts--and since i had never had sex, i knew i was negative (plus i had to be tested before because of my work and, of course, was negative). he told me that he had been tested a couple months ago and that he hadn't been with anyone since that time. so, that was nice to know.

well, when i decided to do it, i still wanted to be safer and use a condom and lubricant. well, when i was performing anal sex (i was the "insertive" or "top" partner), i was very deep (i'm very well-endowed) and obviously at some point the condom broke. I think it broke on the side and not at the tip, which would be better right? well, i was really scared. so, i told him that the condom had broken.

even though i was worried, i felt a little relief knowing that he had been tested recently and was negative. well, guess what? after it happened, he told me "i'm sorry...i lied about that. i wasn't tested a couple of months ago--it was last year" i started freaking out big time!!!! then he told me that he was actually tested a year ago and had been with 2 men since then but that all his encounters had been protected. normally that would have made me feel better but now i can't believe anything he says and i'm so worried. he emailed me today and told me that he donated blood about 5 days ago at the hospital and that they would have called him if there had been a problem and nobody called him so that was a good sign. and again, normally that would relieve some of my anxiety...but that's only if i can believe him, which i can't.

i know i have to get tested in about 3 months for my own peace of mind, but i'm so worried and angry. i tried to do the right thing...to talk about safe sex and past encounters, to use a condom and lubrication...and then the condom broke AND i found out that he had lied to me.

i'm so worried and scared now. i mean, my first time and this happens...i just hope that he's telling the truth that all his encounters have been protected and that he did donate blood and was okay.

but the odds are in my favor, right? i mean, for me to get hiv, he has to have it already, and i can't assume that he has it because the odds are in my favor that he doesn't have it, right? and then--even though the condom broke, i don't think it broke at the tip, but rather a little to the side, that's better than if it had broken at the tip, right? and it's better that was the top, right? i mean, assuming that he even has it...it's more dangerous for the bottom, right?

i don't know...i know nobody here can diagnose me and i know i have to get tested, but i'm so scared. i just keep trying to tell myself that the odds are in my favor and that MAYBE this stupid guy is telling the truth now that his encounters had been protected and that his blood donation went smoothly.

i just hate that this was my first gay experience, it makes me too scared to even think about trying it again.

thanks for listening.

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Entire thread
Subject Posted by Posted on
* My first gay experience scared me so much! Anonymous 04/03/05 02:42 PM
. * Re: My first gay experience scared me so much! jesuslovesme   11/04/08 01:15 AM
. * Re: My first gay experience scared me so much! sacinsc   09/14/07 12:36 PM
. * Re: My first gay experience scared me so much! Dan Wilcox   06/12/05 06:23 PM
. * Re: My first gay experience scared me so much! RobbyD   04/23/05 01:43 PM
. * Re: My first gay experience scared me so much! Anonymous   04/20/05 05:11 PM
. * Re: My first gay experience scared me so much! jdsk8r   04/06/05 01:38 PM
. * Re: My first gay experience scared me so much! Anonymous   04/05/05 03:24 PM
. * Re: My first gay experience scared me so much! toughforce   04/12/05 11:07 PM
. * Re: My first gay experience scared me so much! Anonymous   04/04/05 06:54 PM
. * Re: My first gay experience scared me so much! Anonymous   05/10/05 02:37 AM

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