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HIV Life >> Women

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New User

Reged: 11/07/12
Posts: 1
      #268847 - 11/07/12 01:52 AM

Hi, im new to this. I need opinions or advice. Im very confused and I dont know wht my next step is...

To start of I have been poz for alost 5 years. I got it from my ex bf of whom I was with 8 years. I left him and started to want to date again. Nobody knows of my status, excpt 1 close fnd, my ex and his family and doctors. I never reveled or gone thru the intense anxiety breaking the news to someone or even deling with the aftermath.

I just met this guy (online) we were only talking for a little over a week. e liked each other very much and decided that we should meet.. however b4 we would meet, i felt like he needed to know about my secret I dislosed my status.
As I mentioned we really liked each other, and wanted to get to know each other in a more personal level but feel like this put a pause on us.
He says he needs time to think about what he wants to do, I gave him some information to understand this better, but i feel him distant but he constantly says, he scared and needs ime, which I totally understnd. However Im up to the point that myb he just doesn wan to hurt my feelings, becus he cant be with me.

How long should i wait to see if he is capable of handling this situation?
How long should i give him to soak this news up. Without me being pushy?

I have alot of anxiety waiting around for his decison..

HIV+ 29yr old female, NY NY

Edited by MzAnonyMs (11/07/12 03:48 AM)

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New User

Reged: 06/22/07
Posts: 8
Re: Disclosure new
      #269136 - 11/22/12 01:40 AM

You probably have moved on from this given the number of weeks it has been. But I wanted to reply anyways. I have dated several people while being positive, and I have to say consistently that they either accept it or they don't, up front and immediately. It takes a certain personality and life open-mindedness, which I have found simply do not flip like a light switch overnight. Hesitation in this respect tends to carry over to other parts of life and choices of who to be around. I hate to sound fatalistic about it, but sincerely, I would let it go and move on. It doesn't do us any favors emotionally to hang around by a thread while somebody else is juggling his desire to be with you with his desire to fulfill a perfect idealistic involvement free of illness and risk. Even if a person is slightly or mostly okay with it, would we want to be with someone who accepts us only 50%, 75%, of the way? Why should we be the one to prove our worth and value in a relationship? If the person is a right fit, he and you will see the value in each other through other measures of intimacy and attraction, not via the status of your blood work. If I am totally off base on this and things have turned out magically, please let me know so that I can correct my own hopes and dreams. =)

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New User

Reged: 03/10/12
Posts: 22
Loc: Texas
Re: Disclosure new
      #269187 - 11/23/12 11:06 PM

Let him have all the time he needs to absorb the information. If it's real, he will come around on his own. If he doesn't, accept that and move forward. Keep your head up and stay positive. Love and believe in yourself no matter what! Rejection is already hard but to be rejected because of status is a double blow. I'm know because I'm dealing with it also. It's better to tell now than to wait later. Many blessings to you!

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New User

Reged: 06/03/05
Posts: 13
Loc: Florida
Re: Disclosure new
      #269207 - 11/24/12 06:31 PM

Hi, I agree with BrianM if he hasn't responded yet he won't. I'm pretty much in the same situation. When I was diagnosed I was with my boyfriend who later became my husband. He's negative and accepted me from the beginning, but that's because he already had feelings for me plus he had a friend how died of aids so he had experience with it. Now, 13 yrs later I divorced and am back at dating. Is all about trial and error to see what works for you. I think that you should have waited to tell him in person text is just too impersonal plus they deserve better. Also, wait at least 2 or 3 dates to see if he's the kind of person that could handle it also you could have the greatest chemistry via text/email but once you meet it could be a whole different story. So, next time wait and see how it works. I'm dating someone now, and I told him on our 3rd date mostly because he had stolen a kiss on the date before and on the 3rd the chemistry was overwhelming. So, I told him with a smile, I told him my story told him to ask me any questions. I also told him that he didn't have to make any decisions and to please be honest and not be afraid to hurt my feelings, that I would understand if he didn't want to take this any further. Luckily he's an educated man, and gave a french kiss before we left the place. It has been 3 months, we are still just dating. He's still processing, I think and he's going to get tested soon, so after that I think he'll be better. We have great sex but I think he's still a little hesitant. But only time will tell. So, we just need to be more patient than others.

Also, the best advice a teacher of mine gave me is that they are not rejecting you, they are rejecting the virus which doesn't define you. YOU are more than it and we deserve to be loved just like anyone else. You'll find someone just be patient, we are all in the same boat. Good luck!

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New User

Reged: 01/31/13
Posts: 2
Re: Disclosure new
      #270451 - 01/31/13 07:11 PM

I find there are somethings in life people don't want to be educated on simply because it is easier. If what you two feel for each other is real, he will become educated and realize you are still worthy to be loved and capable of giving love.

Living a Full Life

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Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1895
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Disclosure new
      #270463 - 02/01/13 12:15 AM

I can only say how I would handle this situation , and that is to just keep living your life as you normally do. If and when he is ready he knows where to find you. He knows where you stand now he just has to figure out for himself. Don't hut and lock your door but don't sit by the phone wringing your hands either. Just live and let live and if he comes to you wonderful , if he doesn' now maybe some other time for him.

Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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Reged: 08/18/06
Posts: 245
Loc: fort myers, florida
Re: Disclosure new
      #270536 - 02/06/13 05:14 PM

I have run through all the scenarios. I will tell you that the best thing to do is to be honest and forth coming. In my experience waiting until someone has a chance to get to "know" you often makes the other person feel duped and tricked. I have found that telling a person upfront will let you know right away if this is a person that wants to go to the next step. Do not let yourself start to fall for a person without telling them.

Here is something to think about, there are sites where you can meet other poz people. That is how I met my husband. There was no need for that uncomfortable chat and no concern about rejection.

Just my experience


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