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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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New User

Reged: 04/27/13
Posts: 17
Disclosing to parents!
      #272150 - 05/22/13 07:19 PM

Hey everyone, sorry it might be a long post! I hope you take 2 minutes and read it.
Okay so I was diagnosed positive on 30th or April. and confirmed. I have been waiting on my counts for 2 weeks after but then I get a phone call telling me I cannot get these tests processed cuz' I am a foreigner in a country where all money for AIDS related test and treatment is supplied by international organizations, and HIV incidence is very high so first priority is for native patients. with that known I need to go to my home country! and receive all the needed tests there. but, I have been talking with my parents and whenever I am talking with them I feel really bad, I CANNOT TELL THEM!
like I have been looking for ways on how to tell them, but I just could not find! I have 2 younger brothers that mom need to take care for, she is a teacher she works 6 days a week! i cannot tell her now! dad wont get it! I mean they will react in a very huge bad way! and I cannot live with this! I do not wanna be selfish! I mean yet not telling them is selfish as well! BUT I NEED HELP! what am I gonna do? should I run away somewhere!!!!!!! PLEASE I have had a very bad 10 days I have not used laptop at all, all i did was sleep and think! sleep and think! I did not find any thing that would resolve this issue! I am an arab my community is conservative, everything gets spread really fast in my village! and people there are premitive. they would look at me as the slutty whore I would not care to be honest but that would destroy my parents especially that I am, a verrrry well known guy for my resume studies and manners! I just cannot tell them! anyone can help with this please? I feel lost!

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Reged: 06/18/09
Posts: 323
Loc: Georgia
Re: Disclosing to parents! new
      #272151 - 05/22/13 07:55 PM

PLEASE read through this response before forming an opinion about me.

Run away! As quickly as far as you can!

I wouldn't normally give this advice to everyone. Until today I've never given it to anyone. But, you've got to think of yourself first. Then family. If you're not well how can you be anything but a burden to your family?

Now, let me explain why I told you to run.

Not everyone's world is the same. In a perfect world whenever something happened to us the family and friends would be there to support us or to cheer with us. In a perfect world we'd have free healthcare anywhere we went. Unfortunately, noone lives in a perfect world.

You need to do some reasearch and find a location in this world where you can go to get treatment. It may require your living there for years. If you're being treated well I don't imagine this to be a problem.

But, you need to get your own life under control before you go home to share your story with anyone else including family.

One of the most difficult questions to answer regarding HIV is when can a person disclose to their family? The answer is never the same for any two people. You are the best person to decide for yourself. You can't always predict how others will repsond to the news, but you can decide how you'll be able to handle their knowing.

Your home community is obviously small where everyone knows everyone else's business. (This happens across the world. It's nothing new or original.) This makes you very uncomfortable. You need to have a safe "out". A place to go to if telling them makes you too uncomfortable to be there with them.

What can you do to get ready to face family? Educate yourself! The biggest obstacle in the fight against HIV is a lack of education. The more you understand about this disease the more comfortable you'll be with yourself. The more comfortable your are with yourself the less anybody else's actions can affect you.

Unfortunately, you are always going to be the "slutty whore" in the eyes of those who refuse to educate themselves. All I can say about that is WELCOME TO THE CLUB! There are more of us then anyone wants to admit.

As for running "far away". That may be the next community over. It may be across the country. It may be a different country. You have to decide for yourself where to stop. Where you feel comfortable.

Whereever you go; whatever you do I wish you the best of luck. Be strong for yourself. Try to ignore what the little people around you are saying. You're not the first. You won't be the last. When you do get your life a little more settled remember what you went through and be there to offer asistance to others needing help.

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Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1895
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Disclosing to parents! new
      #272152 - 05/23/13 12:39 AM

Ok so lets look at the 2 issues here . First you speak of not being able to get your numbers. The fact that you know your status is a good thing but there are many folks that choose not to go one meds yet or even want to know their numbers. I know that isn't exacctly the case for you but the result is the same. I remember you were planing to come to the states, well once you come here then you can find your numbers and go from there.
Secondly you were concerned about how your parents would react if they found out. Well the only way they can find out is if you tell them . So then you got to ask yourself, Do you want to tell them for your sake or for their sake. It may just be the need to tell because your their child , but if doesn't help them why tell them, then it must be for your benifit. But you say you will feel bad making them feel bad. So where does that put you? Just don't tell them and use this network to express and understand more about this so called illness. I say so called cause I just view it as one of lifes situations. Girl go for your life plans , the rest that you can't control , don't worry about . The time will come when you'll be able to do more. Take one step at a time . Which step do you want and are able to do with a good out come? I sure hope you understand where I am coming from . Follow your dreams. of life. It's still there for you. Leave the rest for when the time is right. You'll know when it is but it doesn't sound like now is the time for the rest.

Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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New User

Reged: 05/25/13
Posts: 5
Re: Disclosing to parents! new
      #272181 - 05/25/13 01:57 PM

Everyone wants to curl up into a ball when they first find out. It's hard to open up about your health and other personal issues to anyone especially if you were brought up to keep those issues to yourself as I was.

I first was tested in 1991 after being an IDU between 1982 -1986. My friend who I shared needles with died of AIDS/pc pneumonia in 1986. I was is denial for years since I didn't feel sick, even after being retested again in 1993 when I found out I was also positive for hepititis C. I waited until I was in a bad place in life to inform my parents. They were supportive, allowed me to move back in when I was at my worst. If anything they were concerned/worried about my lack of seeking medical help and my continuous reckless behavior of abusing my body with my vises, drinking and drug use.

Even after I quit my vises after getting sick myself in 2000, hospitalized w/ pc pneumonia, I was affraid of telling anyone about my issue since back when I first got tested I told a friend about my being positive who had told others as expected. I took it as being betrayed but it was only out of concern for others. Those who knew asked me about it in person but I denied it and said I only said it to get away from those who shared my abusive behavior because I had quit... again!

I only wish I knew back then what I know today. We need to keep the focus on ourselves and do whatever it takes to live life without stressing out over it. Stress kills! Today I post health issues I have on facebook shared with the public. I didn't do this for attention/self-pity. I did it to stop the crazy behavor and stress I was creating by worrying what others would think and keeping it from being found out by gossip. I would go to doctors and pharmacies miles away in hope that no one would know me. Everyone has a right to their opinions, we can't control the way they think but I can try to educate them through my post and talking to them in person. I was always against gossip, bullies and ignorance so anyone who has a problem with my health status I wouldn't want to be around in the first place. I don't need the negativity in my life when I'm trying to be better then I was yesterday as a person.

In todays world it is becoming more and more accepted to be open about issues we have. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for my depression/anxiety for years now. I find that talking about my issues with others has made it easier on myself, like taking a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm on a med that helps me mentally. Like I said earier, I wish I knew what I know today years ago. I would've stuck with my mental health treatment and kept the focus on myself learning about my issues, trusting professionals to do the right thing and working as a team with them.

We are our worst enemy, we think the worst and create the stress in our lives. Keep the faith, things happen for a reason, never stop trusting in others and think positive. I would tell my parents if I was you, sooner then later. Today the meds are safe, not like when my friend died or when they were still in an experimental phase when i first was tested, so seek medical attention now. I was told that it was better in my case to have waited like I did. I started meds in 2000 and now I'm on a new cocktail that i started last late summer and I'm doing beter than I was ever doing as far as my T-cell/CD-4 count. Almost 700 in my last lab test. I was no higher then about half of that for years.

Some advice, no one knows your body better than you so don't hold back anything when seeing your doctors and see the specialist you need to see. Many clinics will try to take care of most issues but seeing a doctor who specializes in the issues you have is best. Seek the help you need mentally as well as physically. Talking to a professional helps. I see someone who specializes in psychosamatic medicine which is as follows.... Subspecialization in the diagnosis and treatment of psychiatric disorders and symptoms in complex medically ill patients. This subspecialty includes treatment of patients with acute or chronic medical, neurological, obstetrical or surgical illness in which psychiatric illness is affecting their medical care and/or quality of life such as HIV infection, organ transplantation, heart disease, renal failure, cancer, stroke, traumatic brain injury, high risk pregnancy and COPD, among others. Patients also may be those who have a psychiatric disorder that is the direct consequence of a primary medical condition, or somatoform disorder or psychological factors affecting a general medical condition. Psychiatrists specializing in Psychosomatic Medicine provide consultation-liaison service in general medical hospitals, attend on medical psychiatry inpatient units, and provide collaborative care in primary care and other outpatient settings.

Stop worrying about what others think or say. There'lll always be ignorant people, gossipers and bullies. You don't need them in your life so it's best to find out who they are if they're going to be a part of your life and ignor them.

Our soul purpose is to help each other

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New User

Reged: 03/10/13
Posts: 13
Re: Disclosing to parents! new
      #273374 - 08/10/13 05:18 PM

I felt the same way for many years as I was unable to disclose my status to my mother out of fear. Long story short, I finally told her and she couldn't have been more accepting and understanding. If your mother really loves you she will accept you for who you are no matter what. It might cause some anger and concern at first but hopefully unconditional love of her child will win out for you. Maybe you can wait until you feel it is absolutely necessary to tell her. Take your time and think it through. Good luck!

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