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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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New User

Reged: 10/07/12
Posts: 5
Loc: USA
almost a week.
      #267801 - 10/10/12 01:07 AM

so its almost been a week since i was told i was hiv poz things have got a little bit better as it finally starts to sink in. i went through all kinds of emotions i even had a hard time being alone. i was following family and friends around like a lost puppy and i would sneak into my best friends bed at night just so i could sleep, she didn't mind. well even though I'm back in my own bed I still having trouble and breaking down. i have guys texting me all the time asking me to hang out or why i have been ignoring them. i don't feel like i can talk to them right now and i sure as hell can't tell I'm poz (I've already contacted those at risk). I've only been talking to one guy now that has been helping me through this cause he has went through it as well. I'm comfortable with him. its impossible to get an appointment with an ID doc thats not 2 months away so my stress level has increased and my family and i have started calling out state docs. maybe I'm going a little over board but i feel like i need to be seen now. i want to get on meds asap and control this virus slowly destroying my system. i hate the fact that i feel so alone, ill never love or be loved again, and that nobody wants me. pretty sure I'm going insane with guilt.

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Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: almost a week. new
      #267816 - 10/10/12 04:17 AM

I know it's hard to believe but 2 months shouldn't make a difference as far as your health or outcomes. That said I totally understand the need to be proactive and getting the ball rolling now. It's anxiety producing to feel so out of control.

People when they feel out of control of something put an exaggerated urgency on whatever aspect they feel is out of their control. That said you need to realize that you never had control over the dr and their schedule. I personally think its ridiculous that you need to wait that long, but it's not something you or I have control over.

What you can do and something I found helpful personally is to sit down and make a list of what you can do to take control of the situation till you can see the dr. For example you can help your immune system by eating correctly, going to the gym, finding time to enjoy activities, writing a journal (believe it or not this has been shown in studies to help promote the immune system by reducing stress), and just remembering to breath.

It's not easy but every time you feel the anxiety coming on remind yourself that anxiety equals stress, stress damages the immune system. Then do an activity that is stress reducing.

Doing these things will help you feel like you are in control and will help you get things back to normal more quickly.

Also realize that everything you are experiencing feeling wise is perfectly normal and natural. A person finding out they have cancer goes through the same thing. Allow yourself to feel it, but try not to dwell in it. If you find that it's to much and you can't do anything but dwell on it (which is also a normal response) you can see a regular dr and tell them the anxiety you are having and how it's affecting you. They can prescribe you medication that can help reduce that. I would find it hard to believe you wouldn't be able to see a regular dr within a day or two for that.

I don't normally offer but you can also contact me privately if you'd like to vent.

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Reged: 04/02/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Milwaukee Wisconsin
Re: almost a week. new
      #267949 - 10/11/12 07:39 PM

You are not alone. All the feelings you have right now are normal. I started a blog the day I found out I had AIDS on January 7, 2009 and blog daily about what life has been like living with HIV. You can go all the way back to that day and read forward. If you need someone to talk to, email me. My link to the blog is below. Good luck and it does get better.


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New User

Reged: 04/11/12
Posts: 10
Re: almost a week. new
      #267957 - 10/12/12 02:07 AM

I definitely understand how you are feeling as I am newly diagnosed. I was diagnosed in December of 2011 and felt so much like you. I detached myself from the world (deleted my social media sites) and became very depressed.

In my opinion I believe the best way to make things better is to take care of yourself. I think it is imperative to ensure that you keep a support base attached. It was very hard for me to internalize all the fear, frustration, and thoughts in my mind. It was very helpful to have someone to talk to. I have partner so it was very easy to have the support; however, as time has gone on I have evaluated and decided who to disclose to (be very careful as people can be very deceiving hurt you). Just know that people do not need to know anything about you.. it is your business. I think the best thing to do is know that life keeps going and practice that by continuing your life (in a healthy way). Please do not feel alone me as well as many of positive people are more than willing to reach out to you and be your support structure. We know how it feels and know what you will go to.

I hope that you can find a care provider and hope the very best for you. Please contact me if you would like to talk. Also keep in touch . Take care


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New User

Reged: 10/23/12
Posts: 5
Re: almost a week. new
      #268542 - 10/24/12 07:39 AM

I found out a little over a month ago and went through the same feelings as you initially.

What you've got to remember is that life goes on, and it WILL go on for you. With all it's mundanities, boredoms, annoyances as before. A few days after I got back into household chores and it hit me that, even though something's may change, most of my life will carry on as normal.

Then I started to see the good things. How much I was loved by my friends, and how much I loved them back. I've been brought to tears more times because of how touched I was by the support and kindness of the people I've told than by the diagnosis itself. Suddenly I started seeing the good things in my life, what I've achieved, what I'm good at, what i do well. Seeing beauty all around me, I've spent hours staring at sunsets when I'd normally be couped up inside.

Then I started to see this not as a curse but as a spur. A second chance to be better in myself. The news could be much worse. Let's use this this as the kick to do charity work, help people and do those things I've put off forever.

I understand what you say about. It bring desired. I completely get that. I was lucky that I had a partner who stood by me and obviously does still desire me. If I didn't it would be harder, but I'd manage and so will you. Maybe your practises will change but that's a small price to pay.

Oh and I wrote a journal after a few days, that helps immensely.

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