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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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Trav
Member

Reged: 07/24/12
Posts: 34
Loc: CA, USA
Almost two months later
      #265966 - 08/29/12 11:56 AM

So I'm still trying to adjust to living with HIV and it's being more difficult than I thought.
I'm not a person who drinks but I've been wanting to drink lately. When I go to sleep I don't want to wake up caue I don't want to deal with another day. Yesterday I slept from 11 am to about 8am this morning.
I still haven't started my meds but I have Dr appt tomorrow and hopefully he'll let me know when I can start taking them.
My psychologist informed me that I won't be returning back to work so I'll be quitting my job sometime soon . My job is making more difficult dealing with this diagnosis. I have to take time for myself and learn how to manage this disease.
Some nights I feel like I shouldn't try to fight this disease and just let it take it's course.

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kicker
Veteran

Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: Almost two months later new
      #265970 - 08/29/12 02:15 PM

Kinda sounds like your psychologist should be doing a better job at helping you. Hopefully he has started you on antidepressants and is suggesting you speak to a therapist inbetween visits with him/her.

I total get the feeling though and can empathize; having dealt with depression myself and being positive, but you have to stop and ask yourself what good are you doing by wallowing in self pity? Hasn't helped the situation any has it?

Get up and do something even if it's something little like walking to the corner store to buy a candy bar for yourself. Then tomorrow do something else like going for a ride or renting a movie. Try to find some activity other than staring at walls. It may be uncomfortable at first but believe me when I say when it's over you will feel like you are taking steps in gaining normality back.

Set up a routine as well. And try to stick with it, but give yourself some leeway as to how strict it is. Simply saying you are gonna eat at certain times can bring a sense of well being.

Hopefully you will find some peace in doing those things and can regain what you perceive as lost.

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Trav
Member

Reged: 07/24/12
Posts: 34
Loc: CA, USA
Re: Almost two months later new
      #265982 - 08/29/12 07:11 PM

I'm not wallowing in self pity. I have attempted what you have suggested. I have walked to the store, I've tried reading and even playing games. I can't seem to focus on the activities I'm doing. I even try to engage in human interaction but I barely hear from people.

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kicker
Veteran

Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: Almost two months later new
      #265984 - 08/29/12 07:18 PM

Saying how you don't want to wake up or how you should just let the illness run its course is the definition of self pity. You've already given up before even trying. But I am not going to argue this with you.

Instead tell your dr how you feel and how hopeless you are. It sounds like that will be a better avenue for you to find the help you need right now.

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notinterested
Regular

Reged: 09/07/11
Posts: 127
Re: Almost two months later new
      #265987 - 08/29/12 11:06 PM

I think everyone deals with this in different ways. For me, thankfully I have overcome all the grief about HIV. It's taken a few years. I worry more about my finances, keeping my job, having money for retirement etc...I now think so little of HIV, I'm considering not disclosing to my new primary doctor since she's not treating me for HIV, I'm not really sure why I sure. I probably will eventually but not right away. I take it seriously but don't think that much about it. I think you will overcome this at some point, just don't be too hard on yourself. When I first found out I needed time off from work but just took a long vacation. Going back to work was difficult. I also remember people speaking to me but I couldn't hear them. I eventually got on the anti axiety medicine clonopin and that has helped me tremedously. I hope you find peace soon. I wish you happiness.

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iam1
Regular

Reged: 06/17/09
Posts: 174
Loc: Georgia
Re: Almost two months later new
      #265993 - 08/30/12 03:44 PM

<SLAP> "Snap out of it" - Cher "Moonstruck"

Have your pity party. Invite yourself but noone else, because noone else would bother to show up. Then refer back to the first line of this message and follow instructions.

Finished? Good, because you've got a lot of living to do!

What you say in your post is what many people feel, but it's so very wrong! Yes, you do have to take time for yourself. And, yes, you have to learn to manage the disease, but this is NOT a one-person endevour. Dealing with and managing HIV takes yourself as the star of the show. But, there are so many others around you. The supporting cast who usualy gets little to no recognition. When you go to the doctor it starts with the person who works the front desk. There will be more than one nurse with whom you interact. Probably a case manager if your new and just starting to get a grip on things. Then there's that person who reviews test results, prescribes needed meds, and will ask you questions - your co-star THE DOCTOR!

Quitting a job for whatever reason can be stressful. Especially when the termination wasn't preplanned. You suddenly have all that extra time (getting ready for work, going to and from work, working) available and nothing to do.

Find something to do.

Volunteer at a local homeless shelter/library/church. Follow other people's advice and get out and take a walk to the corner. Go around the corner and see what's there. You'd be surprised the number of people who have never bothered to get out and learn their neighborhood after having lived there for years. If you live in a larger metropolitan area go to a museum. The exhibits change regularly, so plan on going back. Go to a community theater. Go to a school concert.

You've lost your job. You haven't died. With proper treatment you won't die for many years. Contribute positively (no pun intended) to your society.

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DJones
Member

Reged: 04/02/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Milwaukee Wisconsin
Re: Almost two months later new
      #265994 - 08/30/12 04:49 PM

It took me months to finally get to a point I could walk through a grocery store. What you are feeling is normal. I never had panic attacks and had no idea what they were until I found out I had AIDS. Give yourself time. I still am not what I was, but I have come a long way. I started a blog the day I found out I was HIV and AIDS on January 7, 2009. You can read what i went through daily, very honestly. You will see you are not alone. The link is below this post. Feel free to contact me.

--------------------
http://daveslifelivingwithhiv.blogspot.com/

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Buzz1
New User

Reged: 08/10/12
Posts: 16
Re: Almost two months later new
      #266045 - 09/03/12 02:27 AM

Hi Trav,

I also just found out three weeks ago that I'm positive and I am struggling somewhat but overall very optimistic because there are so many great treatments for this. I know several people who have been positive for many, many years and have never been sick and they lead happy, healthy lives.

Please know that you will be ok and just give yourself the time you need. It will take some time but eventually you will be able to feel ok about your life again. Don't worry about how other people judge you for how you are dealing with this right now-everyone handles this news in their own way.

Just be patient with yourself and take one day at a time without getting preoccupied with what may or may not happen in the future.

One thing that helps me when I'm down: I make a list of all the things I'm grateful for, even simple things like chocolate and some dumb tv shows I like, as well as certain friends, etc. Give it a shot!

Much warmth and many smiles to you!



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heart
Member

Reged: 09/01/12
Posts: 41
Loc: united states
Re: Almost two months later new
      #266053 - 09/03/12 12:07 PM

Hi Trav,
I can understand the distress getting this HIV positive diagnosis. My husband was just diagnosed 2 weeks ago. I myself, must still get tested. You need to begin doing something that can be extremely proactive..take care of you. My husband and I cried in each others arms...and then I'm in let's get on with our living mode!! What I do know..is we dont know what tomorrow holds for any of us! There may be a total cure around the corner! What I do now at this moment determines the value of my life. I just recently lossed my mother..a difficult time..and no matter the confusion, disappointments I face now..from the results of a test, a virus, I will wake up and say..."Thank You, for life today Lord"..Talk to your dr....find a really good friend to share what you are going through...as I have just found recently..we are not alone...I didn't know much about HIV/AIds...afterall, I didn't think I was at high risk...now..I can research and at the very least...find an avenue to begin advocating for the millions of people suffering alone..maybe be part of saving one life...Perhaps the life of another unsuspecting wife....LET's Get Busy...with this LIFE..dont allow yourself to quit...I didn't choose this...neither has anyone else...but now...we must find a cause in our lives..Reach out...stay focused...and Live Loved!

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Trav
Member

Reged: 07/24/12
Posts: 34
Loc: CA, USA
Re: Almost two months later new
      #266535 - 09/13/12 01:08 PM

Thank you for responding. I am trying to be positive about it it is a little harder to stay positive but I'm trying and I also notice that I'm not happy with the quality of my life so I'm trying to change some things and hopefully that will help.

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Trav
Member

Reged: 07/24/12
Posts: 34
Loc: CA, USA
Re: Almost two months later new
      #266536 - 09/13/12 01:14 PM

Thank you for the reply, sorry I'm just now responding I'm trying to move on with my life and at the same time find something that will almost give me meaning cause since I tested positive I looked at my quality life and I'm not happy with it. So things o need to change.

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riverprincessModerator
Veteran

Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1823
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Almost two months later new
      #266538 - 09/13/12 02:42 PM

There is a saying " If you can't change the outside then change from inside yourself. Your still new to all this and the wounds of the mind are fresh. Go to a support group. You'll find alot of knowlege and actually SEE people living their life to the fullest. Just keep going forward soldier !

--------------------
Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

Edited by riverprincess (09/13/12 02:43 PM)

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