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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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Leonardo
Guru

Reged: 08/07/07
Posts: 233
Loc: New Jersey
I just tested positive and My partner tested neg
      #229203 - 08/07/07 05:46 PM

I just tested positive on Friday. I told my partner and took him for testing. He tested negative. We've been together 11 years and have always had unprotected sex. I feel so alone now. I want to die. I can't bear to think of my life with him continuing this way. I don't want to be in a mixed status relationship. He wants to stay and support me. I don't know what to do.

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sumbody
Member

Reged: 07/22/07
Posts: 12
Loc: California
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229207 - 08/07/07 07:14 PM

Leonardo,

I recently tested positive on 6/30/2007. I was dating a guy that is negative. I told him what had happened. His response was, "I don't care, I love you and I want to be with you." I didn't know how I felt about it. I felt scared and also like I didn't want to jeopardize him in any way. I have a therapist and spoke with my therapist about it. His advice was this...Allow the man to love you.

I think, if you are like me, you need support right now. You need to allow your man to love you. Yeah, it sucks for him, but I bet if you asked him he would tell you that losing you would suck way more. So, do the math here...you need support, and frankly so does he right now. If you allow him to be there for you now, it is possible that you will grow closer to each other. Do not be afraid. You will be okay. You didn't do this to him or to yourself on purpose, so work through the feelings of guilt and shame. If he has loved you for 11 years, you must be a good person that deserves love and support. I suggest you accept it. Maybe he can be your knight in shining armor now? Maybe you can be strong for both of you right now too? I am allowing my man to love me, and it is working out. I wish you the best, and there are a lot of people here on this site for you...including me.

--------------------
We are more than the sum of our cd4 totals and viral load counts.

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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229214 - 08/07/07 07:51 PM

the man i was with for 6 1/2 years tested negative, and i tested poz.... it was never an issue with him. we broke up a little while ago, remained in contact. but the reason we broke up had nothing to do with HIV. now, 10 months later... he wants to come back. let him love you. he's probably just as scared as you, he probably can't imagine his life without you, HIV or no HIV. i imagine on some level, maybe he feels bad he can't go thru this with you. just listen to your heart. it's always nice to know you have someone in your corner for you when you don't think you can do it alone.

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229215 - 08/07/07 08:47 PM

[quote] I can't bear to think of my life with him continuing this way. I don't want to be in a mixed status relationship. He wants to stay and support me. I don't know what to do. [/quote]

It's hiv man. It is NOT the end of LIVING!! Relax, get the facts.. You are in a very good position to have the love and support of a relationship... Trust me on this!

Keep talking about your feelings...

Eric

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Leonardo
Guru

Reged: 08/07/07
Posts: 233
Loc: New Jersey
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229230 - 08/08/07 01:02 PM

I can not deny that you and I seem to be in similar situations. I do love my partner and he does love me. And I know this is hard for him too. But ever time I look at him, I cry. Every time I see him, it is a reminder of how things used to be. I don't want to live with someone who has to fear me. I know we can practice safer sex but I also know that doing so does not necessarily ensure his safety. When I discuss my feelings with him, he breaks down and says that he does not want to live anymore if he has to live without me. I feel like I am in an impossible situation.

We always thought that whatever would happen to one of us would also happen to the other. I never imagined this could happen.

I know that it would help to have the support of another person, but I do not believe that he truly understands how I feel and I find it difficult to be in his company now. Every time I see him, I fall apart. I think that I am having a nervous breakdown.


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sumbody
Member

Reged: 07/22/07
Posts: 12
Loc: California
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229234 - 08/08/07 02:26 PM

Leonardo,

I don't think he has to fear you. He has to fear that you will, in this very difficult time, make some bad decisions that affect him. That is why he gets upset when you talk about leaving him.

You need to take some time. Try to remember that the way you are feeling right now is not the way you are going to feel forever. The hopelessness that you feel now fades after a while. The fear and guilt fade too. I know it because it happened to me too remember?

You are not going to hurt your lover. I can tell because you obviously care so much about him. So, please, do yourself a little favor, and don't make any big decisions while you are in this state of mind. It is really very devastating to learn you are HIV positive.

This helped me A LOT. I would get overwhelmed and cry for the whole day on and off. I learned that I could get through the day if I just took some deep breaths and did the simple things. If the dishes were dirty...I did the dishes. If the dog needed to be walked...I walked the dog, etc. Put your mind on the small things that you know you can do for now and that do not require you to make a change to your life as a whole. Do not try to solve all of your new challenges in one day and right now. It can wait until you are feeling more secure, and that day is coming. I think deciding that your lover can't be with you qualifies as a BIG decision. If you love him, and I know you do, then give yourself the time you need to make the right decision.

--------------------
We are more than the sum of our cd4 totals and viral load counts.

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Leonardo
Guru

Reged: 08/07/07
Posts: 233
Loc: New Jersey
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229247 - 08/08/07 07:23 PM

On the advice of a friend, I took a xanax (or two) this afternoon and it helped me to stop crying for a while. I still don't think that I want to live with someone who is hiv negative, but I am at least able to understand why I should hold off on making any big decisions about my life.

Crying is not going to change anything. I'm going to try to knock it off.


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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229255 - 08/08/07 09:13 PM

Leonardo...

"One thing about feelings, they change". They will change for you overtime, but you have to feel these feelings now. Dont mask them to much. You will have to face them eventually if you want to make it out of that "dark place". The love you have for your partner should carry you and not make you cry. Look forward and never back!! That goes for everything including your partner... My husband is hiv positive to and boy would I love to be in your shoes that only one of us is pos?? FUCK YES.. Double the fun...? No... Count your blessings, you have alot of them and you do not even realize it.... You keep refering to the sexual side of the relationship.. Well in most relationships that equates to about 10%. Remember the 90% is what sustains you and keeps you. Quit reading the wrong side of the page and move on to the positive side of all of this. You can find it.... You must find it..

Hugs,

Eric

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Leonardo
Guru

Reged: 08/07/07
Posts: 233
Loc: New Jersey
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229275 - 08/09/07 08:30 AM

I know you say sex is 10% of the deal, but there's more to why I am having difficulty with this. The reason that I went to the doctor in the first place is because I snore and have sleep apnea. This has forced us to sleep in separate rooms. I started this whole process expecting to fix the problem and bring us closer together. Instead, a new, worse problem has been identified, bringing us further apart.

I am angry, depressed, sad, and worst of all, I am jealous that he is negative. I feel horrible about myself. Having him "in my face" makes me feel so much worse.

I know I have to deal with these emotions. I just have not figured out how to do that yet.

Leonardo


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sumbody
Member

Reged: 07/22/07
Posts: 12
Loc: California
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229282 - 08/09/07 11:10 AM

I get it. I think it is normal to feel envious. Anyone would at first.

I didn't mean to imply that i knew anything about you or your relationship. You just sound upset and usually that isn't the best time to make big decisions.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. As for me, I am doing it day by day, and it has been getting steadily easier for me to handle and accept. I wish the same for you.



--------------------
We are more than the sum of our cd4 totals and viral load counts.

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229296 - 08/09/07 08:38 PM

Sumbody makes a good point...

DO NOT MAKE ANY CHANGES IN THE FIRST YEAR OF DIAGNOSIS..

You gota get use to this new stuff regarding hiv.. You dont need to add anymore to that little list...

Eric

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Leonardo
Guru

Reged: 08/07/07
Posts: 233
Loc: New Jersey
Re: I just tested positive and My partner tested neg new
      #229380 - 08/12/07 10:00 PM

I had to write and tell you that I think I'm past my hysterical stage. While I give most of the credit for my progress to my partner, who deserves a medal for putting up with the past week's drama, I also wanted to express my gratitude to the guys who took the time to talk me through the roughest points. I hope that I can do the same for someone else in the future.

Last night, my partner and I went to a Pat Benatar/Neil Gerardi concert at Six Flags Great Adventure. The weather was perfect and my partner was the perfect company (as usual). At the end of the concert, Neil reminded the audience to "live each day as if it was your last."which struck me funny because I had said those words to myself before we left the house.

I have my first appointment with my HIV doctor tomorrow. I'm going to do everything I can to fight and be here for many more adventures with my bf.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


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