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HIV Life >> Relationships and Dating

Pages: 1
rowusa1
Newbie

Reged: 01/26/12
Posts: 3
Loc: New Haven, CT
condoms
      #274350 - 11/09/13 06:03 PM

Hi, curious as to how other people in similar relationships have gotten through this. I am HIV poz and my bf of 3 years is negative. I really dislike using condoms because I feel it lessens the connection with him because of the barrier. In the past, before I became poz, I used getting tested together as a means to bring the relationship to the next level by be able to stop using condoms and therefore feel more intimate. Because of this, I have put up a "wall" in my head and it is hindering the development of my current relationship. How have others dealt with this? I really appreciate any insight. Thanks


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anotherday
Moderator

Reged: 05/15/13
Posts: 419
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Re: condoms new
      #274363 - 11/11/13 12:44 PM

Well the discussion first lies with your bf and you, if he is comfortable with the risk and you are "undetectable" then that is of your own making. Being undetectable though only means your VL is at an extreme low level in your body but does not mean there is zero risk.

Being HIV+ comes with a lot of responsibility on your part, you have to be considerate of your partner at all times. If you love him, don't put him at risk, talk it over about how you feel and just remember how you felt when you first found out you were positive. Was the non-condom intimate feeling worth it (assuming that is how you came to be positive), he might not want that as part of him.

He loves you, for you, HIV or not ... enjoy that aspect of your relationship and forget the condom issue. Protect him, love him and get on with it. You could talk to a therapist to try and break down that "wall" but I think you just have to re-adapt your thinking now that you are positive and know that you have a new "normal" that you have to follow.



--------------------
anotherday ... in paradise!
daily ponder ... be the reason someone smiles today!

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Angel_Ronnie
Guru

Reged: 06/01/06
Posts: 256
Loc: Gauteng, South Africa
Re: condoms new
      #274378 - 11/14/13 05:35 AM

I have to agree with anotherday, if you really care and love your partner condoms should be the first thing on a shopping list.

My partner and I are heading for our 5 years together and yes I am positive he is negative and i will do anything in my power to keep him safe from dealing with the issues that comes with hiv. Respect him enough to protect him and yourself at all times.



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"Live for today, because what you do today is what you use to make your future"

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RayW
Newbie

Reged: 12/10/08
Posts: 4
Re: condoms new
      #274380 - 11/14/13 03:27 PM

I don't think it's simple. You didn't create that block all on your own. Condoms do reduce intimacy. That needs to be admitted and accepted up front. Risk of transmission if you're undetectable (and don't have an STI) is very, very, very, low. It might be a risk worth taking if it brings connection and intimacy back into your relationship.

Edited by RayW (11/14/13 03:29 PM)

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1hotjamie4u
Newbie

Reged: 11/28/12
Posts: 3
Re: condoms new
      #274382 - 11/14/13 09:22 PM

I think you are facing two different issues:

1. With an undetectable viral load, you, especially as the 'active' partner, are capable of passing on the virus to your partner. The risk may be low or it may not, depending on many factors, including adherence to medication, presence of STIs, whether or not you have an 'open' relationship, etc. Remember that the test measures viral load in the blood, not semen, which is thought to be higher. So in terms of closeness to your partner, I'm sure it would do a lot of damage to your relationship if you infected him with the virus.

2. The second issue is that you see a condom as a "barrier" and you say you have a wall or mental block in your brain. I think you and your partner need to deal with this, possibly with the help of a counsellor. I personally have always used condoms with my partner of 16 years and they help us to stay close ... we make it fun by playing with them and putting them on together. So they don't need to be a barrier, but you have created this issue in your mind and I hope you can deal with it.

I hope that helps.

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anotherday
Moderator

Reged: 05/15/13
Posts: 419
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Re: condoms new
      #274390 - 11/15/13 09:37 PM

First and foremost condoms do not reduce intimacy. Intamacy is the feelings brought on emotionally and physically between two people, has nothing to do with a slight "barrier" like a condom. If you feel no intimacy because of a condom, I would assess the relationship first then, and from there assess your own thinking.

Our poster claims he has created a "wall" in his thinking, which is just that ... an insecurity he has created. Has nothing to do with a condom.

It is however attitudes like "it might be a risk worth taking if it brings connection and intimacy back into your relationship" ... that keeps the HIV virus multiplying and moving from person to person. People with HIV, as I mentioned in my earlier post, have a responsibility to protect people and stop passing it along. Finally that definition of undetectable being "very, very, very low risk" ... again as I have mentioned in the past ... Russian Roulette only has one bullet in one chamber, care to play!!!!

--------------------
anotherday ... in paradise!
daily ponder ... be the reason someone smiles today!

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Ron333
Newbie

Reged: 07/05/10
Posts: 2
Loc: France
Re: condoms new
      #274409 - 11/19/13 08:31 AM

Hi, I agree with you that skin to skin feels definitely better. Well, you have to discuss that with your boyfriend. If you've been undetectable for at least 6 months, and you don't miss doses, risk is practically non existent. Don't make your boyfriend feel he has to do "without" in order to ensure a long lasting relationship, he has to be enthusiastic about that.

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riverprincessModerator
Moderator

Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1738
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: condoms new
      #274416 - 11/20/13 09:24 AM

It is similar to the mind set that you took on with taking your meds. It's just something that you have to do for your health and well being. Well that condon is just something you have to use for your partners health and well being.
People misunderstand the meaning of being undetectable. A well iknown ID specialist put it this way, Let's say your having a dinner which has tainted chicken. You won't necessarily get sick from just eating a bite of it but eat enough of the chicken and you will make yourself sick. And for every individual you don't know how much they can consume before it makes an effect on the body. So would you be giving your partner just one part of the detectable vl in what is labled undetectable or are you giving enough of a build up in his system to totally infect him.

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Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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DJlavis
Newbie

Reged: 06/08/13
Posts: 9
Re: condoms new
      #274440 - 12/04/13 10:50 PM

I agree with annie, Condom does not decrease the intimacy, the most important thing is to protect your partner from be positive.

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EDUCATE Yourself. Don't let yourself get down and always keep moving. We have to stick together.

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PozInAmarillo
Member

Reged: 07/29/14
Posts: 59
Loc: Texas
Re: condoms new
      #277406 - 07/29/14 07:48 PM

It is now well established that if you are undetectable you pose very little (the latest studies say no) risk to your partner. For an added level of safety you might want to consider Prep using Truvada.

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Nobody can give you HIV. You have to take it.

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