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Info411
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M2F: Safe Sex
#260408 - 01/19/12 10:31 PM
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I can't help myself.
I have met my dream woman. I am skipping the detail to get to the nitty gritty.
I have been UD since I went on meds, 10 years ago, and it has been a wild ride, dating. I am sure everyone has amazing stories. I could write a book.
Situation: Met a lovely girl from my past. She does not know my status. Please, I am not the ONLY one, not to say, "Hey darlin', guess what I have..."
We are having oral and vaginal sex. She travels in to see me. We just got together. She is moving to my city. We are both adults and well educated.
I work with my doctor and research medical clinic. This has all happened so
fast, that I have been on a roller coaster. I can't believe it is happening.
I fear disclosure.
I know it ethical and legal to do so...
If I use latex at our age, she will wonder why...(she is in the medical field)
The best I can do right now since my mind is mush AND I am in love
is not to cum inside of her.
I know, please... all the ramifications. (excuse the pun)
I am not going to freak out. I am lucky to have her and we are both in love.
The last thing I want is a lecture telling me to just "tell her."
I am one of the silent majority (and I am not the only one) that can't seem
to come up to the admission factor.
Since I dated many HIV women since I was diagnosed, as well as HIV Negative women, where I did explain the situation...I was surprised that many
women dated men, and DID not disclose, or they told me of scenarios where they DID NOT use condoms, made out like sex rabbits, and there was no cross-infection.
I realize how microbes and HIV can be transmitted. And I may say, it is easy for someone to pontificate when they ARE not in an EMOTIONAL situation like I am....
I have a good HIV specialist, at a major city clinic for HIV-and it WILL come up...but in the mean time, the relationship is on such "thin ice", as it is...to roll the Disclosure Bullet now seems totally impossible.
The reason I am writing this, is to see if there are others in the same situation as me, that care to share their feelings and experiences.
I know the science. We have committed ourselves. But let me say again,
this is very thin ice. I have had a few hundred relationships and have put myself in self imposed exile to NOT be with anyone. Then in almost the depths of madness, and a lonely future...I find the One I Can Stay Faithful To And Plan A Life with...but the passion which is a big part of it, is coming before the medical responsibility.
We have been together when she flies into see me (until she moves here) for a few trips of several days.
In the meantime, I am attempting to get help from my medical professionals, who have been my long term caregivers. I am healthy and overall in pretty good shape for an guy who can remember' Leave It To Beaver', on black & white, TV sets.
Thank you for being sensitive. She calls me a "babe magnet." If only she knew...this Romeo, wants a happy ending.
PS
The safest thing- my mind can formulate in this stage, is to pull out, before I ejaculate.
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kicker
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So you are saying you want a loving lasting relationship with this woman and dont have enough respect for her not to base it on a lie and place her happiness and health second to yours. Sounds like a good start. (that last part was sarcasm)
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AIDS2HIV
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Legend
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how will you feel about her, should you infect her, or should you not, but now that you willfully exposed her without disclosing that, and she finds out then she presses charges??? Would you blame her for it???
even if she didnt choose legal action, lets say she left you, for trust reasons, and deceitfulness......would you blame HER?
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Info411
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I guess the replies so far have completely missed my point. I was looking for those who would admit and tell of certain stories. I suppose I am unique in this scenario. NOT.
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I don't think anyone is trying to say that you are unique and the only person who has not disclosed to a partner. I think they are just trying to help you realize that a love relationship cannot stand when there is an omission of this magnitude. Not only is it bad for the relationship, but if this is someone who you truly love, then you also respect them completely and would want them to know the truth so that they can decide for themselves what future they want with you.
If this woman loves you, the HIV would not make you unattractive to her. The dishonesty, however, would be quite devastating, and is not something that helps build a foundation on which a future can be built upon.
This woman that you love is changing her life to be with you. Relocating and changing jobs is not a small task. You should be honest with her about this. This is not a personal attack, or saying that you are the only one that has not disclosed to a potential life-partner. But, I have heard of others make this mistake and the results were hard for both parties (you can find them here on these forums). Don't make that same mistake.
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AIDS2HIV
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Legend
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bottom line, in todays society and governments...if you are in the USA, our opinions or stories dont matter when it comes to this topic....for YOUR OWN PERSONAL WELL BEING if you DONT disclose BEFORE exposing someone to it knowingly, YOU CAN and most likely will be charged with a felony and possibly imprisoned.
It's not a joking matter, or fairy tale, nor is it subject of a "story line"...it's a reality that you must face. sorry if its not what ya expect to hear, but it only takes one person to get authorities involved, then from that point your fate is at their mercy. if you do some research, most who dont disclose and get caught at it, are getting charges like attempted murder with intent, etc. i cant speak for the other countries, but in america every state has disclosure laws.... Good Luck!
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That's a very good point. The news stories related to this lately have definitely made it a hot topic.
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Info411
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My post turned into a Disclosure issue. I get it. Again the point was missed. I am asking what are the transmission rates for an UD guy having sex with a negative woman. There are studies on this. I am not referring to anal sex. I am aware of the risk. Yet I know people that do not use condoms, and have been lucky. I am not saying I would not use condoms, and there is no concrete answer-I am just looking for case histories, rather than preaching from the pulpit.
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Here is a link to an NIH study in polar heterosexual couples. Just because it takes the risks down significantly, doesn't mean that it's ok to not disclose. The study was to give help to polar/magnetic couples that were well aware of their status discrepancy and are trying to work out a way of having a near-normal life without being scared all the time.
http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/hiv_treatmentasprevention_hptn052_1667_20423.shtml
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AIDS2HIV
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Legend
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undetectable doesnt mean non existant nor doesnt mean you cant transmit it.... it only takes one replication to get through and infect... and in women, because of their plumbing being like a resevoir, and their soft tissue membranes being so thin, its easier for them to be infected on a one time exposure...
FYI... the reason I personally dont give statistics is because numbers are just a guess. they arent solid, valid thresholds...it's up to the individual's body, and the circumstances at that particular moment. unfortunately, no one can get inside the body to view whats happening & when....
in closing, you are essentially playing russian roulette with 2 lives, hers & yours... while you may be willing to chance yours, she most likely wont be.
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bartleby
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we'll have an article up about this soon, but the most recent study, found HIV transmission occurred on average 1 out of every 900 sexual acts, based on numbers between heterosexual mixed-status couples in Africa.
the study did confirm previous data which suggests that lower viral loads reduce chances of transmission. however, the researchers and other experts stress that while the chances are lower, it's not zero.
as for disclosure, it's obviously your choice. but for your sake, if you don't want to disclose, which is absolutely fine, use condoms. if she is in the medical field, then she should not be suspicious and know it's meant to protect both of you.
and then if down the line you do disclose and she is accepting, then you can talk about the numbers and decide if she is willing to take the chances without condoms. although, in some states, HIV criminalization laws still apply regardless of consent. but that's a whole other can of worms.
--------------------
Bartleby at The Body
Bulletin Board Administrator
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Info411
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Thank you Bartleby for such a concise and direct reply. Once again, The Body.com interacts on the most sensitive issues with grace and intelligence.
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riverprincess
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Take this response from a womans point of view, if she cares for you like you say she does then after a brief shock she should still consider you to be her magnet. But the longer you prolong ,( I assume you are planning to eventually tell ) , well if it was me then I would be furious. It doesn't matter what the statistics say, for a relationship to be nurtured and grow there needs to be honesty. I'm not talking about little stretches of the truth where you pull out your box of crayons to shade things in acceptable hues, But this is a major thing where in spite of studies you could very likely be jepordizing her health, and irrevocably changing her life. Your walking on thin ice and digging a deep hole under it all. But hey I'm just a woman that believes if you care and love as you say then you would say. You can at least say you just found out if that helps.But again being a woman I will not be graceful about this and its not all about intellengence. You want to hear things sugar coated well go eat some m&m's . Your being wrong , very dangerously wrong. If you care , then care.
Edited by riverprincess (01/24/12 08:39 AM)
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I really agree.
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learner
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you got to be kiding me, pull out before u cum. tell me somthing how do u know u r about to cum, what do u think is happening to give u such a feeling? PRE CUM!!! Stop thinking about u Mr. well educated man. Stop being selfish. thats the bottem line your selfish and untrue, but yet u say you found someone to be faithful with; how oxymoronish can be... well since we dont have the balls to be real, how about u tell her that u have recently been tested and you have some bad news. hopefully if the damaged has not all ready been done, just maybe she still willl atleast have a chance.
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