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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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nelsonmom
Newbie

Reged: 03/04/14
Posts: 2
Loc: USA
What can I do?
      #275578 - 03/05/14 12:17 AM

I have studied this website for at least two years and this is my first post to the forums. Thank you for allowing me to be here.

My BF is pos and I am neg. He is my best friend and I was the first person he told immediately following his diagonsis.

Fast forward 2 and 1/2 years later, here we are. I left my husband and now live with my BF. I swear, this is not what I had planned, but it's how it has worked out.

My BF is healthy for the most part. His numbers are great. He takes his meds everyday. He can be so much fun when he wants to be, but for the most part, he is miserable. He can be moody, depressed and cynical. I can understand that it is hard for him and I tell him everyday that I am here for him. We have been through so much together, but his negativity is beginning to affect me and my attitude. I feel like he is trying to push me away because he would rather argue with me than smile at me. I just don't know what I can do for him. I ask him, but he turns me away. Any input or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

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riverprincessModerator
Moderator

Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1812
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: What can I do? new
      #275587 - 03/05/14 09:32 AM

My heart goes out to both of you for two different reasons. First it sounds like you bf hasn't totally come to erms with understanding about living with Hiv. His mood swings can be due to his medications. Are you able to go with him to his dr appts? Some sort of anti depressant or anti anxiety meds may be needed.And as for you, your not the first neg woman that has been experiencing this. You also need to understand about the meds and their side effects moreso than his numbers. Again if you could sit in with his dr appts that would help you. Also do you both go to any support group? I am trying to put together an on line support group here. One other thing for you dear is that I want you to reach out to Heart in this site. Or you can leave her a message at the Motivated for Mankind@weebly.com. This is an on line chat room geared for those dealing with Hiv. Whether your the one infected or not. Heart has been living with an identical situation as you. Please pm me sowe can talk better about this.

--------------------
Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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anotherday
Moderator

Reged: 05/15/13
Posts: 488
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Re: What can I do? new
      #275625 - 03/08/14 01:08 PM

Well nelsonmom, first you need to stop and think about yourself. You can only help those that want to be helped, and if your concerned about your relationship based on the foundation of making him happy, that's not a strong foundation!

Being HIV+ tends to give a rollercoaster ride of emotions for people, others it's just something you have. Your bf sounds like he has yet to "accept" it into his life, and there is no amount of "what can I do" stuff that you can offer to him. So in turn, live your life, make your happy ... once he sees the direction your going maybe then he will get up off his sorry butt and start living with you!

One can wallow in self-pity all they want when they have HIV (or anything really), "oh woe is me" the clock chimes ... well, no, you are the master of your own life and when you make that change, be it good or bad, then what you give to the world, the world will give back to you!

I'm reading this in your post, forgive me if I am reading it wrong, but you got into the relationship and started becoming more his "live in nurse and entertainment coordinator", that needs to stop! You can give and give and give but until a person wants to receive, it's a waste of energy and what have you done for your life, or in that matter for the world around you!

Sometimes the best love is tough love, and if he doesn't want to be a part of you, why should you be absorbing all his negative energy?

Stop by your local mirror sometime today, make a change to the person looking back at you, promise that person that you will start caring for them, then when that person gets their "shine on" then let that penetrate any negative auras that are trying to bring it harm.

I hear it all the time from people "oh I love him", "we have so much invested with each other", "I can't live without him", "I know if I just try a little harder" ... no, let the change start with you and if he wants to be a part of the ride, then he has to do some serious catching up.

If he wants to wallow in a mud-hole of despair, that's his thing, does not mean you have to dive right in with him!

--------------------
anotherday ... in paradise!
daily ponder ... be the reason someone smiles today!

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nelsonmom
Newbie

Reged: 03/04/14
Posts: 2
Loc: USA
Re: What can I do? new
      #275694 - 03/15/14 10:24 PM

Thank you very much for your reply. It is a rollercoaster ride, to say the least. We did have a conversation last weekend about his medication for anxiety. I know he cares, but this medicine makes him not care. I think just having him realize that he needs to work with his meds has been a step in the right direction. The last week has been decent and I don't have any complaints. Thanks again for lending an ear.

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riverprincessModerator
Moderator

Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1812
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: What can I do? new
      #275713 - 03/17/14 10:58 AM

Know that we're here anytime for both you and your gentleman. Again I will stress the importance of reaching out to a support group of some sort. The more one hears others stories and shares the stronger one becomes.

--------------------
Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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Realone
Newbie

Reged: 03/18/14
Posts: 1
Re: What can I do? new
      #275740 - 03/19/14 12:34 AM

My 55 year old, A symptomatic, HIV+, partner has been depressed for over 6 years. He is not capable of doing anything except sitting, reading and viewing hobby articles on his computer. He is definitely a loner, not interested in sex, or emails, so, he just researches very specific job related, hobby topics online, until time for bed. In the morning he gets up and continues the same thing. Never a word spoken, unless the phone rings. He lives on coffee and tacos, which he depends on me to provide. He never looks up from his computer to talk to me, or anything. When it is time for work, he rushes to his hobby job, goes to lunch, comes home and back on the computer, with never a thought or care of anything else going on around him. I make tacos, he eats them while I talk to him, he listens, sometimes making eye contact, shrugs his shoulders, when a response is required. (We have never had a conversation.) He then goes back to the computer until time for bed. I go to the doctor with him, he complains of other pain issues that are undiagnosed. He is very jealous of my life, as I'm on HIV disability, and feels that I have no compassion for him....at all. I don't expect anything to change. If I wasn't content with my life, I would have to leave. I've lots of friends, I love my life, except that I feel very alone attending social affairs by myself. I am thrice widowed, and have known two "perfect" relationships with never any conflict. I am celebate also. You are not alone.

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riverprincessModerator
Moderator

Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1812
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: What can I do? new
      #275748 - 03/19/14 09:17 AM

Is it that your content or just willing to accept. I'm not here to stir up anyones pandoras box. But you did say you'd like to have someone to go to events with you. Have you ever considered anti depressants for your partner? Since he isn't really happy with how things are he could possibly try then and see how it goes. Do you sit in with him when he talks to his dr? Speak up for the sake of both of you. But if your truly content then there is nothing to do.

--------------------
Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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jamieharris
Newbie

Reged: 06/04/14
Posts: 7
Re: What can I do? new
      #276513 - 06/05/14 10:49 AM

Sorry to hear that. Hope it gets better soon.

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