Advertisement
The Body: The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
Follow Us Follow Us on Facebook Follow Us on Twitter Download Our App
Professionals >> Visit The Body PROThe Body en Espanol
Read Now: TheBodyPRO.com Covers AIDS 2014

Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

Pages: 1
Rboss
Newbie

Reged: 06/14/10
Posts: 3
My son is HIV positive.
      #273472 - 08/15/13 11:38 PM

My son has been HIV positive since 2007. before his diagnosis, he got good grades, and worked. It seems as though his life has stopped. Since then he has dropped out of college twice and quit two jobs. He says he is always tired and that school is not for everyone but has energy to smoke pot and hang out on social dates with many different men and on the phone. I tell him often if he focused more on his health, a career, a training program, a job, the way he does his weed habit and boys, perhaps he can invest in a life that will invest in him. I do not know what is going on with him and I cant seem to reach him. He is 26 years old and at times, he cries and says "Mom I am almost 30 and I have nothing to show for my life" when I give him advice, he doesnt take it. I do not know how to help him. I am frustrated. He recently started seeing a therapist but I do not understand why he does not want to do anything with his life but smoke weed and go on dates with boys/men. Help!!

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
anotherday
Moderator

Reged: 05/15/13
Posts: 369
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Re: My son is HIV positive. new
      #273474 - 08/16/13 12:35 AM

Hey Rboss,

There is a few questions I have first regarding your son ... first where does he live, how does he pay his bills, buy pot, go on dates ... he must have some source of income. He needs to be dealt some serious responsibility and from there he might just come to his reality that he has nothing.

When a child is ill, even HIV, it is possible that we as parents tend to enable the bad habits out of sorrow for their situation, it might just require some tough love, but 26 and still living like an 18 year old ... he needs to grow up and face the real world. He has HIV not a big deal, if he's on meds it should be fine. Sure he'll have tired days, that's a normal with HIV, but he needs to just get on with living.

You can give advice, but until he accepts some responsibility, the advice is just in one ear and out the other. If he's using HIV as his excuse for his life, he's playing a game!

Sorry for being so blunt but I am a father of 4 kids, 16-36, and sometimes it was hard to instill that tough love program, but it did good for them!

If you ever want to chat in private, hit me up, we can share some notes!!!

--------------------
anotherday ... in paradise!
daily ponder ... be the reason someone smiles today!

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Rboss
Newbie

Reged: 06/14/10
Posts: 3
Re: My son is HIV positive. new
      #273478 - 08/16/13 08:43 AM

Thank you for replying, Anotherday;
I would like to chat in private but am afraid I do not know how to do that. I came on this website because I used to go to therapy behind his illness; I was so worried about him but because I am so busy, I no longer have the luxury of my time to sit down with a therapist anymore. As far as your response, I guess deep down I knew you were right because I feel the same way, I am a diabetic, I have to take meds everyday, my best friend has high blood pressure and she does the same but we both work, went to school, got degrees and life goes on. I tell him HIV is like any other illness where people have to take care of themselves, take meds and life will go on...it is what we make of it. My son gets government subsidies, his rent is paid, and he gets food stamps and medical coverage.. The money is really not enough for anyone to live on and he has to pay his light, gas, and cell phone bill monthly out of it. I usually subsidize what he cant do and I am tired of it. You are not being blunt, anotherday, so please don't be sorry; I appreciate your candor but because, he often tells me, I don't know what its like to live with this horrible disease and how I will never know how it feels to be gay and poz; I give in to his demands and needs. . I counteract by saying he will never know what its like to be a diabetic but as your mom, I still have to push, work, and live my best possible life. I guess I just wanted someone to talk to, to solidify what I already knew...I have to do the hard work as well which means cutting off my financial support and stop having so much guilt about it. This month I did nothing, his lights are now off, his cable is off and his cell phone is off. I refused to pay it and told him that those things will get back on, once he turns them on. He can find some type of work, he told me through the GMHC(Gay Mens Health Crisis) and other programs that are available in the area but he just wont do a damn thing!! Says he has no money...I say well if you have money for pot...you have carfare to go and see about doing something with your life!!! He has been on my couch for the past month and only goes home, to check mail and have a date or two! I tell him if he can go on dates, he can find a damn job!! He angrily says, you think I like living on your couch, ma?!! I said you must because you refuse to go home and handle your life!! Its like we are both stuck in the tension filled angry cycle of apologizing to one another and then more arguments and I do not know what to do!! I don't want to put him out...he really doesn't bother me...or taking up space..we often watch movies and cook together!! .I just want him to get it together, not for me but for himself! I know he will feel so much better about himself, if he does something!!

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
anotherday
Moderator

Reged: 05/15/13
Posts: 369
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Re: My son is HIV positive. new
      #273480 - 08/16/13 06:57 PM

Oh Rboss, you have a situation on your hands, a challenge, a very difficult challenge when one has to be tough on a child. He needs you to be tough, to make him grow up and have responsibility!

The free for all needs to end immediatly, your couch is yours, tell him he needs to go to his own place ... he can come and visit, but no staying over just because! You have made a great move already by stopping some of the funding, stop all of it! This boy is getting gov't funding, food stamps, med coverage, rent is paid for ... he's not just playing you, he's playing the system!

HIV is not that big of a deal, being a diabetic is alot worse than HIV ... trust me! If he is on HIV meds and following that properly, HIV is a walk in the park. As for the being gay thing, how can that be an issue ... it's not like 30 years ago when gay could get you beaten or killed, gay is so mainstream now, everybody wants to be gay! He is using all of that as excuses!

To be honest when he says "I don't like living on your couch" he actually means he really does, I mean no bills to worry about, mom will take care of that, food to buy, mom will cook, laundry, mom will do that ...! He is bothering you, otherwise you would have never come on here and let us know the situation. Wouldn't it be more fun if he came to visit for a dinner and movie night that was enjoyed instead of through the tension of him living on your couch and spending all your money, because he is too irresponsible to get a life!

You have started to put your foot down, keep it firmly planted. Yes it will hurt, you will cry, he will be angry ... but when reality sets in he will be a much better man for it and your relationship with him will blossom in a whole other direction!

If you want to chat in private just click on my name below and follow the prompts to "send a private message" when my profile opens! Good luck!

--------------------
anotherday ... in paradise!
daily ponder ... be the reason someone smiles today!

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1


What's New at TheBody.com

Additional Information
0 registered and 1 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  TheBody, bogart, crabman, riverprincess 

Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 1606

 
Jump to

Contact Us | Privacy Statement The Body

*
UBB.threads™ 6.2.3

Advertisement