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Reged: 02/28/13
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My Husband has HIV and never told me, now what?
      #270881 - 02/28/13 08:12 PM

I am hoping for some advice or thoughts, something.
I am a gay man and recently married my partner of 5 years. I could not have been happier. We just returned from our marriage/honeymoon and we have been trying to get back to day to day life.
Two days ago he recieved a letter from the health department asking him to call. I just knew what the letter was. So I asked him if he had anything to tell me etc. He said no. I asked him if he was HIV+ and he said "I don't know". I kept asking him and he finally said yes I am.

I also know that if this letter never came he would never have told me.

He has been HIV+ for about 8 years now and has never sought treatment at all and for all intensive purposes seems healthy.

I have now found out that some of his friends and family know about his status but they figured he told me.

He said he was afraid to tell me, then fell in love with me and it all seemed to "get away from him".

I immediately took a rapid HIV test, which came back negative.

I am now in a place where I feel lost. He is my heart. He has become everything to me. I have been trying to imagine my life without him and it seems impossible. I cannot imagine being in a world where we are not together and I am wondering how he is. If he is sad? If he is scared? If he is alone?

I also do not know how to move forward with him as he deceived me completely. He endangered my life. He took the choice out of my hands.

If I try to stay with him I am accepting the responsibilities that come along with his status. I know it sounds selfish but I have only had two days to even grasp this.

I also feel so sad for him, that this has happened to him and that he is now dealing with it or not dealing with it really.

He is pretty closed off so discussing this has been arduous at best. I have repeatedly watched our wedding video and just cry.

I just feel lost. I feel broken.

Does anyone have anything similiar they could share and how they moved forward?

thanks for listening

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Reged: 02/19/13
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Re: My Husband has HIV and never told me, now what? new
      #270900 - 03/01/13 05:28 AM

Hello "hurtingheart",
I'm so sorry to hear of your delima. I can only imagine how hurt and confused you are right now. My husband is HIV+ as well. We just found out the end of January. So far I am negative. Like yourself, I love my husband dearly and till this day I couldn't imagine leaving him...especially now.

However, I wonder how I would feel if he did not tell me right away. I would probably be very angry and question his love for me. Because, when you love someone you try to protect them. The problem here is not that he is HIV+, but that he exposed you for so many years and like you said, took the choice out of your hands.

I am not type to give advice on whether one should leave or stay with their spouse...but I would definitely say get counceling at the least. It is reasonable to believe that he was just that afraid of how you would react and potentialy losing you that he made the wrong decision to not inform you. He obviously hasn't completly delt with his diagnosis and you could probably use the third party to help you work through this to figure out what is best for you. Good luck to the both of you.

Edited by Danigirl (03/01/13 05:30 AM)

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Re: My Husband has HIV and never told me, now what? new
      #270922 - 03/02/13 04:01 PM

Thank you for your response.

I agree with the counseling, it is necessary.

May I ask how you are both fairing currently? I am afreaid I will never be able to get this "out of my mind" and return to life as usual, if you know what I mean?



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Re: My Husband has HIV and never told me, now what? new
      #271914 - 05/03/13 09:00 AM

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It must hurt, knowing he has kept this a secret for so long and although I think that of course he should have told you, I can also see how he could have been waiting for the right time and then that time just didn't come. I'm sure he didn't set out to deliberately lie, sometimes you put something off, especially if things are going really well and you're really happy. You kind of get carried away in your own lie, it's nice having a part of your life where that horrible thing (whatever it is) doesn't exist.
Not sure this is much help and hopefully by now things have calmed down slightly. But I just wanted to put another point of view.
Good luck to both of you.

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Reged: 12/26/13
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Re: My Husband has HIV and never told me, now what? new
      #274570 - 12/26/13 10:27 PM

I see you posted your story on here back in may and forgive me I am new to this site but after reading your story I felt I needed to respond. My husband is HIV+. He was for many years before we met. He knew he was + and did not tell me until one day the condom broke and he begged me to go to the hospital for emergency prevenative treatment. At that point he still tried to keep it from me but he could no longer hide the fact. When I found out the truth I was devastated. How could he keep that from me. How could he lie to me. How could he risk my life if he cared at all for me. I was so hurt that all I could do was fall apart. He begged me to keep taking the medicine and he would tell me " even if you hate me for not telling you please let me be here for you through this until you know if you have contracted the disease". At first when i found out I could not think straight. The only thing I could think was that I was going to die. I have children from a previous marriage and all I could think was that this man hurt me in the worst kind of way. He hurt my children because if I were infected that disease would take me away from them. How Could he do this to me....repeated in my mind over and over. Then one day I broke day to a lady that I work with. She is a very religious woman that I knew I could trust. Her words to me changed my outlook.

She said: Imagine how you felt when you went to that hospital... you felt embarrised, ashamed, and the nurses made you feel as if you needed to be in a contamination bag. He feels that way every day. He felt that if he told me I would look at him that way as well. He thought that I would never love him if he told me.

Now with that said my husband never completed the act inside of me (hate to be so blunt but we are all adults here) until the day the condom broke. He did take the choice away from me because by the time I found out that he was positive I had already fallen in love with him.
I went to the doctor for several months to be tested and by the grace of god I was negative. You asked if the thoughts ever go away, mine did. After seeing it from his eyes and realizing what he was feeling I did not feelt he anger I once felt. Some days I don't think of it at all. Now I will tell you this has been hard. Some days we are a normal every day couple but then there are days when I am so scared for us to be intimate because I am always terrified that the condom won't work. I am afraid he will get sick. I am afraid every time I go to the doctor to get checked. Some days I want to give up and be free from the fear but then I look at this man that made a mistake that he will pay for the rest of his life. He is loving and he tries so hard to be strong and I think it would break him if I left him. We are open with each other about our fears and concerns now and that helps. We have to be strong for one another. No one can tell you to stay or to go and noone can say what they would do in this situation if they have not been through it. I never understood until I walked a mile in these shoes. You have to really make the decision if you can handle the responsibility of your mates status and if you can handle the fear. Don't let another person influence your decision because as I heard it you never know what you will do with a gun pointed at your face until you are starring at the barrell. Good luck to you and I would really like to know how you have been the last few months.

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