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I love him, but will things ever be the same?
      #1026 - 03/31/00 03:59 AM

My partner is hiv+ and i am hiv-.After a 5 year
relationship(never did we practice safe sex)......he went to the
hospital for an illness.Later to find out that he is hiv+.I was
shocked to find out that i was negative.But reality is here and
now we are left to figure everything out.The hardest part is
being angry.I am not angry at him,but i am angry at this
disease.It has taken a part of him away from me.I made a
commitment 5 years ago and i intend on sticking by him,for love
and no other reason.I truely love this man but i am
hurt,angry,sad and i have so many things running through my mind
and i have no one to talk to.We have decided that only our
parents will know.A personal choice,but there are some things you
cannot talk to your parents about.Is this normal for just finding
out that he is positive ?Will things ever be the same ? How do
you deal with knowing that your partner is looking death in the
face ? I always had total control of my life until this.Now i
live for him.I want to make him happy.I could just keep
rambling........but i will stop.I just needed to vent.Living in
silence is so hard.Just one quick ote to
remember..........................You are loving a person,not a

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you sound overwhelmed new
      #1027 - 03/31/00 04:00 AM

Wow. You sound overwhelmed. Remember it's not only your partner
who is going through a difficult time. It is you. You survived
getting HIV and now you must struggle to be careful and still not
get infected! I didn't tell my parents for two years--until I
felt strong enough to deal with their hysteria. Remember it is
NOT a death sentence!! There are some great medications! Your
friend has to find a good HIV specialist! (NOT a regular doctor).
Read the stuff carefully on the web and be aggressive and alert
and your partner and you will survive! Call the treatment
hotlines and talk to them! Call the CDC and talk to them. With
HIV you gotta be aggressive! And remember to take care of
yourself as well as taking care of your partner!

Good luck! It would be great if you could keep in touch! Marissa

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Why do you say he is facing death? new
      #1028 - 03/31/00 04:01 AM

Hi Scared and angry,

Why do you say your husband is facing death. HIV is only a pissy
little virus that is quite easy to control if you take the right
medication. It is the most researched virus in Human history. It
makes us sort of special that so much has been done about this
virus. My wife and I are on meds and doing great, we are actually
having a baby soon. We are certainly not facing death. We are
facing a beautiful life.

Don't think so negative. Your partner if he is on meds will
probably outlive you.

You are welcome to email me and my wife.

All the best to you and your husband.


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I'm just trying to be realistic new
      #1031 - 03/31/00 04:03 AM

Dear Scared and Angry: I'm happy you wrote again - my partner is
HIV+ and I'm HIV-, and I've had difficulty finding others who are
in the same situation as us. Your reaction (angry and scared)
sounds normal to me. Maybe James only wanted to boost your
spirits, but I was really upset by his reply to your last
posting. HIV is not a pissy little disease that can be easily
controlled with drugs. I'm thankful that drugs are available (and
that they help), and I don't necessarily believe that HIV = AIDS
= death, but having HIV or loving someone who has HIV can be a
very scary thing at times. My partner and I really relate to what
you say regarding worrying about getting/transmitting it. The
feelings that have come up for us regarding HIV are very
confusing and complicated at times, but we are living through
this and it has opened up the lines of communication in some
ways. HIV is not easy, and it is not a "gift" but, rather, sort
of a constant "reality check". As with any other thing that can
be thrown into a relationship (and, there are probably many
things worse than HIV), you either learn from it and become more
honest with and closer to each other, or you are torn apart. I
guess James is correct in one way - HIV is a pissy little disease
if we are strong, sincere, honest, loving, and spiritual.
Unfortunately, my partner and I are only human, and it is hard
for us to be this way 100% of the time, therefore sometimes HIV
makes us feel scared and angry. My partner and I have tried to
use our situation to become closer to each's hard,
because the closer we get, the more I'm afraid of losing him. I'm
not thinking negatively - I'm just being realistic. I hope you
will write again. Yours, "S"

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there are many support groups new
      #1037 - 03/31/00 04:05 AM

"S" ....I know exactly what you mean when you say that it is hard
to find other couples in our shoes.In support groups in my
area,there aren't any hiv+ hiv- couples.I wish i had someone to
talk to that knows what i am feeling.Our families have tried to
support us,but they don't fully understand.We talk alot to each
other but even we have a hard time talking.We usually want to
talk about what ifs and that can get difficult.We are trying to
stop that cycle.We got some really good test results back and
know he is talking about maybe trying to go back to work
part-time.That is a big step for him.He had to step down from his
position because of this and he is afraid of doing his new
job.(he worked outdoors in winter)Hopefully this will make him
not think so much about hiv and let him realize that he is able
to still lead a normal life.....except for all is meds.Things may
start to get back to normal.If there is such a thing. scared and

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Re: there are many support groups new
      #1041 - 03/31/00 04:07 AM

dear S and Scared and Angry

my partner is positive too! Hey, we've got a network. It's nice to hear that there are other people out there. It's not something I can discuss with friends or family without them asking the ultimate question..."So, how IS he?" I just feel like killing them. The beginning was hard, but four years on, life is pretty good. It's not always easy, but I actually find myself forgetting about this pesky little dis-ease. I'd be interested in hearing your opinions on having babies. It's the one thing that makes me sad, even though there are

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scared and angry

It's not that I'm thinking negatively ... new
      #1047 - 03/31/00 04:09 AM

james, It's not that i am thinking negatively,i guess i am just
having alot going through my mind.Yes,i am very scared.Scared for
him and me.I want to stay neg,i wonder why this has happened,i
wonder if i can care for him properly when he is ill.I see him so
confused and in so much pain.It hurts me to see someone i love in
all this pain.I am scared for his daughter.I think that these are
common reactions to just finding out that he is positive.I am
angry.Angry because this has come into our lives.Things have
changed.He and i both have finally realized that we do have to
make changes.Our relationship has changed.But we are going to
make the changes and we will work through all of this.One thing
we do have is love.And love can conquer anything.He just is
having a bad reaction to the meds.But hopefully we will find a
combination that will be good for him.We have even started
talking about our future.Something we stopped talking about when
this came into our lives.So we are making progress. scared and

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New User

Reged: 04/19/00
Posts: 11
Loc: NY
Re: I love him, but will things ever be the same? new
      #3637 - 04/24/00 12:22 PM

I know how you feel. My partner and I were together for a year and a half before we found out that he was HIV-Positive, after my test came back Negative. We had not used "safer sex" prior to that except for a few times and situations (I won't draw a picture...), anyways, it has now been 10 years later, he is now full blown AIDS (medically speaking) and is waiting for disability(and waiting and waiting). I do not know why I have continued to test HIV-Negative, but yes I am and have been angry, in denial, bargaining, and back to anger (I think I've gone through all the stages at one time or another and repeated them several times.
There is hope, telling people that your partner is HIV-Positive is a decission that the two of you need to talk to, remember the choice is up to him, be there to support him, love him, and know that you have people you can talk to if you need to. I, myself, being a writer/poet have found that to be a great way of expressing myself and helkping to educate people, there are others ways as well, volunteering, getting involved in vaccine studies, getting informed/informing others, there is so much that we (the negative partners) can do. Just remember to love yourself, give yourself a big hug in the morning and give him a hug as well.
As for, will things ever be the same...., well, no, sometimes it's better, it's a hard road, I'm not going to lie about that, but remember the quality of love is more important than quantity, although many of us would give up almost anything to have a friend/love one back for just five minutes or just to hold them in our arms, again. Take care of yourself and good luck. We have been living with this in silence as well for the last ten years and now we are at the point of "going public" with his/our story, we don't know why, how (well, we know how, but not who), but we do not know how much time we have together, we are making the most of it.
Lots of LOVE and LIGHT

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