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Reged: 05/04/12
Posts: 7
Observation (tell me if you disagree)...
      #274227 - 10/14/13 08:31 AM

I had a realization last night lying in bed that those who are suicidal are not necessarily suffering from a mental illness. For me, I think about checking out because I am suffering with physical pain and fatigue. It affects my social life and career.

I say this because whenever you go to a therapist or some doctors they will ask you if you think about hurting yourself. Of course I'm thinking yes but I never tell them that because they would admit me to a hospital for PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION. They don't think to ask WHY.

Does anyone else think about checking out due to physical pain, fatigue, and it's associated side-effects?


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Reged: 11/22/11
Posts: 67
Re: Observation (tell me if you disagree)... new
      #274232 - 10/14/13 08:32 PM

I do know how you feel. I've felt that way many times. I also have fibromyalgia and that's extremely painful along with the pains that come along with the being positive. I just sometimes say how much can one person take. But then I say, the
pain let's me know I'm still alive and here to see another day.

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Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1895
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Observation (tell me if you disagree)... new
      #274233 - 10/14/13 11:37 PM

I do believe that many folk have had thoughts about what it would be like not to have to deal with lifes trial . I know I have on many occasions. But then I tell myself that this too shall pass. Plus I lean on my faith and have certain scriptures that I keep in my heart for those times. I would love to share them with you , if you want. Let me know.

Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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Reged: 05/15/13
Posts: 488
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Re: Observation (tell me if you disagree)... new
      #274235 - 10/16/13 03:24 AM

I would like to shed some light on this topic as I too had once troubling thoughts of suicide and just being finished with life. The key that southsam mentions is "mental illness", I always consider this to be the blanket diagnosis since mental issues are all closely related yet very different in each aspect.

As southsam mentioned it affects the social life and career, well that is a sign that the pain and fatigue is draining the mental capacity to actually enjoy those aspects. So it would be hard to define it as NOT being mental illness even though it is the mind that is pursuing the thoughts of "ending it all" because of some situation or ailment that is mentally challenging to deal with!

So of course mentioning this to a doctor or therapist they will give the blanket diagnosis in an effort to admit to further investigate the root of the feelings, since the feeling of physical pain is not what is triggering the suicidal thought but the mind! So the actual "psychological evaluation" will infact answer the question "why?" once they can determine the suicidal thoughts!

It does infact though take triggers to start the "check out" thoughts. I suffered from pain, fatigue, frustration and just plain llittle everyday things that kept triggering the thoughts of what would be the easiest way to deal with it all, checking out! I turned to alcohol to realign my thinking every day, the issues were still there upon sobering up slightly, I planned in detail ways to "check out", but the timing never came together. Mental illness ... okay maybe sounds a bit dramatic, but it is the easiest blanket description to use until the root of the issues are resolved!

anotherday ... in paradise!
daily ponder ... be the reason someone smiles today!

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Reged: 04/19/08
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Re: Observation (tell me if you disagree)... new
      #274253 - 10/18/13 10:39 AM

I too have been through all this. After 8 operations on joints from avascular necrosis; a craniotomy for an aneurysm on a artery in my brain; multiple hospital visits including a couple where I nearly died again - I sometimes think about checking out.

I have also been diagnosed with depression and I have told my doctor (who is an absolute gem) that if euthanasia was available to me I probably would have used it. It is living with the day to day never ending pain. Pain that I cannot sleep with. pain that impedes all my movements. I also have COPD; and several other major illnesses as well. He understands the sheer frustration of trying to stay alive when I am so ill. I probably will never go back to work; but I volunteer now and again when I can. I have to have various home services in to help me; and yet social security says I do not need a carer. My best friend spends 20+ hours a week doing things I need done and I could not manage without him.

I have said to several people; including my doctor; that I maintain the right to self delivery any time I choose. I could also just stop all medication accept pain relief and I know my body will begin shutting down very quickly.

It is not mental illness. I know what your going through as I go through much the same - it is very hard work just staying alive; for what? I feel for all the pain you go through and hope you can get appropriate pain relief. After over a dozen major hospitalizations; including surgeries; I know the feeling of just wanting all the bloody hard work & pain to end.

I would however suggest getting out in the sun with some friends; or going out and doing things YOU like. I will help improve the mood I think. And ask close friends for help - if they're true friends they will help. I'd also suggest contacting any local organisations in your area that deal with depression and have a talk to them - they may be able to suggest something. And sometimes a damn good cry into your pillow will help get most of the frustration out.

And know you're not alone in all this. Best wishes & hugs.

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Reged: 06/18/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Georgia
Re: Observation (tell me if you disagree)... new
      #274261 - 10/23/13 01:12 AM

WayneD is correct in that you SHOULD get out into the sun. It's been proven that sunlight helps a person to feel better both mentally and physically.

Another VERY important thing you have to do is talk with somebody. Not just sit down in an exam room and mention it. You probably need a good counselor you can sit down with and discuss what your pains are. I'd recommend your case manager at your HIV clinic to start with. You'll probably have to schedule a time to do it, but mental health can be as important as physical health. MAKE THE TIME FOR YOURSELF!!!

We're getting into gray areas. Many of us are still living with HIV for many years. We're the first. There are no studies to reference. We're it. The medical field is learning what some of the longterm survivor issues are from us. There are many studies ongoing trying to look into the field to find out how people with HIV are aging. It's starting to look like "gracefully" isn't at the top of the list.

I was talking with one of my case managers (a new lady to HIV care) last week and brought up the subject of suicide. I told her I'm not in the best of health. If I were to die suddenly I'd be comfortable with the feeling that I have lived a good life. But, I am in NO way ready to shuffle off this mortal coil. I want to stick around and give it good to people who I think need to be put into their place. I've got another 15 or 20 years minimum to go. Beware of me. I've got a brain, and I'm NOT afraid to use it!

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