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kicker
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Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Just my thought for today
      #273504 - 08/20/13 02:39 PM

I sat in a doctors office this morning. After 4 days with this cold I figured I should have it checked out. I wasn't able to see my normal dr so I was stuck going someplace else. Something that I would never do if I wasn't feeling as crappy as I do.

The wait was longer than I had hoped and I just wanted the poking and prodding to get done and over with. I always feel so awkward and scared to go especially to someone I haven't seen before and knows I'm just a little odd.

So after my 4th panic attack (never fun when you are under the weather) The first one was with the secretary filling out the forms, the second was when I sitting in the exam room and the nurse charged in and took my vitals like I was a stock car stopping off for a quick tire change in a pit. My third was during the X-rays (I've had several this year) and the final one when the dr started his poking.

I am always afraid of saying something when I feel that way, it comes out so odd to everyone else verbally. It always seems to insult them when I ask what it is they are doing or thinking. I just start throwing out every fact I can think of. It's kind of funny if you know what I'm doing and why, but everyone takes it as an insult to their intelligence.

Anyway I got off course a little. Another thing I am learning to accept but that's another story. To handle my panic attacks I usually find something to focus on. Usually I focus on an instrument in the office and how I could make it better. Sounds totally nerdy and geeky but I really love doing it.

Today though the nurse actually said something that I got focused on. "So it says here you're infected with HIV?" The question wasn't odd it was the wording. Infected. I'm quite literal, but knowing that she didn't know that I made the adjustments to her sentence and grasped the idea that she was really asking because it made her nervous.

I smiled and responded "yes, but all the numbers are good and my regular Doc thinks I'm doing so well that he only wants to see me once every six months." I'm not sure if she found that comforting or not but she sighed so I'm guessing whatever she needed was met.

It did however give me a thought. I remembered all the times people on here freak out over the wording. I've gotten so use to being literal that I know I should think really hard about other interiptations of a word. Especially in a situation like that. After all I'm sick and I really didn't want the people trying to help me to get frustrated with me.

But I did think about why she used the word infected why we use it here. Infected to me is a festering wound oozing and smelly. That's the idea that comes to mind first. Then the next thought for that word is to infect which is like someone in the act of doing. Like I infected him with laughter.

My thoughts on the word made me rethink my response. I could say that I "have" HIV, but that has been done before to not so great reactions. I concluded that my response was about as appropriate as it gets at least for now. I thought putting her at ease was better.

But I really wanted to correct her, it was a poor choice in wording, (this is what lead to the panic attack for the X-ray.) it's the only one I can clearly zero in on the cause. I started "fighting" with myself, because what she said was ugly, but not horrible. Wasn't like she came in and asked if I was pond scum.

So now I'm home and thinking about this surrounded by mountains of tissue amongst a plain of sheets. I realize now with a tickle of self gratification that I am wiser and smarter than she was. Doesn't mean I am better just further along with acceptance than she is. Shes still afraid of everything having to do with hiv. That's the wise part the smart part was I knew the definition of the word and knew that she probably didn't. My infected part with HIV happened about 3 years ago not today. I was infected. Now I just have. Like this crappy head cold.

Just something to think about I guess, now hopefully I can get some rest, I had a "traumatic" experience at the Drs. with a mean nurse.



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lilfshrmn
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Reged: 03/07/13
Posts: 50
Loc: SE US
Re: Just my thought for today new
      #273513 - 08/20/13 09:46 PM

I'm not so sensitive about what others call my health condition. I plainly state I have HIV infection. That's what it is. Face it we are infected. I could call it another name or get my feelings hurt when confronted with this truth. Acceptance seems to work better for me.

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notinterested
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Reged: 09/07/11
Posts: 127
Re: Just my thought for today new
      #273515 - 08/20/13 11:40 PM

It's interesting. I think we all have our own take on it. I actually don't disclose unless it's absolutely necessary. I've been in search of a good Primary Care Doctor and until I find the one that I want and I like and want to keep I will tell them. I'm not ashamed of it, I just don't want to get an attitude from an ignorant nurse or be treated any differently. If I think it's necessary I will tell them but if I'm going to see a doctor because I hurt my foot, they don't need to know I have HIV.

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kicker
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Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: Just my thought for today new
      #273518 - 08/21/13 11:48 AM

Well you both found ways that you cope. And that is great! Mine happen to be through acknowledging how I felt and choosing to laugh it off rather than demonize the other person. I apologize I forget my humor is overly dry at times.


Just a side note I have aspergers so I would've had the panic attacks no matter what. She could've walked up to me in a park and sat down at the same bench and said nothing I would've had the same panic reaction.

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iam1
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Reged: 06/17/09
Posts: 173
Loc: Georgia
Re: Just my thought for today new
      #273520 - 08/21/13 01:50 PM

I'm sorry you had the panic attacks. I've come to accept openly other people's telling me how they feel and trying to sympathize with them. But, still I laughed. Not at you, but at what I see as your focal point for the attack. (Having aspergers gives it an entirely different light.) I often tell people that if they fall I WILL laugh, but at the same time I'm going to be reaching over to help them up.

What I've been trying to tell people for many years is that HIV is nothing more than an infection. It's rarely referred to that way. A pandemic. A plague. A curse from on high. People seem to want to call it anything other than what it actually is - HIV is a virus. The virus gets into the body. HIV has infected the body.

I go to my local wound clinic. Been going for years for a recurring issue. Long story short what I have isn't a "wound" in my eyes. It's barely more than a small sore. But, if I don't go it'll get much worse rapidly. So, twice a week I go and see the wonderful nurses and doctors there.

One thing I made sure of when I filled out the paperwork when I first started going was to let them know I AM HIV+. It's important to let them know what medications I'm taking, so there aren't problems with anything they may need to prescribe (and I have been on some rather nasty meds not for the HIV).

You know what your problem is with waiting? (I am a professional waiter (not the table server type). You have an active mind and need stimulation. Whenever you have to go someplace there's the slightest possibility that you'll have to wait take something to occupy your time - a book to read, a puzzle book (there are literally thousands on the market of all types), a yo-yo, your smart phone with a game downloaded, stationary to write to all those people who have been waiting for that thank-you note for the present you got for your 10th birthday, knitting.

I'm sorry for the head cold, too. I usually get a cold every June. Thus far this Summer nothing. NOT complaining! But, you will get over it and continue to live. It won't be pleasant going through it, but that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. HIV hasn't killed me in 25 years. I think I'm about the strongest person on this planet!!!

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riverprincessModerator
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Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1812
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Just my thought for today new
      #273521 - 08/21/13 04:02 PM

Hey Kicker, I think you handled that nurse terriffically . ( is there such a word? ) Ok let's say you made some great progress with dealing with such people. Once you realize that it's their achwardness ( yea I know spelt wrong ) you understood the proper and better approach to it all. I worked in an office where they told me that the patient had buggies., I was abit taken back by that but then realized that they were trying to be lighthearted with a not so light situation. I think I also heard the word cooties used too. If they only knew my status when they said that, they'd probably choke on their tongue. Like many " things" in life, I have learned to let it all just roll off my shoulders. How one reacts, words it , isn't necessarily my problem and I choose not to let it become one. Sooo my hat off to you Kicker , You did Marvelous !!!!!! And you did help that nurse whether you realize it or not.

--------------------
Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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