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Newbie

Reged: 07/10/12
Posts: 1
Living nightmare
      #264481 - 07/10/12 08:24 AM

I've been diagnosed in January of this year, I am doing everything I am supposed to do, have a great team of doctors and nurses, a great support system but that doesn't help me feel any less lonely. I really don't know how to cope at this point, I feel like I am exhausting to others so I don't really talk to anyone else. I'm at crossroad I feel like my head is an internal war that I can not win. I'd like to give up completely but I am to much of coward. I want my life, but at the same time I don't even feel worthy of living. Everyday when I take my meds is like a slap in the face or a kick in the balls is more like it. I am in shambles. I just maybe would like someone to shed some light, maybe someone has been where I am at, maybe not. Thanks.

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riverprincessModerator
Moderator

Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1788
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Living nightmare new
      #264483 - 07/10/12 09:16 AM

It's not always easy for everyone to accept and see being pos as just a chronic condition. Your anger and fustration is all apart of it. That is why support groups and even some sort of counseling is a excellent tool to have and utilize. We all have experienced the same thoughts over the medications. Yeah it sucks. But when I think of my friend that has to do chemotherapy for the rest of his life, or my sister constantly battlling what started as just breast cancer , Or my other friend , a parapalegic stuck in a wheel chair, or my parkinson neighbor that has to walk on her hands and knees cause she can no longer stand, when I am reminded of all these people I no longer see taking a few pills every day as a big deal. And you need to see what those that can't take the meds cause their body won't accept it. So my friend you see, in time you will see it all differently. Go find a support group , talk to others and continue with your life.

--------------------
Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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Pos_in_Thailand
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/11
Posts: 464
Loc: Thailand
Re: Living nightmare new
      #264492 - 07/10/12 10:31 AM

Hey there!

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough time right now. It's ok, it happens to everyone - adjusting and accepting is not easy, but you have to pick yourself up and move forward - no one else can do it but you!

When I was first diagnosed a year-and-a-half ago, I was devastated, like everyone else here was when they first found out. I was terrified! I'm a single dad - if something happens to me, my kids are screwed! It took weeks for me to get my head put back on my shoulders and months after that before I started feeling good and like myself again. To be honest, I am not that old self again, and I never can or will be - I am a new, improved, stronger, and much better self! The one good thing about this experience is that it caused me to change even more, for the better, and helped me focus on who I really am and want to be. That is the secret to beating this bug and not letting it win (that and sticking to your HAART regimen!!)!

You say you feel slapped or defeated when you take your meds - that is not the reality of the case; you must cast that illusion aside. When you take your meds you are a winner! You are taking responsibility for your life and taking control so that you may have a long and healthy future ahead of you. You being positive is nothing personal against you, it just means that you are HUMAN - nothing more! You have to shake the shadows and muck off and see yourself for who you really are. You are strong enough to have the courage to face this and get treatment. Now, take the next step; summon the strength to hold your head high and to move forward - it's there, I promise!

Start doing the things you enjoyed before and reconnect with yourself. Look around and discover things that you want to do before, but haven't had the courage before to do, and start planning and doing them now. Focus on all the great things in your life and how lucky you are to have access to the technology that has given you a second chance. Start exercising and eating right - that REALLY helps one's outlook!

PM me if you want to talk further. I'll keep an eye out for your posts. The important thing is that you start living again and pick yourself up. You are doing great and will continue to, you just have to see it. It's there, I promise!

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Pos_in_Thailand
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/11
Posts: 464
Loc: Thailand
Re: Living nightmare new
      #264494 - 07/10/12 10:59 AM

Very, very good advice. Connecting with others is an excellent way to cope with this and move forward.

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alive2
Guardian

Reged: 03/08/07
Posts: 342
Re: Living nightmare new
      #264529 - 07/11/12 09:30 AM

well, if you want good ideas you came to the right place. you may just be feeling lonely because you feel like theres no where to turn but, there is, and your here. you say you want to give up, you didnt your looking to losen the grip you feel on your emotions and the first thing i think you need to do is just let go of the feeling of dred. watch a funny comedy laughter is good and you can laugh even if your down in the dumps.
i have been where your at, its been some time since i was but i still remember it like yesterday. it takes a little work but you can do it. be strong dont let hiv beat you, you beat hiv.
i write a blog on this site, im not trying to self promote but, if you read it you can see how my evoloution has been since i came here long ago. look for alive2 and read them. it will provide a look at how i came from being diagnosed to doing things that helped me gain control in my life.
you say you have a good support system, do you feel its a strain on others and thats why you dont talk to them? im here to help you through your trying time if need be. remember life is worth living, and keep on going . there are dark days sometimes, but they to will pass. im not trying to judge you so if you feel the need to talk to someone im here just drop me a private message and i will respond in same method, or just keep on asking questions on the boards. it helps to let it out, holding back your thoughts and emotions dont do good. good luck, take care. there is no substitution for a doctor either

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hope2012
Regular

Reged: 06/09/12
Posts: 35
Re: Living nightmare new
      #264538 - 07/11/12 04:31 PM

Remember that everyone only has ONE life, I wish your best.

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GirBot
Member

Reged: 11/23/09
Posts: 22
Loc: Western United States
Re: Living nightmare new
      #264555 - 07/12/12 01:46 PM

I'd be very surprised if not every single one of us here felt the same way you do at one time or another. It took me months or years to get a proper perspective on things. That's not easy given the continued stigma of HIV/AIDS.

Medications, doctor visits, insurance... all that is a HUGE pain I'd rather not deal with... but even worse is feeling limited socially out of fear of rejection. So yeah, I would give this all up and go back to being negative IN A HEART BEAT! That said, I have noticed some very POSITIVE changes in my life too. Shock has a way of shaking us out of our rut and giving new opportunity.

I am now healthier than I have ever been in my adult life. I have stronger and more meaningful relationships with my family and friends. I have met an loved some amazing people. I owe this all to the life shattering effects of coming to terms with this disease. It's made me value my time here more and made it easier for me to identify those things that are truly important to me and that make me feel fulfilled and happy.

Time is the great healer. There will come a time when those medications won't mean defeat and despair but triumph over adversity and an affirmation of will and worthiness not just to survive but LIVE, LOVE, AND ENJOY!

And lets be completely honest, if we follow our doctor's orders and take proper care of ourselves, we don't die from this. We live out our ordinary lives. Feel bad for those poor schmoes with diabetes, cancer, etc. They have it so much worse off than us

Find a local support group. Meet and socialize with those who are living with it too. You'll find that level of normalcy you seem to be missing.

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DJones
All Star

Reged: 04/02/09
Posts: 84
Loc: Milwaukee Wisconsin
Re: Living nightmare new
      #264561 - 07/12/12 05:41 PM

What your feeling seems very real and everyone goes through this. I was diagnosed three years ago and started a blog the day I found out. You can go back to that date and forward and see how life has been for me. The ups and down and all the feelings are all in my blog. Email me and we can talk. You are not alone in this. Sometimes I feel the same way you feel. Living with HIV is not easy, but it can be done with support. The link to my blog is below this post. Good luck and write me if you want to talk.

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http://daveslifelivingwithhiv.blogspot.com/

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denise03
Member

Reged: 03/09/12
Posts: 22
Loc: Texas
Re: Living nightmare new
      #264567 - 07/13/12 01:52 AM

I believe that's a stage we all face as we travel this journey. I was devasted and alone as well. I still have those moments after 7years later because there are not many people to really understand what I go through. It's like I live a double life. The driving force that keeps me going is my spiritually. You will be okay in time. Just believe it. You will have your good and bad days. It's a struggle yes, no doubt but I believe we both will be okay! Be blessed!


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