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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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Reged: 02/02/14
Posts: 1
Making Love and Rejection
      #275216 - 02/02/14 07:37 PM

So here is my story. Words I have never expressed before to anyone and a feeling I have struggled with for years. Since I was 19 years of age, I have had the desire to have emotionless, anonymous sex with strangers in addition to and in lieu of being with my boyfriends over the years. I understand that this has to do with feeling wanted and desired by others but the biggest problem is that rarely in my life have I ever felt like I was making actual love to a partner. Perhaps it is just a matter of sexual chemistry. I have been married to my husband for 9 years now. I love him very much but we do not have sex. I cannot seem to get out of the pattern of seeking the thrill of being with someone new and once I have that person I don't feel the need to be with them again unless the sex is really good. I feel that my behaviour has really prevented me from feeling like I can make love. Here is the interesting part. When we were on vacation a few years ago, we met this guy and I was very drawn to him. When we had sex I felt connected to him in a way I should feel with my husband. I felt like the connection was so intense that he was making love to me. After we kept in touch when I came back to Canada but after awhile I realized that although our time together was short I feel hard and it was not fair to my partner. I cut the relationship off. Shortly after doing that I found out I was HIV positive. I have pulled away emotionally even more from my husband and we continue in the unhealthy circle of sleeping with other people and not appreciating each other or connecting sexually. Am I alone in my feeling of never feeling like I can make love? I am welcome to solutions. My husband is also HIV positive so that is a non-issue. He also did not infect me so it's not a matter of resentment. Please help with your advice.

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Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1895
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Making Love and Rejection new
      #275239 - 02/03/14 08:16 PM

As you already realize , this all sounds like a need for a marriage counselor and whoever that counselor may also suggest. Your issue isn't Hiv related even though it sounds like your aren't concerned so much about infecting others with your " relationships". So if you truly are looking for help , you should try the right place for that. Otherwise your really not looking for answers but want to appear that your are.

Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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Reged: 05/15/13
Posts: 488
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Re: Making Love and Rejection new
      #275316 - 02/08/14 03:54 PM

I read this post and it made me think again of my past experiences struggling with identity and acceptance and just over-all realising what is important. The key of course is first accepting and loving yourself, from the inside out! If you don't achieve that, then it becomes just a vicious circle of what our poster is saying. It's nice to see someone else from Canada on here, welcome Canadaboi23!

Unfortunately in the gay community (and probably heterosexual world too) that emotionless, annonymous sex life is a normal. You can now find sex on many websites, classified ad site and dating sites. That raw animal urge in all of us to satisfy our bodies cries for physical satisfaction. It is one of the brushes that was used to paint HIV as a gay mans disease back in the day, because men will just go have sex with any other man ... straight, married, gay doesn't really matter!

Our poster here is, I feel, looking for someone to condone his actions more than anything. To throw the word "husband" around when both people are still engaging in casual sexual encounters ... I can't see the foundation of a monogamous committed relationship, although there are many "open" relationships in the world, a very grey area!

I believe Canadaboi23, you need to make the commitment to you ... you need to want love and be loved, you have been "programed" from something in your past that has made it necessary to find physical intimacy and acceptance where ever you could and with who ever will offer it. If your "husband" is involved in the same antics, he's in the same boat! Throwing HIV into this situation your facing is not relevant to this behaviour except in the fact that if your out there having unprotected and undisclosed sex with "annonymous" people, your really more the problem than the solution to the transmission of HIV.

As people with HIV, gay or straight, male or female, we have a responsibility to give our intimate companions the informed option to protect themselves!

If you and your "husband" are an actual married committed couple, you do need marriage counselling or at least to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. To break this cycle of annonymous sexual encounters and find the love in each other, this website and forum along with any others you may frequent will not help. It will have to start with the both you communicating! Also keep in mind there is a thing called "sex addiction", maybe that is something else you may have to seek out a counsellor for.

The only thing though that HIV in your post represents on this website is that you might need to learn how to care for it and care for others, that you and your "husband" are not out there spreading the "love" more than you think!

anotherday ... in paradise!
daily ponder ... be the reason someone smiles today!

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