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usctrojan
Newbie

Reged: 05/17/13
Posts: 5
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Dumped because I am Pos
      #272087 - 05/17/13 02:53 AM

Hey guys... I was recently dumped by my boyfriend because I told him I was positive. He told me that he cared a lot for me but could never be intimate with me because of my status. I feel alone, sad, and undesirable. I was hoping he could look past my status and see me for who I am. Just wondering if anyone could provide some advice/support if you have been through a similar situation. Thanks.

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bartlebyAdministrator
Admin

Reged: 01/19/10
Posts: 660
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #272095 - 05/17/13 02:20 PM

sorry to hear about that. unfortunately, not everybody can accept HIV as just a virus and that is not who person is. personally, i think it's cowardly that he can't see past your status, but i appreciate that he was honest and forthcoming with you. that being said, it's still his loss! don't let it get to you too much. there are still plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. fish who will find you desirable regardless of HIV. the important thing is that you have enough courage to put it out there and move on, so good for you!

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usctrojan
Newbie

Reged: 05/17/13
Posts: 5
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #272098 - 05/18/13 03:04 AM

thanks for your kind words...

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thebird1959
Regular

Reged: 06/22/12
Posts: 49
Loc: Alabama
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #272102 - 05/18/13 09:19 PM

Hey, I wish that I could say something that would make you feel better, but I can't. I've gone through what you're going through right now, and I know exactly how you feel. My partner did the exact same thing to me almost a year ago. The closeness or intimacy is gone in your relationship. I hung on, and thought things would change once I became undectable, but they didn't. Like bartleby said "unfortunately, not everybody can accept HIV as just a virus and that is not who a person is". The best thing to do is just move on and forget about it. You don't need to be dealing with that emotional burden right now.

Looking back, I wish that I'd used the same advice that I'm giving you right now, and moved on with my life quicker. The most important thing you can do right is to take care of yourself, both emotionally and health wise. PM me sometime if you need someony to talk to.

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leathercublon
Newbie

Reged: 05/28/12
Posts: 7
Loc: London UK
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #272236 - 05/29/13 06:00 PM

Unfortunately it's impossible to gauge a reaction to disclosure but it is just that, their reaction to the news not you. You're the same loveable person you always have been but some people are scared of HIV due to lack of info / ignorance.

You can't help other peoples reactions, what you can do is manage how and when you tell them so as to minimise the relevance of their reaction.

I've had people tell me they could have sex with me but could never get intimate. To me that was the most stupid thing as it was the risk without the reward. Now I put it on my online profiles and that's the most common way I meet people it just acts as a pre filter for me and a protection method

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Ryan81
Newbie

Reged: 05/29/13
Posts: 1
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #272237 - 05/29/13 07:47 PM

Hi
First of am sorry to read that you had this happen to you
Second just maybe he not the man for you there someone stronger out there for you who support u and hold your hand and tell u it does not matter chin up mate life will and does get better
That which does not kill us makes us stronger xx

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Ferguson1959
Newbie

Reged: 05/10/12
Posts: 1
Loc: Palm Springs, California
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #272238 - 05/29/13 07:55 PM

Hi Fellow Trojan!

Personally, as an HIV positive man, I only date HIV positive men. As a result, I have a HIV positive husband. I go through things that only someone in the same situation can understand. I have good days and bad days relating to HIV/AIDS. My husband does, too.

An HIV negative man could not possibly understand my bad HIV days, or HIV daze. All my medications, my side effects, my fear, etc. It scares HIV negative guys. I need someone who totally understands what I'm going through.

So what I did was go to HIV support groups, HIV dating groups, HIV activity groups. I put myself out there in the HIV community to meet my partner. For me, my guy was not in the HIV negative community. He was in the HIV positive community.

I have found love and support in my marriage. Good luck to you! And let us know if things change. I hope they do! And go Trojans!

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Daddy_Bearby
Member

Reged: 07/29/09
Posts: 27
Loc: Alabama
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #272262 - 05/30/13 09:21 PM

Good for you man cub I do much the same with my profiles and also did it on Facebook so there would be no misconception when I was sent a friend request on that site .
I even went as far as to admit my poz status enmasse to my leather brothers and sisters during a run in 2003 and felt the freedom of not having to hide the facts that I was POZ now where as this is now 2013 ten years later Ibet most have forgotten me having made such a bold move as to admit my poz status the little decoration my husband got me on our 17th anniversary ( a military style dog tag with simply the words HIV POZ engraved in it ) hangs around my neck as a constant reminder to inform any and or all possible sexual connections of my health status .

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Daddy_Bearby
Member

Reged: 07/29/09
Posts: 27
Loc: Alabama
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #272263 - 05/30/13 09:32 PM

I guess I am one of the fortunate few since my husband ( ok should be husband now that we have made it to our 28th year as a couple) stood at my bedside when the doctor that was treating me for pcp walked in announced that I had aids (altho according to the release report from the hospital he said I was poz not the word's he used). My husband stood fast even tho at the time we had been a couple just a few months at the time yet he's still here stead fast at my side which I have encountered much the same thought's from potental future next ex's ( my husband is about to turn 68 and the vultures are already flocking it seems ) and when I inform them I am poz I laugh at the look of surprise on their faces and then usualy hear " why your so healthy and look so good how could you be posative " so I simply say well I am and yes I have papers to prove it "and walk away leaving them astonished .
Therefore in most case's it's their own ignorance of how HIV works and it's inner working ( s ) within the human body other wise they would not act as if they were surprised to having been taught the lesson that every one can be healthy, look great and still be poz too

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mathguy
Newbie

Reged: 06/01/13
Posts: 3
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #272368 - 06/04/13 05:13 PM

Hey!!

Right -- this totally sucks; as some background, I'm a negative guy. But you might start to feel better with the following.

Ends of relationships hurt a lot. No matter the reason, they're usually gonna hurt. Have you tried to disentangle your feelings about the relationship's end with the apparent reason he gave you that it ended? As a lot of positive guys write on this site, HIV is just a virus; it doesn't define you –– your goodness or worth as a person is __NOT__ given by your status. Like it doesn't say anything about it. You're worthwhile because of your values, your dynamism, etc.; negative guys aren't intrinsically virtuous because they're negative!!

Supposing that you've started to disentangle your feelings about the relationship's end – and I concede the following is difficult – but is Mr. Perfect actually the perfect guy if he can't "get past" your status? I mean, seriously, there's so much fvcking literature out there, showing that the risks of transmission among serodiscordant couples who practice safe sex (condoms for anal) is insanely low, and still remains low for couples for whom the positive guy bottoms and don't use condoms. Moreover, really important to note is that we take all sorts of other risks all the time –– lots of gay guys hook up on Grindr with guys whose statuses are unknown, some drive home tipsy really late at night, some ski down dangerous slopes or bike in heavy traffic. All of this has risk. Recognize he (and you!!) must, perhaps, is that if we demand consistency in intention over all our actions, then anyone who takes other risks, even "normal" risks by most standards, then a serodiscordant relationship is hardly noteworthy.

I say that you deserve a guy who can recognize this –– your awesomeness is not diminished by HIV (it's totally irrelevant). Again, this situation sucks -– dating between negative and positive guys is difficult (I know by experience) –– but you'll get over it with time, and find a guy who can "see past" your status.

Edited by mathguy (06/04/13 05:13 PM)

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hivgays
Newbie

Reged: 06/18/13
Posts: 7
Re: Dumped because I am Pos *DELETED* new
      #272607 - 06/18/13 11:09 PM

Post deleted by kicker

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iam1
Fanatic

Reged: 06/17/09
Posts: 165
Loc: Georgia
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #274309 - 10/31/13 05:44 PM

You know how you read something and it sticks with you. You don't consciously think about it, but it churns away in the deep recesses of your mind. That's what you statement has done with me.

Over the past few months I've kept coming back to this post and re-reading it. I knew there was something here that was simple, but I kept trying to read more into it and couldn't figure out what it was that I wanted to say.

Then today it clicked like the proverbial light going off over my head - your EX-boyfriend is a dick. And, I DON'T mean that with any kindness!

So, you tested HIV+. To that I have to say - WELCOME TO THE CLUB! WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING (BUT NOT WANTING) NEW MEMBERS. You're only one of many thousands of people in the world who will find out this year.

NEWS FLASH! This just in --- your "boyfriend" was looking for an excuse to dump you. I wasn't there, so I can't speak to whether it was his fault or yours that the relationship went sour. But, with the knowledge out there about HIV and the numbers of sero-discordant couples there was little to no excuse for him to have dumped you.

The only excuse I can honestly think of other than his being a big horse behind is that perhaps he's the source of your HIV infection.

I don't know if you had an open relationship or if you were monogamous, but either way if he knew he was positive and not wanting to deal with it in real life he may have dumped you to hide the fact.

Don't hate him. Feel sorry for him. Feel for him and those who can't feel for others. Then forget he ever existed.

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riverprincessModerator
Moderator

Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1742
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Dumped because I am Pos new
      #274313 - 11/01/13 06:53 PM

Listen Sweetie , Any relationship that can not withstand the storms in life is not worth being with. Though your heart may be hurt and bruised right now , don't think any less of yourself. Your ex is the lesser person not you. Focus on your own well being and you'll find the right person at the right time in your life. And you'll look back and see where your ex did you a favor by not sticking around. It's his loss not yours.

--------------------
Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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